I Live In a Sexless Marriage

I have been married for 31 years. About 2 years after we were married my wife got sick and her condition has just gone down hill since to the point where she is now also mentally ill. I have no family other than an 87 year old mother that I also support and is to old to help out. My wife's family doesn't want anything to do with her or the problems we face on a daily basis. There position is that it's my problem. Nice to have a child or sister and wash you hands of them.

My day consists of going to work in the morning until about 5:30, then going to several drugstores to pick up what she needs, getting home around 7:30 and making dinner and whatever food she may need for the next day. Eating dinner and listening to her have a tantrum for about and hour to hour & half and pretending that it doesn't affect me, cleaning the house and going to bed to do the whole thing all over again the next day.

I have never had a vacation or for that matter a day off since she got sick. Doctors come out to the house to see her and they don't have any answers or suggestions but just medicate. I go nowhere and do nothing other than take care of 2 people that need me.

I have not held or made love to a women in 29 years. I am lonely and upset and wonder why I am still here. What am I hanging around for? This world won't miss me.  Don't get me wrong, these are only thoughts and I have no intention or desire to end my life, but I do wonder how one persons life can be so hard.

I don't exactly know why I am writing this; I know there is no answer that I can think of other than leaving, but I can't abandon anyone that much in need.

Suggestions, comments anything would be welcome. I could sure use a friend.

bobo97a bobo97a
56-60, M
6 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Heed the advice of the people who have posted prior to me---you need to get some "you" time--you are an amazing patient man--god bless you!

Dear bobo.<br />
My situation is similar to yours in a lot of ways (Story is "Recognise Reality"). My "Financial Partner" is bi-polar and progressively, the behaviours exhibited duringthe 'down' periods have cumulatively been sufficient to kill off any desire I had for sex during the 'up' periods (which are pretty rare these days anyway). <br />
My 'solution' has been to recognise the reality of the situation, and redefine my role in it. (I wont bother to rehash that strategy here.)<br />
I have found a level of serenity in so doing that I would not have thought possible 5 years ago, when I defined my role as "Angry Resentful Unhappy Husband".<br />
Other respondees here have offered some sound practical advice about respite care and the like. Well worth considering.<br />
My take on the situation is to truly examine the situation as it really is (not how you'd like it to be) and see if you can think a bit differently about your role in the dynamic. In a sexless marriage there is no "husband" or "wife" role. There is something else instead. In your case it might be "Carer" and "Invalid" and if you embrace the reality, maybe you, as "Carer" can bring about a change of thinking, actions to make that role as "Carer" quite fulfilling, involving some sort of sex life outside of the "Carer" / "Invalid" dynamic.

Bobo, thank you for sharing your story. I hope you'll take some of the advice here...you should at least get respite care. It's ok to live your life, your wife's illness shouldn't claim two victims.<br />
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In the meantime, I'd give you a huge hug if I could. <br />
<br />

You have my sympathies... you need relief. It's a shame that mental health care has degraded to the point that it has in this country. You really need to have help.. you need to get a break. One person's mental health sickness should be faced alone.

This is a truly dire and dreadful situation in which you are placed. You sound like a saint - but it is only fair that you enjoy some quality of life too.<br />
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Here in Australia there are numerous services that can assist with care and respite for both the elderly and the mentally ill. Even if both women continue to live at home with you there is no reason why you should not access services from support agencies to assist you - this would give you some free time and also allow you to know both women were adequately cared for.<br />
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It is not possible to give realistic help without knowing more about your situation, but I urge you - for your own sake - please get some very well deserved help.<br />
<br />
You will find lots of support here on EP - keep posting and reading the posts of others. You will find wonderful online friends as we all have.<br />
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My heart goes out to you.

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