A Letter to My Husband


I discovered EP recently, and have gained insight from people who posted their stories, and from those who comment.


I was 19 and my husband was 20 when we married. We've lasted 40 years.  Separated twice in the first 3 years. During the second separation I became pregnant with my second child by a man 16 yrs older than me.   I ran back to the security of my marriage and to the father of my first child. My second child was difficult to raise, having physical and mental disabilities. I didn't want contact with his biological father since I never stopped loving him, and wanted my marriage to work.  When my son was 17 he was told and he decided not to contact his biological father.  My husband and son never got along.


My husband has an ED problem for about 8 years now, and is seeing a Dr.  He recently began talking about a ********* with another woman.  We are straight oriented male and female and this doesn't interest me.   BUT ... To boost his ego and turn on his sexual prowess,  I would "mentally" encourage it .. not wanting the experience, but the fantasy.  I have just  become sexually honest with him .. ordered a vibrator, sexy things from VS and asking for what I wanted in sex. I though he was enjoying himself too but he told me today that he has no desire or emotion for sex, but still loves me and just trying to relieve me.  What a sport.


Last Friday night, we were on the couch watching TV. I started touching his nipples and then ran my fingers across his crotch and he kept moving  my hand to the armrest of the couch but I wanted to touch him.  He saw an ad on TV for Valentine's Day Chocolate, and asked me if I wanted any and I said yes ... "he could drizzle it on my **** and lick it off." He pushed me away and screamed in my face how disgusting and vulgar I was for such filth to come out of my ***** mouth...   not the way I envisioned my beloved talking to me .... so I wrote the following letter to him and went to a friend's house overnight. 




I am afraid of what I might do next and have to get away from your silence.   I doubt if I can trust you to be honest with me again.  I had no idea you thought I was having lesbian tendencies

That is the biggest surprise out of all of this..... that I would want to be with a woman .. I thought that was what you wanted to see and I would do that to turn you on more –to make you feel as sensual as you can .... be.

We never talk about sex, during sex .. only briefly. Your reaction to me when I said chocolate drizzled all over my **** and you can lick it off .... was heartbreaking and cruel. Why would you want me to feel like I just committed a mortal sin by talking dirty to you.   I thought I was feeling comfortable enough to trust you with my sexuality, and now you refer to me as having the mouth of a prostitute. THINK OF HOW THAT HURT ME

There is nothing wrong with me because I like to feel sensual.  I cannot stuff it down and pretend it's not there.   I don't want “to be a burden” because your needs are spaced further apart than mine. Age changes us from one stage to another and I find a wonderful joy and fulfillment when I release my sexual energy. You don't have the same drive, and the ED plays havoc so you're hard enough to get inside of me.

in a marriage of 40 years I expect you to enjoy me as much as I want to be enjoyed. But when it's not felt and just sex... it's empty.

I remember the first time I had this mindset is when I was naked with you in the bathroom and I was cutting your hair and you were getting all hot like you always do when you are around hair cutting, etc.  I just plunged right into the sensual mood that you were into and it was glorious... You were so sexy with me that I ate it all right up and it felt terrific .. liked I checked my mind at the door and threw my feelings to the wind.

I have been seeing my therapist to make myself healthier and at peace with myself. It's unfortunate you see the therapist as a problem maker. He is a problem solver. I am working to accept myself with all of my faults, aging, trials and tribulations. I just wanted to love you and be loved in return.

Conversation with me is part of our relationship. You shut down on me for long amounts of time ... you always have. It's just become so obvious to me as I've gotten older.  I always liked the free mind time you gave me .. I never felt choked

I need to talk to you. Silence is the worse thing you can do, ... it's always affected me negatively. I don't know what to think and I can't begin to understand anything or make the feelings better.

If you don't want to deal with this, then we will have to change the way we're living. If you agree, we will find out what our rights are if we decide to separate or divorce. We can't lose what we have here and that is worth fighting to save.

I thought you wanted somebody different than me and a *********  was an easy way for you to do that. We had a lot of ideas about this and whether it would ever come to pass or not, I saw that it turned you on ... and I was only trying to bring your sensuality to the surface before we lose it all to age.

If you would or could talk to me call me on the cellphone


He never called me that night and I came home the next. I have tried talking to him since, and he is contemplating seeing a marriage counselor to save the marriage. 

He announced that he doesn't feel like having sex and that is what I am experiencing right now.

 I hope this wasn't hard to follow.  So much to say and trying to make it succinct.  Thanks for taking the time to read this long story of mine over.


reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
10 Responses Feb 10, 2009

I read your story and so much of your situation is similar in multiple ways to mine. I've been married for 34 years and my wife, my broken cup, has severe mental problems. My sexless marriage has almost driven me batty too.<br />
<br />
I'm glad you commented on my blog.

I am digesting everyone's reactions to my story here. <br />
You have all made me think, laugh, consider, and feel closer.. <br />
I am a baby boomer who has overcome her sin of loving to be touched and touching another human in a way that tingles nerve endings. <br />
I thought that chocolate drizzled over my you know what now, would be a pleasant experience for both of us. My husband smashed the experience by telling me I repulsed him.. He later said that if I had talked that way when we were hot and heavily involved in sex it would have been acceptable, but to say it right out in the middle of the living room was gross. 40 years and we have a room to do our sex in ... boxed into a corner of his life, mentally and physically. No wonder I am strangely inhibited ... or was ... but now I'm learning how to express myself .. better late than never.<br />
Thanks for the confidence ~~ it is a good idea for Valentine's Day or any day!<br />
Blessings Tonight to Everyone

I'll never look at chocolate drizzle the same way again. Good ideas are wasted on the wrong people.

What a waste. I wish that at any time in my marraige my wife would have suggested and initiated sex. It never happened and more is the pity.<br />
I can understnd your frustration since it is the same as mine. Only wish you were close and asked me.

Reflections: I could relate to the way he made you feel when you suggested a chocolate drizzle. My husband had a knack for making me feel like a pc of crap whenever I said something sexual to him. Oh well, I suppose it's their hang-up, but it is how we perceive the comments thrown at us that affect us.<br />
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I am sorry that you are in pain. In my own situation, my marriage sucked from the beginning. It wasn't like we at one time had a great relationship that changed over time. I don't know what's worse. The only advice I have for you, is start learning the art of self-love again. Put all of your energies back into you and take them away from the relationship. It's up to him to seek help, and make his own way. Find your own peace.<br />
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Love and hugs

You only threw a hamper? Wasn't there more stuff handy? *hugs* I'd have thrown everything in the room I could have reached...lord knows I have before. After 40 years you'd think the least he could do is open his mouth and talk.

<br />
<br />
be gentle with yourself

{{{HUGS}}} for Reflections

Holly cow, together for forty years. <br />
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It must be unbearable to have been with some one for so long and then experience the enormous chasm your in.<br />
<br />
I have figured out that once I wrap my head around and embrace a vision for what I want my life to look like things will fall into place. Take time to vision what you really want. You may have to sort thru many emotions and feelings to get there, but keep at it daily until the fog dissipates and you start to see what is right for you.<br />
<br />
This forum will help you get there.

I won't diminish the problems you're having with your husband but I see one big mistake you've made according to your post. Your letter hints at an apology for throwing a hamper at him. I am inclined to believe the hamper struck him but that is irrelevant. The mistake you made is adding "but" to the heading. Never make an apology or express regret and follow it with "but. That one word immediatelys signals any regret or apology is insincere. It comes off as just rationalizing and/or justfiying your action(s) and as a result makes you appear phony about the apology/regret. I find it best to apologize and only apologize. Discuss the why's and wherefore's at another time.