Looking For Advice On What to Do

I am about to turn 40 in a couple months and have been in a almost sexless relationship for 4 years. I can not  leave now for a variety of reasons but seriouly feel like I am having a nervous breakdown and have to do something because the stress from living in a commited relationship like this is becoming too much for me to handle.

He comes to bed an hour or two after he thinks I fell asleep at night, never kisses me or touches me AT ALL unless it is a VERY rare occasion about 10 times a year he decides to give me sex. A couple of those times are amazing and the rest are HORRIBLE leaving me more upset than ever. He lasts maybe two minutes and says something about me being " too hot" for him to last and goes to sleep or back to his computer leaving me in shock. I just don't understand how he can be so selfish.

I have looked into dating sites and just can't bring myself to do anything becides the fact any guy on there I see that looks half decent my age or even older is looking for a woman 10-20 years younger. I don't even know what to do. I am becoming more and more depressed and have actually gained about 30 lbs over the past couple years. I have never had a weight problem in my life until now and I feel so ugly and gross. I am trying to get myself to a gym or work out somehow but I just don't have the energy. I try to talk to him about this and he just gets angry and tells me I am keeping him from getting work done, I need to get "mental" help ( I am the one with the problem) or just freaks out to shut me up.

I am curious if any other women on here have gone through these same feelings and if so, how do you get yourself out of it. I believe that this is his problem and my problem for not just getting out but I can't right now for a variety of reasons too numerous to list so I guess what I am asking is since I will be in this for a while does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it? Do you think finding somone on the side will help? I don't know if I can do it. I just don't know what to do. I just know I have to figure something out because I really am losing it. I feel horrible, gross, ugly, fat, old. This past week has been the worst. I am just having to accept that I will never have kids from this mistake. I am just too old now and it is too late. Has this affected anyone else on this board this bad?  If so, how do you deal with it ?

beth777 beth777
36-40, F
14 Responses Feb 11, 2009

Beth - it isn't about you. Don't take it personally - it's HIS problem.<br />
Try not to let it get to you.<br />
Take care of YOU. (I too let myself go and thought I was unattractive, undesirable, etc.)<br />
I can relate perfectly as my wife has gone down the same path as your husband. Rarer and rarer sex. Then terrible sex - me doing all the work and her saying, "Why don't you get behind me - you *** quicker that way."<br />
Boy, that's a mood killer.

mnemonica - love that id! Anyway, I bet if you do a search on the internet, you will find some suggestions. I think if he delving too deeply into the ****, he will have had to shell out some money - therefore, some statement should show it - anything that is not familiar to you, check it out - it might not be obvious. I wish you luck and I hope that you are wrong, for your sake!

Well done Beth! Good for you!<br />
I definitely agree that the rejected partner (if that is applicable in the situation) definitely needs to do something to raise our own self-esteem. IT IS NOT THE REJECTED PARTNER'S FAULT.<br />
Does anyone have more info on how to find out if your partner has a **** addiction? Mine deletes his browsing history, not that I would have ever thought to check up on him, but one day I discovered it by accident and that MADE me suspicious of what he might be hiding! He comes to bed late too, but he's playing World of Warcraft, gets caught up in it ... or am I just being an idiot?!<br />
I guess I should just ask him ... but I'm a coward ...

Sounds like you are on a healthy track - weight ain't the magic number - how you feel is what is important and refusing to get on the scale - good for you right now - you know your limits. This hubby of yours - he has nights he doesn't come to bed at ALL?? I don't know - just consulted my hubby - he agrees - there is probably a bigger problem like I talked about before - can you look on his computer? Can you do some investigating? If he is into what it sounds like he is into - you can't compete with that - you just can't - IF he is this involved with online ****, he has a problem that he most likely can not handle by himself - and you don't want him dragging you down too (which emotionally he is already doing, it sounds like). I hate to say it, but you may need to have a "comin' to Jesus meeting" with him. But I know you won't want to do this without knowing for sure (I wouldn't either). The family member I told you about - he was involved enough that he was hurting his family financially - and they had 2 children and had to ask another family member for money just to pay the monthly bills - his wife and his parents had to confront him and lay down the rules for giving them money - he has gotten help, like I said, but it is sometimes a daily struggle - I know that he is happier with himself and therefore happier with his family (and his WIFE). I am going to pray for YOU - pray for wisdom, patience, strength and peace! And you can talk anytime! I hope I am not overwhelming or offending you!

thiswreckage<br />
Thank you. I am going to start at 12 today with my first yoga class.<br />
<br />
I signed up for a month of yoga, and meditation and then joined a huge gym.<br />
Had I gone to the gym first I would have found that they have yoga there but this yoga school is different. It is a center with constant yoga, tai chi, meditation classes that you can go to. I figure I will drag myself to one a day for the month and slowly start at the gym. I get some free training sessions so will do those the first month.<br />
I am just tying to drag myself in the shower and get ready. As usual he did not come to bed last night and I actually woke up crying this morning in my empty bed. <br />
I guess I can either let this situation completely destroy me or try to drag myself together. Since getting into this relationship I have become isolated. Walking in to the gym around people was weird. I used to work out all the time and feel at home in a gym. It just felt weird. The trainer there wanted to weigh me and I refused. The last thing I need is one more thing I don't want to hear. I figure I will weigh myself when I feel a bit better about myself after losing some of this weight.

I would echo kungfuchic's advise to feel good about yourself and have a tip for the gym that really helped me get started going.<br />
<br />
It takes time for something to become a habit and going to the gym needs to be a habit. I don't remember exactly how long but think it was like 30 days. When you start give your self 30 minutes for activity and focus on doing thirty minutes of activity not on getting a real heavy work out. You don't want to push so hard that you wont come back the next day. The important thing is to make thirty minutes of exercise a habit and to make that 30 minutes your time for you.<br />
<br />
It can be 30 minutes on a treadmill, a bike, an elliptical or whatever. It can be 10 on three different machines or 30 on the treadmill one day and 30 on the bike the next. It just needs to be 30 minutes.<br />
<br />
Exercising will boost your energy and it will get easier. After a while going will be part of your routine and you will naturally push yourself harder.

Hell, just come and visit me lol.

Thank you guys so much for your suggestions. <br />
Aly, I love the quote <br />
"It's liking being pecked to death by a duck. It doesn't hurt so much at first, but after awhile it wears on you and is sore and can bruise pretty deeply."<br />
I almost wish one big event had happened like he cheated, did something to end the relationship for sure but instead, being in this relationship is slowly destroying me.<br />
<br />
I am on a rollercoaster reacting to his little bits of acceptance and constant rejection of me. The constant rejection of never touching me, not coming to bed until he knows I am asleep or not at all can be offset a tiny bit by his being nice and inviting me out to dinner or something I get my hopes up then we come home and he goes back to his computer , to sleep whatever just doesn't do anything with me. The first couple years were bad we would fight about it. I would try different things and I had energy but now I am down to a constant sad state of hopelessness. I go to bed sad and wake up sad with a sick feeling and no energy during the day to even try to pull myself out of this. <br />
<br />
I also love handsomedevil quote <br />
"DON'T MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY IF THEY ONLY HAVE YOU AS AN OPTION"<br />
I have made him my number one priority. I do all his laundry, shopping, buy him things, bring him dinner, try to give him massage, take care of whatever he needs. Maybe that is the problem now he has no respect for me now. He does not go out of his way for me at all. If I have a headache and ask him to rub my neck he makes me wait a while then sort of does a half *** job of it acting like he is doing me the biggest favor in the world. When I call him to see how he is doing or if he needs something while I am out shopping or something he acts like I am bothering him and every phone call ends with me feeling like hell.<br />
This is really sick. I used to be a very independent, happy person and am now isolated, miserable and 40 lbs overweight. <br />
<br />
bazzar<br />
I love your way of redefining the relationship as "Financial Partner" . That takes all the expectations off of the relationship. Instead of being rejected all the time you are not because you don't expect anything. I will do that with this relationship because technically that is all we are. We have a home business together that I do not want to lose. I would love to have it all but a great relationship and a great business relationship. I have a great business relationship with him but that is it and I do not believe we would be able to stay in business if I started dating other people he would freak ( I tried once before and he wanted me back which of course I went back and he did not want me again) I don't know if I could handle seeing him with another woman either. <br />
<br />
I am going to drag myself to join a gym and see what I need to do to finish my ph.d. I finished all the classes but never wrote my dissertation. I started this business with him and just quit that because our business became so successful. I have brought up finishing it and he is always really negative about it saying if I really wanted to do what I went to school for I would be doing it. <br />
Whatever the case is, I am going to take the step today to see where to start to finish it and get my fat *** to a gym. <br />
<br />
Thanks again for all your help!

I live in Nv. give me a shout, I'll put that kick back in your step. :)

Beth:<br />
Analytical had good advice and so did the others. First things, first. Your own health and well being. Start there. Feel good about yourslef again, whether its in a gym, back to school, whatever.<br />
<br />
Then approach him about salvaging the marriage. I also think it might be a p(*& prolem. Look into that. If he can't get out of his own way and seek help or look at himself, try separation.<br />
<br />
Best wishes.

Okay, most of you will probably not be too happy if I were your spouse - I am in an almost sexless marriage also, but I am the one not having sex - I was about to say, I am the cause of it - but I honestly don't think I am! I LOVE sex - I love touching and kissing and cuddling and sharing with one another - I can be adventureous and I definitely reciprocate during making love - I can be VERY passionate BUT when I have sex with my husband while feeling the way that I do about our marriage and knowing that he really doesn't LIKE me - it leaves me feeling worthless and empty and cheap - yeah, I am married and I can feel like a one-night stand with my husband - so this is totally off your concerns, so I will save this for another day!<br />
<br />
Anyway, I think you have gotten some good feedback (I actually wish my husband and I could just agree to be financial partners and co-parents and leave it at that - we would probably both be happier). I had only 1 concern while reading your story - the comment about the going back to the computer - is he on the computer a lot - does he stay up late "working" on the computer?? There may be a reason for his lack of interest, his time on the computer and his anger and irrational reactions when you try to talk about the subject - could he be addicted to *********** on the computer? These are all symptoms of that type of addiction (a family member has had problems with *********** for years - he is wonderful, smart and decent but his addiction to *********** has been an ongoing issue for him that he works on EVERY day - to keep it at bay, but when it becomes a problem or he is having a particularly hard time and giving in to the temptation - he feels like crap about himself and takes it out on the people around him!). Anyway, not to add to your worries, but could be? Do you know how to look for signs of the problem? There are some ways to see - it depends on how good he is with the computer - like does he know how to Delete the Browser History? Finally, when he starts blaming you for any of this particular issue - you need to tune him out - for me, this has become like slow torture - like a counselor I saw said once, "It's liking being pecked to death by a duck. It doesn't hurt so much at first, but after awhile it wears on you and is sore and can bruise pretty deeply." I am not a good one to advise on the getting out and doing things because I am struggling with that myself - but I LOGICALLY know that will help you (and me) plus the GYM - ooh la la - cute guys that are healthy and usually have a decent income (they belong to a gym!). LOL Hope some of this helps!

You aren't going to feel better until you go and there is never going to be a good time to go. An affair might help, but since you live together full time the stress of sneaking around might make it worse. See your Dr for something for depression..do your best to get to the gym...those endorphins will help. Visit the adult store and buy yourself a friend a two that look interesting..they aren't warm and they don't hold you but they'll take care of the immediate need. Stop in here a lot. *hugs* you're not out there alone

hello beth.<br />
Judging by my limited experience here, your post will receive a lot of replies, so keep coming back to it to check. Some people will have practical suggestions worthy of consideration. Others will have another way of looking at it. I'm in the latter lot !!<br />
In my situation (Outlined in a story "Recognise Reality") I redefined my role in the sexless marriage dynamic. I was "Angry Resentful Unhappy Husband". Not a pleasant role, but I gave it my best, being as resentlful / vindictive / unhappy as I could be. But it didn't work. After a while, quite a while actually, I saw the situation differently. The reality was that we were 2 middle aged people with joint assetts, two nearly adult children, mutual friends etc etc. We were / are "Financial Partners" with some joint responsibilities. From that time on I discarded the role of "Husband" totally (the good bits, and the bad bits) and with it discarded any expectations of "Wife". I see my role in the dynamic as "Empathetic Financial Partner". This has not changed the sex level in the dynamic at all ! But, you don't expect sex from a Financial Partner. You might get lucky after a drunken night out, but you dont EXPECT. Believe it or not, since I have adopted this position, the relationship with my Financial Partner isway more harmonious than was the case. There are no longer "Husband" / "Wife" arguements, as I simply will not engage in them. I treat my Financial Partner with dignity and respect (like I try to do with all people). Should she wish to address her issues at some point and embrace the role of wife - in total - again, I reckon I could probably re-fire something, maybe, but thats not the reality now.<br />
Now for the sex !! There are ample chances out there in the workplace, socially etc to engage in same. Its worth considering, but excercise some discretion. It can easily lead to additional complications in ones life, which you probably dom't need while you are wrestling with this issue.<br />
Keep reading the responses, some good stuff comes up and there are people way smarter than me who will have quality comments for your consideration. Good Luck Beth.

You do need to take steps to getting out of this relationship.<br />
i was in one like this and it just made me feel the way you are feeling now. I got out of it (it took me a few months).<br />
I had my last baby when i was 41 :-)<br />
Start doing things to make you feel good about yourself.

If you haven't got kids to keep you bound to this relationship then maybe you need to seriously consider getting out of it, as it rarely gets any better. You say you can't leave at the moment, but maybe you could start planning in your mind and taking baby steps towards that?<br />
And 40 isn't too old!