My Sad Story

Wow, not sure how I got here...

Long story, I'll try to keep it brief...  I am in a sexless marriage (Not my choice).

When me and my wife first got together, we had sex all the time (probably not a surprise)... I mean, morning and evening every day.   She instigated most of it.  As a matter of fact, I thought it was perhaps a bit too much, but I thought "what the heck, its fun for now and, it will not last forever, and we'll eventually calm down to a level that is still active"...   Well, that didn't happen. 

We got engaged, and the sex dropped off a bit... The "excuses" started... Its the stress of this, or whatever.  Don't worry, when we get married, it will come back.  In hindsight, I guess that was an enourmous warning sign that I didn't heed... I was in love, wanted to be with her... Never fell in love with her because of sex... I loved her becuase she was fun, and smart, and interesting.

Okay, now we're married... We did have sex on the wedding night, and the night after... However, the rest of the honeymoon was "dry"... Okay, a little disapointing, but I didn't let it get to me... We were in hawaii, we (or, at least I) was in love, we were having a great time, we really didn't need to have sex each day of the honeymoon.

We had almost no sex (I think maybe 1 time) the first month we were married (post honeymoon)... Hmmm... Thats a little disapointing, but its really not about the sex, so, okay, everything is fine.  We did get pregnant 1 1/2 months after the wedding (I think the 2nd time we had sex since the honeymoon).  She "lost" all sex drive while pregnant.  Okay, I understand that happens to people, I was very supportive, (even though I was a bit disapointed)... Part of the frustration started to set in... The rules started:  We're not allowed to talk about sex.  I cannot bring up the topic, or I'm "pressuring" her into something she doesn't want to do.  Adding to the fun were some job layoffs.

Okay, so our amazing son is born, and he is easily one of the 2 most important things in my life (along with my wife)  I find a job out of state (since we had both been layed off during the pregnancy), we put the house on the market, pack up the house, rent a place, and are literally minutes from leaving when she totally out of the blue says "You go, I'm staying here with the 1 month baby"...

I was  dumfounded, totally shocked... Yes, the sex had been non-existant, but thats okay since she was pregnant... We still talked and laughed and had fun together.  I was taking care of her and the baby... I had no idea she was thinking of something like that... Well, we talked, and she agreed to come to our new home... This was probably the first enourmous slap in the face I received... While these weren't the words actually used, what I heard was "thank you for the *****, I've got everything I need from you, I'll be coming after you for child support".

So, we move to a new place, I have a job, and she's home with the baby (for a while). I put the slap in the face out of my mind as best I could... She has depression issues, and had post-partum depression to add to it.  So, It may have been the depression talking.

As you're probably aware, you're not supposed to have sex right after a birth, so 2-3 (maybe 5?) months go by.  Finally, she's ready to try to have sex.  Yay, we have sex.  We're now perhaps 1 1/2 years into our marriage, and have had sex literally 4 or 5 times.

But, thats okay... In many ways things are going well, I still love her, I still love my baby, I'd still do anything for either of them.  I recognize that some folks don't do sex in pregnancy and/or first months of life... So, we're just unlucky, right?  Its too bad that she is one of the folks that are affected that way, but its only a short time, we have our whole lives in front of us.

Now it starts to get more frustrating:  Well, there was still no sex, and no sex, and no sex...  I tried as gently as I could to ask how she was feeling, or if she wanted to talk about it, or what could we do?  Always shot down...  "Dammit, I'm not going to talk about this with you".  "Dammit, you're pressuring me into something I dont want", etc.  I tried to bring up the subject of alternate ways to help each other if intercourse isn't in the cards:  Can we do showers together?  Can we use hands?  tongues?  Whatever?  Well, That didn't get anywhere either, shot down almost before the words could get out of my mouth.

Okay, so this goes on for a couple of months... Our amazing baby is now a year old or so.  I do remember at the end of a month (yes, a month) when we hadn't touched each other (at all, not accidently touching legs in the bed, not a hug in the morning before going to work, not a kiss on the cheek, no brushing of the hand when we handed an object to the other person, literally *NO TOUCHING OF ANY KIND*, that I brought up the subject again. 

I remember two things clearly from this time:  First, she said: "We have sex all the time".  This was clearly a lie.  But, I wanted to be honest about it, so I started "logging" when we had sex... Just becuase I wanted to make sure I wasn't being an A-hole...  I wondered "Maybe I am just being a needy jerk, and maybe we were doing it more than I thought."  (Yes, I was able to reconstruct and log every experience of our marriage at this point... Perhaps two years into the marriage)  Second, one of the few times Sex was brought up in conversation, I hear this:  "I love you, but I don't think of you as a sexual being"...  Hmmm... Okay, so I said "Would it be okay if I tried to get sex somewhere else then?"  (I obviously wasn't proposing it, it was a 'what if' question, we both knew it).  She replied, emphatically, "NO, You're married to me, you cannot get sex somewhere else". 

So, we get a little better, have sex maybe every other month for a while.  Then, we have some "good sex" one night, and are rewarded with her being pregnant again with our second baby.  Well, as you can probably guess, the almost non-existant sex drive went away again (Except during the 3rd tri-mester... We were pretty active for a month or so then)  Baby is born, and like before:  No sex drive during breastfeeding.

So, now I'm a few years into the marriage, and most of it has been truly sexless... Literally no sex for months at a time... I'm trying to be cheery and upbeat about it, we have 2 beautiful kids, the loves of my life... Again, I try to chalk it up to bad luck... Some folks evidently totally lose their sex drive during pregnancy.  I remember looking at my "Log" at the end of the first 4 years, and the total was 36 (exactly 9 times a year, including our honeymoon (good for 2), and the 3rd trimester (good for 10 or 12))

Okay, finally, the kids are off breastfeeding, yay, its been a long 4 years, but things can hopefully get back to somewhat normal in the sex department...  Needless to say, they didn't.  We rarely had sex (every two months or so), and when we did, it was very passionless and clinical.  No kissing (her choice), she didn't usually look at me.  It started with her expressing an interest, then using her vibrator with me laying next to her watching... We usually didn't touch each other or anything... After a couple of minutes of this, she said 'I'm ready', and at that point I had approximatly 15 seconds to get on her (always missionary) and start the intercourse... We would usually also use the vibrator during the sex, and she would typically ****** in 2-3 minutes.

As you can imagine, the rare sex was not very "good" sex... Sometimes, I would only last 2 minutes, and she wasn't able to ******... Holy cow, you would think the world had ended.  I know, thats a ridiculous "performance" on my part, but lets be honest, given the circumstances, Its amazing I was able to do anything at all  Sometimes that was literally the first 'arosal' I had in 2-3 months...  Almost worse was when I'd last longer than about 3 minutes... She would ******, and then be super frustrated that I wasn't finished yet... She would even say 'Would you just hurry up?".  Sometimes I just stopped  I "trained" myself to almost instantly get close to ******, then try to hold it so I could finish at the same time as she did... Well, sometimes I hit it pretty well, other times I was too short or two long... I would guess 25% 35% 40%... Well, 65% of the time she was super disapointed in the sex.  (either too long or too short)  So, we developed this rut where we didn't hardly ever have sex, and when we did it was passionless and clinical (and, *ALWAYS* when she wanted it... I had basically stopped asking... We didn't do sex when I was interested)

Wow, this is long huh?  Okay, so now its obvious we have some problems... Its not about pregnancy and / or breastfeeding.  and its not getting better... Can we talk about it?  No.  Can we see a therapist?  No.  can we whatever?  "No".  Basically all I get is different reasons there is no sex drive "I love you, but I just don't want to have sex that often... You're insatiatable, you ask for it too often... There is no problem, I love our sex life (Yes, she actually said that)

Not long after that, I'm awakened in the middle of the night, she is using her vibrator next to me.  Okay, thats interesting.  I wonder if I can participate somehow.  Again, you would have thought the world had ended, I was thrown out of the room so she could "finish"... Long story short, we weren't allowed to talk about this either... But, basically what I'm getting is "Okay, I do want sex, just not with you"

Months later, we had a big fight, and she told me she was logging stuff I did to give to a divorce attorney?  (Not sure what kind of stuff...)  I told her at that point hat I had a log of all the times we had sex... She came unglued and was so angry.  I'm not sure why:  Was it because I actually knew that we had sex less than 9 times a year on average? When she was claiming that we had sex "All the time"?  (10 times a year is the "offical cutoff" for a sexless marriage)  I tried to explain to her that I started the log to ensure I wasn't being a needy ahole, asking for sex all the time.  I truly wanted to make sure I wasn't one of those guys that freak when they don't get sex 5 times a week anymore.

Okay, So, as you can see, the marriage has been sexless, and very frustraing.  (good in other ways).  I never married her for sex, but honestly, I sometimes want some.  Our sexlife is in such a rut that neither of us enjoy it much when we do rarely have sex... I get myself to "almost the edge" right away, and try to finish in the 2-3 minutes it takes her to get there...

Now for the kicker:  8 years into our marriage, two great kids, etc.  I've spent years frustrated, trying to work it out with her.  Keeping it "in my pants", even when I've had girls come on to me, etc... 

Within the last couple of monts, she's obviously interested in sex again... I've accidently (truely, accidently) caught her with her vibrator... Again, Im not allowed to participate or even be in the room, its not something to share)  So, we have ramped up the sex a little, but mainly she's been pleasing herself.  Now, honestly, I'm not opposed to her doing that. But it seems frustrating to do that to the exlusion of her husband (who she says she loves).  But, we've been having sex a little more... Sometimes, its even "okay" sex instead of miserable sex.  Sometimes I'm allowed to continue past her ******, and she even seems to like it.  We're doing a little more than missionary (not much, but its something)  We even had good sex... Woo hoo!  Maybe, finally things are coming together...

Well, she starts acting strange a week or two ago... I We finally talked about it (Long talks), etc... In a couple of hours the talk goes from "I'm unhappy with sex", to "I'm open to the possibiity of us getting sex somewhere else", to "I'm sort of fantasizing about having an affair", to "I want a boyfriend", to "I've met some guy on line, and I'm going to go be with him on Wedensday".

She finished with the ultimatum:  "I'm going to go outside the marriage and have an affair:  I love you, I want to stay married to you, I don't want to lose you"  I ask what if I really don't want her to do it.  She bluntly said "I'm doing it, you can deal with it, or we can divorce"  ("But I lvoe you, don't want to lose you, etc. etc. etc... I just want a boyfriend too")  I guess my job is to stay home and be with the kids while she runs off and gets her jollies.  Its even worse becuse it sent from "I want sex" to "I want a boyfriend"... I guess she plans on going to dinners/movies/trips whatever with this guy (who is married)..  Meanwhile, I keep the house.

I'm so frustrated/angry/sad/messed up I don't know what to do:

1)  I was "good" for all these years... I respected as best I could her boundries, no sex, almost no talking about sex, etc.

2)  I didn't pursue things outside the marriage, for literally years (when I had the opportunity)!  She's horny for a month or two and is already out the door with her legs spread.

3)  She claims she loves me and wants to be with me, but it sounds like "You can be the housekeeper / father / cook while I run off and "date" people... We can still be "married", but the sex will come from somewhere else.

4)  She wants me to go outside the marriage too, so we both can have good sex.  However, the "ground rules" she propsed are almost silly... Basically, she has the "rules" setup so we can be with a certain subclass of folks, she already has 4-5 "on the hook" that she can be with... If I'm even interested in this, I don't think I'll be able to find anything... So, I guess the bottom line is it feels disengenous:  "Hey, you can do it too" (while really it would be difficult to find women like that... So, its almost like shes saying 'Im going to have fun, but you need to meet these (almost impossible) rules... But, since you can, I'm being the good guy by letting you have an afair too"... Not sure what this is about... She swears that she wants me to find someone to have mindblowing sex with, since I'm not getting it at home.  I'm absolutly *SICK* over the idea of her on her date tomorrow (today, I guess)

4)  Yes, our sex life is terrible, but shouldn't we try to fix it in the marriage?  Nope, she says "I'm horny, I'm getting it somewhere else".  Isn't it reasonable to expect some "hickups" in our sexlife after the first few years outlined above?  Heck, the last time we had sex, it was good enought that "if we had sex like that most of the time, I wouldn't want to go outside of the marriage"... But, she's still doing it anyway.

Okay, I'll shutup now... I know this was very long, and I know it sort of crossed the "sexless marriage" and "cheating spouse" story lines

What do I do?  If I stay, I get to have a reasonable family life, I love my kids, etc.  She swears that her going outside the marriage will spice up our sex life... My soul is dying... I'm not sure I can stay and be tortured like this.  What do I do?

idontknowreally idontknowreally
16 Responses Feb 11, 2009

omg! hi there i'm curious, man, how good are u in bed? maybe u should ask yourself first.. coz she's ************ wtf? instead of u, she used a vibrator.and the hell satisfied to that thingi. thats ridiculous.. and if your answer is 80-100% good and definitely wild.. i think the problem would be your wife... i'm kinda horny and sex addicted to my husband and he never rejected me into that part.. your wife might having an affair.. maybe.. i guess.. but u should be aware and take it seriously.. cheating is a NO NO for me.. For me there's only one rule, if you're not happy with me, set me free and i will let u go.. i know its hard for u being in to that situation.. but u should give yourself a chance to find / look for someone that can give you happiness..

Hire a lawer. Divorce her. Get joint custody of your kids.<br />
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Enter therapy! This is important. You will need someone to help you look at the last 8 years of your life ob<x>jectivly in order to heal, move on, and find some one who will love you the way you deserve!

I'll make this short and sweet... Get out now with the kids. To live in that marriage in the presence of your children would be equal to child abuse. Think of the example they are seeing. How are they ever going to get their head straight as to what a normal and loving relationship is all about with this as their example. Run, run, run. do not look back! This is dysfunctional with a capital "D"!!!!! Don't spend a millisecond feeling guilty about it either unless it is to feel guilty for letting it go on so long. There were parts of this that I related to at first except mine went on for 34 years... but then you went off and left me... And yours has only been going on for 8 years. I understand how you can make excuses and before you know it you see that time is slipping away, but really, if you had known only part of this at the beginning... would you have ever consented to it.... I mean really? Hopefully after laying all this out like this, doesn't it make clear sense what to do? I think it does to most of us! Hitch up your big boy pants and take care of those kids you say you love so much, If not yourself!<br />
Good Luck to you!

I am so saddened by this story, but believe can, should and will find yourself a good woman. You are in my thoughts, kind gent.

I'm sorry but you have one evil, manipulative, (most likely) bi-polar ***** living in your house.<br />
This outside affair idea is insane. She just doesn't want to burn a bridge(you) before she gets a better offer.<br />
Thats what a calculating manipulator she sounds like.<br />
If she finds a man who can serve her needs better than you, it sounds like you will be toast.<br />
I haven't been here long, but i agree with the previous posters; this is the most bizarre story I have read here...

OMG I am SO very saddened by your story. Many other posters make excellent points so please think about their comments.<br />
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If you are new to EP, I have a guide which I use to evaluate the "value" of people's comments - I check to see if they are members of this forum.<br />
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We do get posters on this forum who are NOT in sexless marriages and just get on this forum for some reason of their own (perhaps prurient interest?). They are often very young and usually HIGHLY judgemental. (Ironic of me to say so, as now I am being judgemental. . . !!)<br />
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But the truth is that their advice is superficial at best. If you like the sound of what a poster says, check them ourt on their profile and read their other stories and posts. If you find yourself in agreement with much of what they say, you will probably find their information or advice useful.<br />
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Like others here I believe your wife is cold harted, manipulative and does not love you. I too would suggest you take every step to safeguard yourself from her actions.<br />
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And saddest of all, I totally agree with Strageling who says she is already on the lookout for Husband no. 2.<br />
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My heart goes out to you.

Okay, firstly, I am so sorry, and indeed my heart is breaking for you.<br />
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Second, it's real easy for all of us to sit back and tell you to leave the selfish, b*(^%; but she is your wife and mother of your children. We get brainwashed into thinking, they "love us" how could they really hurt us this way. <br />
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As painful as it may be; however, do see a lawyer, and get yourself in therapy. I guarantee you she has done some number on your self-esteem that will show its ugly head at the next sign of a half-way decent relationship.<br />
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Third, keep reaching out; to us, to family and to friends. <br />
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Much love and hugs.

Got one word for you-SELFISH-okay? If I were in your shoes, I would get enough info on her, get a lawyer and break her from the habit. You see, she's been getting hers; you said it yourself. She masturbates. I don't think it's a bad thing until one partner uses it to control the other partner. It keeps people that care for you at arm's length, and you don't have to commit to them emotionally. She's run her course with you and still either needs you financially, or to babysit, so that she can go and get some more of what she REALLY likes. CYA is the catch-phrase for the day. Cover yours really well. You can cool believe she won't have any problems covering hers when it counts. And she won't stay in your marriage, because there's another dumb schmuck just waiting to believe everything she will tell him. It just takes a while for them to go from ************ to actually "doing the deed". She's not happy, and unfortunately, you will be left holding the bag for her short comings. You probably won't ever see it coming! Be forewarned-it's not your fault that she's manipulated you into a corner-just your fault if you don't get out of that corner when you can!

Wow, yea, that's quite a story. I feel like I was right there with you. Well, I actually DID do various parts of it with various women over the years, but I was only actually married to the one who lost her sex drive during (and after) pregnancy, and the one who had no interest in sex after the marriage and decided to open the marriage to suit her personal needs.<br />
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The first wasn't heinous, the second one was. Let me point a few things out to you.<br />
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For starters, she's already looking for Husband Mark II. You will only be holding onto her for as long as it takes for her to find someone who will believe her story of how awful you are and fall in love with him. Once that occurs, you will likely get home from work to discover that she's moved in with him and taken everything of value (and, in some cases I've seen, everything down to the light bulbs) with her. She's made every other move to suit her personal needs, this one is inevitable.<br />
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Second, her threat of litigation indicates that she thinks that she can build a case for you being the bad guy, and that she probably will make the attempt. Count the number of times you two had sex since she mentioned it. Is it about ten? Congratulations, she's just diffused that threat from you. Record her actions, talk to your own lawyer. Her insistence that she should be allowed the infidelity that she insisted you couldn't have is more than enough reason in the eyes of any court in the nation to put them on your side.<br />
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Third, dude, watch your credit cards and phone bills! The specific class of female that you seem to be describing seem to feel that they deserve everything you've ever owned. If they think that their access to everything you might own in the future might be cut off, the have a habit of taking all they can and running with it. If you see your balances jump up, file for divorce immediately because that will freeze your marital debt. Any debt she racks up after that is her problem. Put some of your money in an account that she doesn't have access to. It's still a marital asset, but she won't be able to convert it to cash and spend it on you.<br />
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I'll state outright that I'm basing all of this on the single side of the story that you describe, but the symptoms you describe are about as unmistakable as those for chicken pox. For your sake, I can only hope that I'm wrong.

The amazing part of this story is your unbelievable patience with her. It is patently obvious that she just does not want intimacy with you. You were apparently there for only procreation purposes.<br />
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Her professng love for you is a blatant canard. She has a absolute distain for you and irregardless of your sexual performance, that may seem a bit inadequate by her standards on those rare occasions, she could have if she loved you , helped you to induce what she needed.<br />
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Others here have said it all, do get to lawyer before she files suit. Her desire to seek out another to satisfy her needs and her own self gratification indicates that she does have sexual desires, it just plainly clear not with you. It does make one wonder if it is another man she seeks or a woman, a distinct possiblity.<br />
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I have lived with sort of thing for years with a religious saint and know full well how frustrating it can be.<br />
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May I ask about her abilities as a mother , is she loving and competent?

This is one of the most mind blowing stories I've read here on this subject. UNREAL. Your wife obviously had an agenda from the start. She wanted kids and a husband, and you fit the spot of husband good enough. No woman that loved a man would treat him the way you have been treated over the last 8 years. Her behavior is abusive and has been almost from the start. This woman is cold, calculating, selfish and horrible. There is no excuse for her behavior. You were duped into marrying her and she pulled the old "bait and switch" that gives women such a bad name. It sickens me.<br />
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She doesn't love you. She doesn't respect you as her husband, or as a human being. I would suggest getting the hell away from her by any means necessary.

R u mad or smthng?0r a superman?HW DO U U T0LERATE HER!leav her!do u stil lv her aftr alL these thngs she has d0ne to u dEsPite u being so nice n undrStndin?

I admire you for your ability to communicate the background of your marriage. You have had your roller coaster ride, like most of us. Yes, no, maybe so .... doesn't make for a comfortable consistent relationship. s After being married for so long I know that baggage continues to pile up without professional intervention, in the form of therapist and counselors.<br />
We do not judge others here. We offer support. It is ultimately your decision whether to allow this behavior your wife is pursuing, or put your cards on the table. In this day and age there are a lot of medical issues to be considered in sex. You are in a marriage that needs more than your wife is willing to offer. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too.... your suppose to follow her lead. <br />
Please consider your children and how this will affect them further than they probably already are affected. Seek counseling and we're all here for you.

this story just flat out ****** me off. you're true to her for years, then out of the blue she decides she wants to go find her physical fulfillment outside of the relationship, when she had said no dice for you earlier. no way! you do not have to put up with this. you'll do what you think best, but you are not being treated fairly.

So much of what you have described of your last eight years with your wife sounds so familiar, from the no talking about sex to the no touching, sex only when it suits your wife, basically everything on her terms and to suit her life, yet you love her and want to make it work for her and for your kids.<br />
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I am only new to this forum like yourself and as such I don’t feel like I can give you any advise as I am currently trying to make sense of my own marriage, but I wish you well and I hope you figure out what’s best to do, I can only imagine that your head hurts, your stomach is churning and your heart is heavy, but hopefully knowing that you are not alone may offer some small support.<br />
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Be strong, I’m sure others will give you advise, but be prepared to not like everything they say, unfortunately like me you may be faced with the truth of the situation, and it’s not easy to hear.

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