Who Wants to Be the "Other Woman"?

 Now that I got your attention,

I would really like to know what most women would feel about being the other woman.  

In my case I am in a completely sexless marraige due to my wife's medical issues.  So after decideing to being open to finding and/or persuing an intimate relationship with some one else I would like to be armed with some general knowledge of how the "Other Woman" may feel.

I am a very sensitive guy.  That said, knowing what other women may have to say about this will help me to be more aware of their feelings, expectations, and reasons for being in the type of relationship I will be seeking.

Thanks so much to Michelle and ANEWME from another post , they have given me the insight I need to persue the best course of action for my situation.  Their input made me want to ask this question.

 

sexlessincolorado sexlessincolorado
46-50, M
36 Responses Feb 11, 2009

Hi Tinker,<br />
Thanks very much for your honest response. Very good advice from the "other woman" I was seeking.<br />
<br />
I never thought about having to provide proof to the other woman. I guess you are right about the many tall tales men can contrive. At any rate it would be no problem for me to do this.<br />
<br />
My wife has told me on many occasions "Why do you stay with me?" I tell her because I love her, which is true. She has been thru a lot. I am also a cancer survivor. I can not bring myself to just walk away.<br />
<br />
I want to say more, but I have a business to run and I am busy today. I will write more later.<br />
<br />
Thanks again. You are the person I was hoping to hear from.

I am the "other woman" of a man who's been in a sexless marriage for 40 years, the last 25 without sex or physical affection.<br />
<br />
Some of Zorbas comments rang really true. We did fall in love very quickly, but we'd had an affair for 2 1/2 years 25 years ago, so we had shortcuts. BTW I left him then because I knew I deserved the 'whole package'. Still single when he found me 5 months ago it was easy to fall back in love hard and fast. In our case it is enduring and he is in the process of extricating himself from the marriage.<br />
<br />
So those are my qualifications to answer :-) First, as others have said, I'd want complete honesty from you, and at first that might even mean pictures or actual evidence from the doctor (you'd be surprised at how creative men can be when lying about their marital status!)<br />
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Think you should expect to fall at least a little in love with your woman and she with you, because with your physical intimacy, emotional intimacy will follow naturally and that will lead to loving each other.<br />
<br />
Set up a strict routine and guide lines. In this techno age it is easy for my lover and I to communicate through out the day, unlike 25 years ago when only the telephone was available and the numberous hangups would've given any other wife the tip off. So get a separate cellphone, for texting and calling. <br />
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If you're not going to tell your wife, (and would she really be so surprised if you told her you wanted to find safe sexual relief outside your marriage), then you must build in time into your schedule to see your woman. Take up a ficticious gym membership or something that will not alarm your wife when you spend so much time away from home.<br />
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If I was your 'other woman' I would expect consideration for my time, my job, my life. NOT money, but realizing that my time is important and do NOT expect me to wait by the phone, doing my nails because you *might* call. Trust me, having my life will keep our life more interesting. <br />
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As far as exclusivity, that's up to the individual woman. I am incapable of infidelity. I have my man, and he is all I want. I cannot imagine dating someone else as long as we are committed to each other.<br />
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Good luck. And I'd really consider floating this idea to your wife. If she is cognizent, she may understand. If her condition is that deteriorated, I apologize for any offense, none is intended.<br />
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If you do not want her distressed by your arrangement, then be extremely careful not to be discovered and that can be done with lots of preplanning.<br />
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Again, best wishes.

Just my 2cents worth........if you do find someone wonderful to be intimate with, and you fall in love with her, then what? I think you would come to really resent your wife for standing between you. Not saying you can't make your own decision here, but do it with your eyes open to a whole different type of torture. That is why I don't think I could ever be "the other woman" But then again, I keep trying to fix my marriage. Maybe when the day comes that I just give up completely, I will have a different opinion. Maybe then I will be looking for a guy like SIC!

well not to sure about all these comment i have heard but iam going to put mine into lol.ok i think if you r not going to leave your wife and your r going to find you someone you should be looking for someone that has as much to loose as you do someone that has a spouse to go home to at night too.. soo you want have to worry about your wife finding out and it hurting her.. and the truth is no matter what pll say to you your going to do it anyways because your already thinking about it.. so find someone your age with the same mind of thinking and also loves what they have at home that is just looking for a good time.

thanks STrangeling,<br />
I edited it a little, but when I read it again I made my point even stronger, as I became more irritated.

BTW, SIC, you can edit your posts by clicking on them, but then you'll need to delete any <BR> symbols before you save it. It's apparently a bug with the system here.<br />
<br />
Ranmoo, I'm going to back him up here. It's difficult to love someone who is happy with your misery.

ranmoo - I had to respond.<br><br><br />
It's not about sex. it is about a complete utter lack of intimacy. I am lucky if I get to stand next to her in the kitchen. There is much she could do or offer to be even a little affectionate. I mean, I get more tuching from a strong wind. Her condition has completely shut her down. We have talked about this many, many times. She has sought help. Nothing has changed.<br><br />
I am absolutely sure I have enabled her. I have enabled her to shut down by being the most supporting, loveing, giving person I can be. I cook, clean, do all the yard work, tell she is nice looking EVERY DAY!, compliment her in every way I can, give her cards. I am not exaggerating and this has been going on for over 6 years.<br><br />
I mean WTF?<br><br />
I respect your opinions, but take the time to read about a situation before you offer a narrow minded solution, such as just go spank the monkey?<br />
At any rate this story is not about what to do. RE READ THE ORIGINAL QUESTION - I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT A WOMEN WOULD FEEL IS SHE IS WITH A MARRIED MAN <br><br />
(Sorry I am irritated)<br><br />
I am not in love with my wife, but I love her. But we as human need intimacy. I can not leave her because I am her means of support. I do not know why but I do love her. .<br><br />
Can you imagine if you were 40 years old and faced the fact you would NEVER be intimate again?

I am a guy and I can not blieve what I am about 2 say but here goes. R u n love with your wife r r u in luvv with your wife. I personally believe n investing n a good vibrater.. It never says no and it is always availaable. Your wife probably did not choose 2 get sick. I have a friend whose wife left him because he became a diabetic thus causing him 2 become impotent. I guess I c the situation a little differently because of that. My wife and I very rarely have sex but she remains my best friend. I have 2 admit that when we do it is great. In all honesty tho, the vibrater still gets it's share of use. Sometimes when u r thirsty all u want is a glass of water.U r not n the mood 2 fix a meal for 2. I can not believe I just said that. Iam soooo baddd. Imagine that.

SIC my heart goes out to you. You are trying to do the right thing by your wife and it seems that her health issues are the cause of many of your difficulties.<br />
<br />
I understand the "shaking in your boots" feeling. After all this time, the very thought of taking the steps necessary are daunting.<br />
<br />
Please know that whatever you decide to do - EPers will support you. True, a few are judgemental but most understand only too well the difficulties and dilemmas you face.<br />
<br />
Sending you a big {{{HUG}}}.

Ophra said today that the number one reason men cheat is because they feel unappreciated.<br><br><br><br />
<br><br><br><br />
They totally ignored lack of intimacy or heaven forbid a sexless marraige. <br><br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
enna, I am shaking in my boots. If only I could be so valient...

SIC, this is a real dilemma with real challenges that you face. It is clearly not something for which there is a simple answer. All of us have approached the issue from our own viewpoints and naturally these viewpoints are as varied as the posters themselves.<br />
<br />
What you decide must be right for you. Sure it might involve risks. Sure it might not be the perfect solution - what is? Sure, we all wish our lives had not taken this turn - and that we didn't now have to deal with a situation which is not of our own making.<br />
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And (good grief!) you might even have to suffer the disdain of Palm's boyfriend (but between you and me, I'd say the fact that he is her boyfriend is not the highest recommendation for his powers of judgement so I wouldn't let that bother you TOO much!). :)<br />
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But at the end of the day, only you can decide what will or will not work for you. Just remember you have a right to your life too. And whatever you decide I'm sur you will get lots of support from all of us "old people" on EP!!<br />
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Every best wish.

I think you should make an effort to keep your relationship with the Other Women purely sexual, so as not to jeopardize your relationship with your wife. This also protects future unattached ladies from falling for someone they will never be able to have, and it saves all three of you a lot of potential grief. So a professional escort service might be a good idea.

Palm29 - I cant help but wonder how your BF would feel about you if he new you had sex with a married man for the gifts. I think there is term for women that sleep with men for gifts.

It seems there are a few diverging opinions here. <br />
<br />
Palm29 argues with herself pretty well.<br />
<br />
I will try to digest all of the insight and try to provide a thoughtful summary in the near future.

My marriage was sexually challenged for the last eight years of it. My feelings were deeply crushed when I realized that he had forgotten how I liked it, and had to ask-again! Or had he confused me with someone else? And I also, tried to find comfort with other men in hotel sweets. But I was still frustrated....like Zorbas said, it was wild and crazy as first, but you quickly realize that you are very confined and limited. There is no next level to take it to. And I was further dismayed to realized that these "friends with benefits" were not remotely interested in hearing about my life, my highs, lows, challenges, observations, none of it. I remember one particular occaission, when I felt quite dismissed, and I thought, "this is the last time with this guy--I can get this anywhere!" The point being--if you choose to engage in your dream, beready for the reality to go it nearly any unexpected direction!

well I guess I can give my two cents. when you have someone else involved it can get very complicated, I believe that in every "other woman" case usually one person will want more out of the relationship so be prepared to either fall for someone or have someone fall for you. Personally I was the one that fell and now I have to pick up all the damn pieces myself, if I could do the whole thing over again I would have never put myself in the situation I did, I was just left wounded, good luck though, I think in the end you just want happiness and I really do hope you find it.

I think it's really hard for women to not become attached after a while to the man they are sleeping with. With that said, I would hate being the other woman. <br />
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I was the "other" woman for about 3 months. It was horrible. But that's just me. I suppose if you no the rules up front, you can make sure any hurt feelings or misinterpretations are nipped in the bud ahead of time.<br />
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Good luck to you. Wishing you all the best.

Dear SIC,<br />
so many good comments here for you. I am very conscious of the feelings that Zorbas is talking about. It is about falling in love with someone to the point whhere you can no longer maintain your first relationship.<br />
<br />
In your reply you talk of loving more than one pet or one kid - but truly, intimate relationships are not the same as those you have with kids or pets. They are infinitely deeper and more complex.<br />
<br />
No doubt you have your reasons for staying in your present marriage despite everything - as I do too. <br />
<br />
I am having an affair with a man in a similar situation and at present it is fine for both of us - very exciting and a great relief after many years of being without sex.<br />
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I am confident we won't fall in love with each other because we are SO different - he is younger than me for a start. <br />
<br />
If you are looking for a relationship like mine (I suggest you read my entries to get an idea of where I'm coming from) then I have found online dating sites are ideal.<br />
<br />
They allow you to state up front what you are looking for - mine says I'm "not looking for a permanent relationship; seeking a sensitive and sensual man who understands my position and can assure me he is discreet". No-one reading that can be in any doubt about what I'm seeking!!<br />
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The advantages as I see them are:<br />
1 you state upfront what you are looking for<br />
2 the only responses you (should) get are from those seeking the same or prepared to work around your sitation. (Altho' I did get one born again Chrstian man - I can only think he must have wanted to save my soul!! :) )<br />
3 the people you meet are outside your regular social circle which increases the discretion factor. Having an affair with a friend, neighbour or co-worker can be highly dangerous when it comes to discretion<br />
4 you can "vet" people quite openly - in fact it is expected. People don't expect to "hook up" with someone just because they have met on-line - you email each other; maybe phone each other and can openly discuss the requirements of your connection with them<br />
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Whilst this might sound old blooded it can be a good way to find the connection you are seeking with the minimum danger to your present situation.<br />
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Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well. Good luck!

SIC, I believe I did read your post accurately, I'm just using words differently than you are. As you may have noticed, I've had quite a bit of opportunity to refine my definition of the term "cheating". If you do it with your wife's knowledge and permission then it's not cheating. If you don't then it is. This impacts the other woman because it means that her ability to have contact with your wife will be minimal, she'll have to exercise a great deal of discretion around you, and she won't get to see you on most weekends and holidays.<br />
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This is completely independent of your situation. I wrote virtually all of my post from the perspective of how I view the Other, not of how I view the cheater. Since you brought up the subject of your condition, I'll cover that now. Pardon me if I sound like I'm writing a contract, but my mind is mostly on work matters that I can't actually accomplish at the moment.<br />
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Any regular here knows that I consider sex to be an obligation that's accepted when a married couple pledge sexual exclusivity. Humans are not designed to be happy if they have to live without sex. If you take on a role as exclusive provider of such a need, then you also take on the obligation to supply it. If one party becomes unwilling or incapable of supplying that need, then they are in breach of the marital contract and they lose the right to that exclusivity. Depending on social circumstances and other commitments, this may involve unilateral renegotiation on the part of the deprived.<br />
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In your case, your wife has become incapable of satisfying your needs. This is through no fault of her own, but that doesn't make your needs go away. We don't let a dog starve because we can't afford dog food, and we don't let people keep cars that they can't pay for, regardless of whose fault it is. Continuing to be loving, caring, and supporting is a very kind action on your part - one that not all of us would be willing to do. I applaud you, and don't blame you for tending to your needs in other ways.<br />
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Does that help?

lexi123,<br />
thanks for the confirmation.<br />
<br />
The next challange is to attract someone else into my life without scaring them off first!

You will definitely find someone-and it is easier than you think--take your time--don't rush--and it will be fine.

OP - read the book "The Secret". It is about the law of attraction. <br />
<br />
I found that you meet someone when you least expect it. From my (limited maybe) experience it is one of those things that can't really be planned. Keep the faith and optimism. Eventually you will attract someone if that is what you want.

lexi123,<br />
thanks for the confirmation.<br />
<br />
The next challange is to attract someone else into my life without scaring them off first!

OP - your situation is indeed very special, I feel for you (also for your poor wife). Good Luck.

Lexi123...I am not implying that falling in love is bad , on the contrary it is as you say the very essence of what we are as human beings. I was merely trying to, in the spirit if the thread, to advise on the complications that can arise when and if some one is contemplating that method of escape from a sexless marriage.<br />
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I called love a risk, for the sake of semantics let me refer to it rather as a complication

Strangeling,<br />
I feel you have not read my post clearly. I am in a relationship that will NEVER be intimate again. I have given her 6 years of my full attention with NO expectations of any thing in return. <br />
<br />
It is not unlike being in a caregiver situation. IT can not continue indefinately without taking a toll on me. <br />
<br />
I am not stealing from anyone. I have given my all. <br />
<br />
I am and completely drained.<br />
<br />
The most unselfish thing I can do for us is to re fuel myself, give my self permission to take care of me, so that I can continue to take care of her.

Zorbas,<br />
this is where you and I will differ. I would embrace the emotional connection. It is not unlike having more than one kid or one pet. You love them both equally both for their strengths and weaknesses. If one of the relationships ends so be it, as I have already prepared myself for the consequences before hand.

I've never actually cheated on anyone, but I've been "the other man" a couple of times, and I've been cheated on more times that I care to recall. What I've discovered is that someone who is looking for extracurricular intimacy will eventually find it somewhere. It's their commitment that they are cheating on, and it is up to them to balance their responsibilities.<br />
<br />
With that in mind, I've never held it against someone for being the person my significant other decided to cheat with. I've disliked a few of them purely for reasons of them being a self-absorbed ******* or some such, but I can't fault them for being in the right place at the right time. With a couple of them I've gone so far as to thank for making the problems with my relationship so obvious, and making getting out of the relationship that much easier.<br />
<br />
As for actually BEING "the other man", I make it a point to understand what I'm getting myself into, and making certain I understand the woman's interest in me. Some women will find another guy just to make their primary guy jealous, for instance. Some are looking for a commitment that they aren't willing to reciprocate. One that I slept with was essentially trapped in an arranged marriage (yes, she was a foreign national), but had the freedom to move about the country. All of this makes honesty absolutely essential.<br />
<br />
Another point about dishonesty is that we are all looking to get something out of a relationship. Each of us has a different SOMETHING, but we wouldn't be getting into one without it. When I get into a relationship that isn't going to provide that something, I'm wasting my time. If you are purposely dishonest about what I can expect to get out of a relationship, then YOU are wasting my time. With relationships, this "time" thing can be on the scale of years, and we only get so many of them. This is especially true of women who value their youth and beauty (because a lot of men seem to value their youth and beauty).<br />
Regardless of how people feel about being sexually taken advantage of, the theft of time is something that is a serious, meaningful, and significant loss to the other person, and you should be ashamed of yourself!<br />
<br />
Ok, enough proselytizing. I think you all get the idea now.

I had short experiences with men who were married and it was a long time ago, under different situations than yours. You must have sacrificed much to come to this junction in your life. I applaud you for your honesty to yourself. I've had many "ah-hah" moments looking into the mirror and reflecting on myself.<br />
You will instinctively know when you are feeling happy and at peace with yourself. Each of us have our own set of "reasons" for our unrest. It's all wrapped up in one ... companionship, sharing sexual feelings and thoughts, and connecting with the one you are with on every possible plane of life.<br />
<br />
Remember ... what about you? You are the most important person to yourself ... only then can you share the joys of love and happiness with all those around you.

Sorry to steal the thread here but:<br />
<br />
Zorbas - why do you (and others) consider that falling in love is the biggest risk?!? Why a risk at all? I would say it's the best part and it is something so rare. Aren’t emotions / attachments what differentiate human sexuality from that of animals? <br />
<br />
I never understood the “being afraid to fall in love” concept. I made sure I ran as fast as I could when I heard that speech ( a couple times in my single life).

Please take it from me , whose whole married life has been revolving about affairs, as most of you all ready know about me from the forum. <br />
<br />
I can say without reservation that all the conversations up front about the conditions to be met before an affair means naught when emotions begin to stir.<br />
<br />
It starts out as unbridled sex, in many cases like two persons drinking at a water hole after after a long trek through a desert. You employ all the pentup fantasies you've had for years. You passionately mesh together and before long it turns tino the deepest kind of affection. It is inevitable and here therein lies the problem.. <br />
<br />
This is when the biggest of risks which I speak often of comes into play. It is not the fear of discovery which is always there, and surprisngly enough making it all so much more thrilling, but the love that starts blossoming. This is a surprise and many are unprepared for it. Since love and sex and intimacy are all wrapped in the same package it cannot be otherwise.<br />
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Most end with great hurt and longing and you are left only with the glowing memories of a wonderous time . I will take taht for what it is, but I sometimes wonder why it couldn't have been found in your own marriage. Was it all her fault or mine?<br />
<br />
I 'll take the memories over the bleakness of a sexless marriage but have never failed to wonder what I may have done to find a way to have that magic here at home. .

Lexi,<br><br />
You ask a good question. The other woman would be exclusive for me, as there is no way and never will be any more intimacy with my wife due to medical problems.<br><br />
<br><br />
No I will not tell my wife. ANEWME and Michelle gave me excellent advice in another post. I will continue to love, cherish, make feel safe for her well being.<br><br />
<br><br />
I can also do the same for "the other" woman.<br><br />
<br><br />
I do not need the "Other woman" to be exclusive to me. In fact I would like to hear her stories if she has any. Otherwise we will create our own stories.

Good luck to you. Honesty is a wonderful quality, don’t beat yourself up for being too honest. So, are you planning on being honest with "the other woman" or also with your wife? <br />
<br />
I could never be the other woman because I don't like to share and think I deserve the whole package once I am set on someone. <br />
<br />
I have known two women who were the "other woman" but neither of them was exclusive with those guys. Would that bother you?

Being honest is the ONLY way to be and reveal everything to her. ..let the relationship grow and develop..if of course that is what you desire. As you are fully aware--there are thousands upon thousands of people in the same situation--

Yes, I will be completely honest. My personal honesty has always given me trouble as I seem to reveal too much to people. This may or may not help me find what I need, but it will certainly prevent other people from getting hurt.

It depends on the woman--a balance needs to be kept-and you need to be completely honest-that you don't plan on leaving your wife--as long as the situation is mutual--you should be okay.<br />
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When you find her--enjoy--enjoy every minute you have together--and treasure it.<br />
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Life is to short to be lonely and feel that emptiness.