Intimacy Experiment

I am currently posting a daily blog about an experiment I am conducting on my sexless husband.  I have been asked to repost this story for those who may have missed it.  If you find this topic interesting, please join in on my blog!  It can be found on my Personal Page.

(original story below)

I am thinking of trying a 30 day experiment: for 30 days I will shower my husband with affection (not overly mushy, but tender touches and kisses) even if I get nothing in return. I will control my hurt feelings, resentment and insecurities.

My theory is that if he is withholding affection based on insecurities or some other sexual emotional issue then my action will cause him to open up again and allow himself to return and even instigate affection.

If he doesn't, then at least I will know that 1) It is not my attitude that is causing the problem (it is not my fault), 2) there is nothing that I alone can do to correct the problem, 3) counseling may be required.

If he does, then this is the road that we need to continue to correct our relationship.

At the very least, I will have gained some data.

BeeAlone BeeAlone
41-45, F
10 Responses Feb 11, 2009

I wish you luck on your experiment. What I have found is that if your partner has no sex drive, there is little you can do to make one show up.... I have been down this road.

I think that most everyone has some stress with their job right now. If they still have a job. This has been going on for the past 5-6 years.<br />
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We are best friends and talk about all kinds of things. He just doesn't want to talk about this problem because we have been over it a million times and he doesn't want to dredge it all up again.<br />
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The physical ability is there, just not when he is with me.

Lexi - I haven't decided on V-Day yet. But I have decided to make the plans myself instead of hoping that he will plan what I want. I am finally realizing that he can't read my mind and is not the most romantic person. (I'm a little slow, I know!) But you just gave me an idea for another story to post here. Thanks!

Pency - our sex life was fabulous in the beginning; slowed down by was still good after our son was born; just in the last 5-6 years has it been barely existent (3x a year).<br />
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Zorbas - you were considered a sex fiend because you reduced your church visitation? Man, I need to read your stories!<br />
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Shortguy - I certainly dont believe that marriage is Quid pro quo. I just think that once one partner has his/her feelings hurt, they unconsciously withdraw from the other partner. Sometimes that withdrawal is physical, sometimes emotional, usually it is both.<br />
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I am opening myself up to my husband emotionally and physically. I want to do my 'best to comfort, care and love [him] and attend to [his] needs, even when it is difficult and [he] "don't deserve it".' I believe that if I open myself up, then he will eventually do the same.<br />
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We used to have the kind of marriage that you spoke of and believe that we can again. But someone has to take the first step, and I have decided that it will be me.

I have been doing that a while but can't contain my anger and resentment anymore so I am doing the opposite and will treat him just as he treats me like a roommate. This will be hard but I can't take the rejection anymore. <br />
Good luck I really hope this works for you. Does he at least kiss you back or hug you back if you do it to him? If so maybe there is hope and things can maybe slowly go back to how you want them. I think with mine there is none. He freezes up when I touch him. Today I will start my 30 day trial of avoiding him physically. I won't reject him but will force myself to keep away from him physically since he rejects me anyway it is sick that I keep trying. Good luck!!!

Good Luck to you! Any special plans for V Day?

I think what you are doing is a good validation for your perceptions. <br />
For me, marriage shouldn't have to be Quid pro quo. Even if you are sick or angry and hurt or whatever, marriage to me means you do your best to comfort, care and love your spouse and attend to their needs, even when it is difficult and they "don't deserve it".

I think what you are doing is a good validation for your perceptions. <br />
For me, marriage shouldn't have to be Quid pro quo. Even if you are sick or angry and hurt or whatever, marriage to me means you do your best to comfort, care and love your spouse and attend to their needs, even when it is difficult and they "don't deserve it".

I salute you in this endeavor. It sounds to me like a most logical and precise way of determining what is really transpiring in your marriage.<br />
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I tried something similar several years ago and was immdeiately considered a sex fiend and it was due to the fact that I had reduced my church visitation.

Hi there<br />
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if you don't mind can i ask?was your relationship was your sex life was good with your husband in past?