Is That All There Is?

I live in a sexless marriage . . . for eight months now, eight long months. I'm 47, married for 21 years and my wife likes the status quo, sex every so often, a low libido, okay, I kind of knew that during our three-year courtship. When we were married, we were both virgins, in our twenties and we fumbled around together . . . Lol. She's a wonderful mom with our three boys, she's working out now, with a trainer and she's going to see a therapist next week. (I've been going for 10 sessions now.)

 

One big problem we have is . . . oral sex. She's never done it to me, physically, never, she just can't. We've tried everything over the years, in the shower, flavoured condoms, etc. I used to enjoy oral sex on her but she asked that we stop because she couldn't return the favour. She's trying, she really is but it's almost taken on a life of its own, symbolic of mundane sex. One time, during the last eight months, in a hotel suite (we really are trying . . .), we literally stopped, in the heat of the moment, because, we both knew, well, I certainly did, that, that's all there was. And it's not enough for me.

 

I just feel, and I've told her this for nearly two years now, that she's stopped being a sexual partner and became soft and round and content with her friends, her job, the children, everything but me. We used to put each other's needs first, but now I just feel she's not capable or can't or won't open up, of letting herself go, of getting to that point, which they describe in Mating In Captivity, when you totally trust your partner and you just enjoy each other, for pleasure's sake. I want that more than anything.

 

willow091261 willow091261
46-50
7 Responses Feb 11, 2009

Palm29grl:<br />
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If I was honest with myself, I would say it's been like this for longer than I care to remember. Is she selfish and complacent? Well, she's certainly complacent, happy with a trophy husband, the compliments from other people, our so-called status in the community, our affluence which dulls the senses. I've said to her on many occasions, I wish we could return to the days when we had no money, nothing, just each other, when things were much simpler. Now, we've almost reached the point of no return. So sad, really.<br />
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Thanks for responding. Cheers.

Sexlessincolorado:<br />
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It is f***** up, isn't it? She hates to hear it but she's just like her mom, old Victorian beliefs about sex, a Rock of Gibraltar, not necessarily cold as ice but almost indifferent when it comes to even her own sexual needs.<br />
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Meanwhile, as reflections3 said, we're left to our own devices, with our own sexual needs, urges, unfulfilled, all these feelings and emotions, just dying to come out. Pardon the pun, but it sucks. Lol.<br />
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I appreciate your note, btw. You're right, about life being too short. My dad died nearly two years ago, 20 years after my mom died. She always told me to follow my heart. My dad said follow your head. So, what are we to do?

Reflections3:<br />
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It wasn't very practical, was it, virgins marrying virgins? Lol. <br />
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I've often wondered what I would tell our boys if they asked, "What should I do, dad?" I think I would tell them to be kind and gentle and safe and that its okay to feel sensual and aroused and loved by someone else and that it's natural to be curious and to experiment with someone who shares your feelings about something as important as sexuality.<br />
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As far as getting head from my wife, is it really that important? Actually, it is and it isn't. I've told her I want to be touched without asking and I want her to open up and be as sensual as possible, whatever that entails. I wish I had known then, what I know now. I know this sounds harsh and I've just angry and resentful but I wouldn't marry her again. Not now.<br />
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Thanks for the support. It's nice to hear from people who are on your side, dealing with these things as best we can.

Kungfuchic:<br />
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Sadly, I'm beginning to think what you're thinking, that some of us aren't meant to be together forever. <br />
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Wanna know something that's been revealing during these eight sexless months? You think you know someone after more than 20 years but when push comes to show, when something this important is raised time and time again and she pretends everything is okay, well, you wonder, "Do I really know her? Did I ever? How could she risk everything by not dealing with this?"<br />
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She is starting therapy next week but what if she's not capable, like you asked? I've always figured I would just lead one of those lives, of quiet desperation, like Thoreau said. But really, why? Why stay? <br />
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Thanks for the kind words and keep trying to figure it out, with us. I hope that switch comes on for you.

I think there are many people - men and women - that were brought up in a very strict environments - never learning to live in their own bodies. If you were virgins when you married was it because of religious values? If so, you are in trouble. Your expectations as a man after the vows may have been FINALLY! Her expectations may have been more about stability and nesting. And she is has had to grapple with the fact that you have one those things.<br />
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The oral sex issue seems peculiar to me. She may have some very deep seeded or suppressed issues including F** up relationship with her dad or other male relative when she was little. Or maybe she was taught by her mom that area of the body is bad, nasty, and not to be touched. Who the F knows, but there is something behind it.<br />
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If she is unwilling to go to counseling and discuss these issues in frank and open manner, I am afraid you are in for a lifetime of forced celibacy.<br />
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Life is too short not to live a life true to yourself.

The answers are never cut and dry. We were also virgins and I know that is beautiful, but not very practical. <br />
How did we select our sexual partners based on no sexual experience with them?! It's like buying a gas stove but not knowing if the pilot light is going to stay on or if you have to constantly relight it. People do change as they age, but one thing stays the same .. the need to touch and be touched in return .. the need to be acknowledged as a lover and beloved. Marriages can run out of steam and fall into the hum drum mode, especially when one partner isn't putting any effort into it. <br />
Since we want sex and they don't ... all they have to do is not do it .. what do we do ??? we can't just stop our feelings and emotions .. they are a part of us.<br />
As far as getting head from you wife .. is it really that important? If she doesn't have a sexual nature, it will never be what you had hoped it would be. As kungfuchic said, it's like a switch they turn on and off ... at will. I don't understand it because I am on your side ... wanting to be a sensual partner but they're not there.<br />
Keep your spirit up and don't settle for what is being served. I wish you both the best.

The more stories I read, the more I am convinced that couples are not meant to be together forever. Sad to think isn't it.<br />
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It's like a switch goes on and then goes off. I suppose if I could figure it out I woudn't be on the sexless marriage site.<br />
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I suppose once you recognize "she is just not capable" then you can make decisions in your life, with a clearer head.<br />
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I wish you the best.