Virtually Sexless From Day One!

I'm now 27 and a professional student. I got married a little over 4 years ago to a great woman. We had little sex from the beginning, but I must admit the first year we had sex more than 10 times. Sex was not particularly great and part of it may have been my problem with early deployment (but how are you supposed to synchronize your sexual response to your partner's if you have sex about every month?). Anyway, I have never been a forceful person and I have never pushed her or even "asked" for it openly, but I expressed to her that sex was important to the bonding process of a new couple and that if we just did it once a month we were never going to get better at satisfying each other. Things never really got better. On the day of our second anniversary, I pretty much lost it and told her that we should each go our way and that obviously we were not getting anywhere. She cried and promised she'd try. For about 3 or 4 months we had more regular sex (NEVER more than 3 times a month). I even told her to discontinue her contraceptives as those are sometimes linked to loss of libido; she said she really liked her periods now that she was on birth control and brushed off the idea. Things have gotten progressively worse in that department. In 2008 we only had sex once (in October) and in 2009 we haven't yet, and to make matters worse I honestly don't want to have sex with her anymore. I care about her and I think she'd make an awesome mother, but I don't think we ever bonded and now I can't see her as more than a great friend or almost a sister. I was sexually attracted to her for the first couple of years, maybe even early last year, but now I am actually afraid of having sex with her because it just feels weird. We have a great life and hardly ever argue. However, we don't spend much time together even if both of us are home. We somehow seem to be on opposite parts of our home. We only have a dog (no kids). I am really upset because I really wanted to eventually have kids with her and start a family. I honestly don't think that is a good idea anymore and don't want to prolong this suffering. I also prefer to end things now that we both have a chance to make up for the lost time and that we are still young. I'm sure she wants to have kids and I want her to be happy; I just don't think we can be happy together anymore. I do believe that the lack of sex killed my marriage and trampled upon the growing flower of my affection for my wife. At this point I'm almost decided to pull the plug on this nonsensical and frustrating relationship and I hope that we both can find fulfillment in our future lives. I welcome any comments and thank you for taking time to read my plight.

frustratedat27 frustratedat27
26-30
7 Responses Feb 11, 2009

My wife and I haven't had sex since October 2006 (when we conceived our third child), and now that we have 3 children, it is VERY HARD (no pun intended) for me to leave this marriage and not be with my children.<br />
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You sound much older than 27; I'm 38 and I feel like you do -- like having sex now would be like having sex with my sister or my best friend. It just doesn't seem right.

Our stories have similarities. My marriage was never sexual or intimate, but I stayed for 12.5 years hoping every day it would get better by some miracle. Oh sure, I pleaded, begged and threatened to leave, begged for counseling, but nothing worked. <br />
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Leaving him had it's effect. He was willing at that point to do whatever it was going to take to make the marriage work. I wanted to stay and keep trying, but I was so broken at that point, I had nothing left to give him. All of my life blood was sucked from me. Each day, slowly but surely I am building myself up, getting stronger. I don't know, and doubt that he and I can be together again (we are just two very different people with very different needs), but I never stopped loving him and don't think I ever will.<br />
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I guess the moral of the story is, you already have the answer. Don't waste the best years of your life trying to beat a dead horse.<br />
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Hugs

I can only imagine that you are torn up inside at the moment, I think most people are when they first come to this site, but the advise is overwhelming and I must agree.<br />
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You are only 27, most of my friends didn't get married until they were in their mid-30's, so you both have plenty of time to recover from this and go on to lead much happier lives, becuase what you have described about your life does not sound happy, possibly for your wife, but if you feel the way I do due to a lack of intimacy, then you are probably miserable inside and sadly this will only get worse as the years go by, it will eat away at you.<br />
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Tell your wife you need to go to physo-sexual counceling together, if she agrees then give it a go, there is always a chance, but it must improve; if she refused to go, then it is time to leave and find a partner that will fulfill you both emotionally and physically because you don't deserve to go through life feeling the way you do.<br />
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Best wishes.

I urge you to find a new life for yourself. It may also result in her finding a new life too. But you have tried to make it work, and unless she understands your needs andis prepared to work with you, I fear you will be in this situation for ever.<br />
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It is hard to break up a mariage, but if you do so now, you have a chance to live a happier life - and so does she.<br />
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Every best wish, whatever you decide.

I strongly recommend against having kids. And as they said above, you're young, and once you're out and moving on to someone who'll love and hold you, you'll be fine. So will your wife. Be sweet to her and tell her that it's for the benefit of both of you - because it's true.<br><br />
Good luck.

Go to couples therapy, have her see a medical doctor. Try but if that does not work RUN...<br />
You are to young.

Sorry to find you here, washed up on the same shore as the rest of us. <br />
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Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and understand the magnitude of it .. the possibility of spending countless years without (or very limited) touch or intimacy. It is toxic to a marriage. Bringing a child into this would be a terrible mistake!<br />
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Read around the stories here – it rarely gets better – and when it does it requires BOTH partners to be engaged and working toward a solution. Even then it is not an easy path. <br />
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It is important to deal with this early and directly, otherwise patterns develop that are not conducive to rekindling the flame. If you have not tried already, marriage counseling or sex therapist might be worth a try. It seems that your wife may have lost the place she held in your heart. Only you can decide how much more you are willing to invest. <br />
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Good luck