Rambling Thoughts

While dealing with life in a sexless marriage, I have internalized a lot of the rejection. It is difficult to not feel that my husband's lack of interest and even refusal of sex isn't in some way my fault. I think that this is a common reaction and have noticed many others here express the same feelings.


When I start feeling rejected, ignored, avoided, etc. I tend to withdraw and give up trying to work on my marriage. I also tend to give up on myself.


I truly believe that beauty and sexuality start with our own self-image. I have seen many women on tv, magazines and in person who are not what our society would consider sexy. Most of these women are overweight, older or do not posses lovely facial features. But looking at these women, even in still photographs, they gush sexuality. Why? Because of their attitude, the way they dress, the way they carry themselves, the joy in their smiles. This inspired in me the idea that the sexuality of a woman is not necessarily the physical beauty, but what radiates from the inside.


Now I am not going to dismiss a skinny, valumptuous cover-girl, but you men answer me this honestly: If you had to choose between a cover-girl who is cold, insecure and empty inside and an “average” woman who is warm, intelligent, happy and comfortable in her sexuality; which would you choose?


I think we as women, and men, of sexless marriages need to start taking care of ourselves and finding our own happiness instead of waiting for our spouses to give it to us. Some of us want to improve our marriages and some are looking for a way out. Either way, we need to start being pro-active in finding our happiness and our value.


I know that I feel sexiest when I feel good about myself. If I do not feel attractive, how can others see me as attractive?


So how do we access this inner happiness and sexuality? I think that we have to start with the basics. When do you feel good about yourself? What are you wearing? What are you doing? Where are you?


I am going to share a few examples of things that make me feel beautiful and/or happy. I am sure that you have your own or can think of others. I would encourage you to at least try a few regularly and to share with others your own ideas.


We need to empower ourselves and take control of the things that we can control.


  1. Manicures: During these challenging economic times, I know that we all can not just run out to the salon and plop down $40 for a manicure. But I love locking myself in my bathroom (the only way to avoid the kids) and paint my nails. Sometimes I will even paint my toenails a really funky color or two.

  2. Clothing: When I really get to feeling down, I will pick out an outfit that helps me feel that way that I “want” to feel. If I want to feel powerful, I will pick an outfit for that and stick on a pair of heels. If I want to feel sexy, I will pick an outfit for that. We all usually have at least one outfit that we feel good about ourselves wearing. Whatever it is, put it on! Even if it is putting on an evening dress at 10am. Who cares? This is for you!

  3. Music: I do the same with music that I do with clothing. I get in the car and put in a CD with music that reflects the way that I “want” to feel. If I am stressed, I put on something soothing (I like Abba, but I am weird!). If I am insecure, I put on classic Rock and sing as loud as I can (I can even be caught playing air-guitar or drums at a stop light). Goofy music works well too, such as corny songs from old Musicals. Music is a very powerful resource and can be an instant mood changer.

  4. Avoid food and shopping: These are NOT positive mood enhancers and there is always an eventual price to pay!

  5. Exercise: I have to admit that I do not use this resource as often as I should, but it is a great stress reliever and offers positive benefits.

  6. Bubble bath: I like to slip into a hot tub overflowing with bubbles and again, pop in a CD.

  7. Call a friend: Be sure to call someone who is positive and will make you laugh. Calling someone who complains and gossips will not help your mood. My mood lifter is in Colorado and she likes to talk and laugh, a great combination because sharing my misery is not a mood booster.

  8. DVD comedies: Make you some popcorn, grab a glass of wine (or whatever) and put in the funniest movie that you can find. The goal being to laugh until you either wet your pants or snort wine out your nose. Either one gives me another reason to laugh.




Whatever it is, do it for you! Remember, negativity is a black hole that sucks in those around you, but so is happiness!


Wishing you all happiness!

BeeAlone BeeAlone
41-45, F
13 Responses Feb 12, 2009

hmmm....i did the bubble bath, had my nails and hair "did"...put on a little something slinki-ish and suddneny i realized I like ME just not him! haha... Joking of course...<br />
All really good ideas. Now If I can just get my husband to talk to me about something...ANYTHING...instead of asking for the "nookie"...I might be more apt to have romantic feelings for him! <br />
Why must he think EVERY physical touch is a prelude to sex...it only leads to an argument! ARGH!

This is a great post... you are right!<br />
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As a man, I can tell you warmth and enthusiasm wins out over "cover girl" perfection. And yet, this doesn't mean that I'm not attracted more to women who match my own fitness.<br />
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We all suffer from rejection and neglect, and all we want is to share pleasures with our mates.

Bee, Everyone likes to feel special at some point. The irony is how much and when does it feel special. Too much special spoils a person, just the right amount is just right, and too little drops the self esteem.<br />
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I would gladly take a person with a warm fuzzy outlook over a cold hearted beauty queen. Who wants to be treated like you are beneath there "standard." <br />
Look on the inside first then the outside. If one has both, What a blessing you have. <br />
I think we all are guilty of seeing "the OMG" bodies of the opposite sex (both ways) and at the same time do we know what type of personality they have? <br />
Being stuck in a sexless marriage is an irony that I will never figure out and at the same time, somewhere you have to take care of yourself or you definitely will "go down the tubes" of depression and despair. <br />
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All of you have said it all. Simply without self esteem and a snese of self woth you will forever be subjected and controlled by others and at their mercies. I was luckier than some in that I always knew that I had some value if to no one but myself..

Confidence in yourself is very hard won for those of us in sexless marriages. I totally agree that it has a LOT to do with looking after yourself and feling good about yourself.<br />
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That doesn't mean only physical caring either, although that is a good place to start. But if, like me, you are in your late 50s, it is unrealistic to expect physical perfection - and such expectations can drag your self estem right back down again!! (I'm sure I'm not the only woman on this site that HATES cellulite!! :) )<br />
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A positive fr<x>ame of mind and a happy and caring disposition work wonders. That smile and eye contact are essential too - but they only really work if they are spontaneous because you really ARE happy to see the person or meet the person. (You can't fake it!)<br />
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It is a cliche, but focussing your attention on the other person works wonders too - we are all "seduced" by attention - we get so little of it at home!<br />
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I've met six men so far in my quest for a sex life that I'm not getting at home - and all six have wanted to take things further. I'm certainly not Elle MacPherson so I think confidence has a LOT to do with my "success" rate!!

ANEW = AMEN! Go girl.<br />
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Bee: I believe you need to stay strong and confident, because yes it radiates from the inside out. I started out pretty confident, not very though, and not enough to withstand the damage from my marriage. I relate alot to ANEW. My husband never told me I was pretty, or I looked nice, or I was sexy. I got the big IGNORE or "why are you so dressed up" or "is that outfit new?" The first time we made love he told me I was beautiful. Once about 4 years ago he told me I was hot. Other than that. . . 0.<br />
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If we are going to survive in life, but mostly in a sexless/loveless marriage self-esteem and confidence have got to be present. Unfortunately for me, when I started gaining mine, and radiating, I had men flocking my way. All the attention caused me to have a melt down. That's when I knew I had to leave.

I have always been a firm believe--if I feel good about me it makes everything better--I never have had a relationship with my DH where he was the one that made me feel good--if in 29 years of marriage he has said a handful of times "you look nice today" or anything of that nature--that's allot! So fortunately I have been strong enough to not need that from him--I've always dressed for me, worn lingerie for me--I believe if you feel good on the inside-it shows on the outside--my DH doesn't even know what type of lingerie I wear--and I have tons of it!!! I love it-makes me feel good. I love to wear dresses and heels and clothes that make me feel good about myself--I have a DH that has told me "get over yourself your not all that" so over the years you become jaded/cynical towards him--it's been a long time coming but ANEW is on the horizon of a new life.

Abashed- just make sure the kids are at school before you slip on the dress! lol<br />
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I find it interesting that more men have responded than women. I hoped that my statements would not appear too geared toward women. A sexless marriage can be a real ***** on self-esteem for both men and women.<br />
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Bazzar- removing a mullet is beneficial to EVERYONE! lol

I totally agree with your thinking that others won't see you as attractive if you can't see yourself as attractive first, I think this is true.<br />
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Much of our sexuality is about confidence, but living in a sexless marriage can really knock your confidence, and unfortunately I don't know if our sexual confidence has any effect on our partners? <br />
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It was my confidence that first attracted my wife to me, and I remained a confident person in the early years of our relationship despite the lack of intimacy after our first child was born, but slowly my sexual confidence has drained away, and I honestly don't know if it would make any difference to my wife now or not? The other problem to be honest is self protection, I find that when I do build up my self confidence sexually and get rejected, it hurts even more, it just makes me feel like an idiot and my self confidence turns to self loathing, so if you are building your self confidence up to appeal to your partners sexually, then I would be careful, but if it's just to build your confidence in general with no expectations, then hell yes, go for it!!<br />
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I'm not ashamed to say that I watch Romantic Comedy's to cheer myself up, I get back massages, cook dinner for friends, drink wine in large quantities (not a recommendation), have long hot baths (men enjoy bubbles as well you know :)), hug my children as much as I can and very recently, I check this website to get encouragement from other people in my situation, this helps me recognise that I am not expecting too much to want intimacy in my life and that it is not my fault, because that has been the biggest confidence drain in my life for years! <br />
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And yes, I would much rather have a funny, interesting, warm hearted woman who is happy with herself than a cold-hearted, self-conscious skinny and media beautiful looking woman, I always had done and always will! Personally speaking, the sexiest part of a woman are her eyes and her smile, a cheeky smile works wonders, and for extra spice, a Scottish accent and I'm in trouble!!!<br />
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You sound like a real fun person, I love the fact you wear evening dresses at 10AM in the morning, that's class!! It actually sounds pretty sexy, in fact, I'm going to go see if I can fit into one of my wives dresses right now!!! :)

Hello bee.<br />
I am looking at this from a blokes perspective, but will share the fact that to try and fire up my "Financial Partner" about5 yrs ago, I went the physical route. Started running again, updated my glorious 70's mullett hair do, dressed a bit snappier, and more. I dropped about 15kg over some months. It didnt work at its intended target. But, I felt better, was better. I found some women were attracted to me - all very flattering etc, BUT, I don't think it had that much to do with how I looked. I think I projected a more positive persona and maybe thats what people sense. So, whereas the initially desired result didn't happen, to do a bit of work on oneself turned out to be a worthwhile thing in and of itself. This is a long winded way of saying "I agree with you". Personally, I find all women beautiful, and some have some indefinable quality that makes them desireable too, and for me that is how they project themselves, more so than how they may look. I can't explain what this quality is tho !!

Turn on's for me:<br><br />
Having similar personalities, goals, interests, values, compassion, good listening skills, something to talk about, and affection turn me on the most.<br />
Physically the first thing I notice about a woman is her eyes and how she walks. If she is confident and stuck up she wont make eye contact = big turn off. If she is confident and giving and makes eye contact with a smile = big turn on. Size and appearance matter to a degree. For example, I have seen very pretty unkept "thin" no hygene women that are NOT attractive. I have also seen BBW's that walk confidently, smile, aware of themselves and their surroundings, hold their head up, back straight and shoulders back, and smile. That's attractive - regardless of size or face. <br><br />
But the BBW that is confident, freindly, smiles, holds her head up is rare. <br><br />
Women that think "she's all that" are common and a big turn off to me.<br />
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I am not sure if my comment is clear. It certainly is rambling. <br><br />
Beauty does come from the inside, but it also is represented on the outside. They are kinda inseparable.

Absolutely! That is why we need to get our self esteem back. If we rely on someone else to build our self esteem, then they can also break it down.

ignore the idiot above.<br />
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i agree the attitude issue is perhaps the biggest part. my partner has told me a number of times "if you were a bit more confident...". kind of hard to be confident when you're partner is always turning you down -- when the person you love doesn't really respond to your touch, doesn't ever make you feel wanted, etc.. this will ***** mine your self esteem.