Finally Coming to

i am 37, overwieght, female, have been married for 12 years.  My husband is also 37.  We haven't had sex in 7 years, and he is impotent. He says the problem is my weight, but the last time we tried to have sex (7 years ago) I wasn't really that overweight, and I tried to give him oral sex (he's also had an overweight girlfriend with whom he says he really enjoyed oral sex). He didn't refuse, but he was mortified by his impotence.  He says he masturbates successfully, but is not turned on by me because of my weight because he is a 'visual' person.

I kind of feel like it can't all be because of my weight.  Even if he doesn't find me objectively sexy, wouldn't he occasionally still have needs to address with me?

We both love each other very much and are the best of friends. But I'm feeling more and more boxed in by this relationship, and this is a big part of it.

maja37 maja37
36-40, F
6 Responses Feb 12, 2009

Thank you everybody for your support. We talked about it last night, and I told him I thought he was using my weight as an excuse. He agreed and said he's really into getting some couples therapy. It's been so helpful to post my story here and have so many people respond with such helpful advice and suggestions. Thank you!

Hello Maja<br />
just an observation, back when my wife was firing up pretty well (the odd decade ago !!! lol) her shape had changed from spectacular, to "overweight" over some years. However, she used to still act and project as if she was still 'spectacular' - and to me, she still was. Point I am trying to make is that (to me) what you project tends to be what you attract. Maybe you are projectng "I've put on a bit and dont feel very attractive", conversely, he seems to be projecting "My issues are your fault" which is (a) unattractive in its own right and (b) bullshit. Anyway, that is my 2c worth. I am not a huge fan of "Victims" who will apportion blame to others for things they could excercise some control over themselves. But you never know, he might get some sort of epiphany wherein he starts to take a bit of responsibility for himself. Good luck.

I agree, he is using your weight as an excuse. I bet he can't "successfully" **********. My husband still claims there's no problem but I can guarantee you that it doesn't get up for me OR for him. Ever. Make him prove it. If he doesn't want to do it in front of you, give him an "out" -- tell him he can do it himself and email you a digital picture of it in both the before and after condition. But I would make him prove it's *your* fault. Then, if he can, divorce his *** for holding out on you! (Yes, I'm in a bit of a mood today) :)<br />
<br />
Princess More

If he can get an erection for self gratification he can perform sexually. His impotency appears to be an excuse . You state that you both love one another but I can not believe that two people that profess this deep affection can deny each other their needs. It is not my perception of real love.

Best Friends are suppose to take care of each other, and in marriage that includes allowing each to be as sexual as they want to be with each other. <br />
Problem is when one decides that sex will be done when they want, in the way they want, whether you want it or not.<br />
As sexually responsive as I am, one thing will never turn me on .. LACK OF SENSITIVITY TO MY DESIRES AND WANTS.... <br />
Your husband needs to have a complete physical to ascertain there is nothing medically wrong. Certain meds can upset the sex drive. Then consider a therapist or counselor, alone or together, to get a grasp on what you are truly living.<br />
If you were satisfied with this situation, you wouldn't be here. Llike the rest of us, we continue to try and improve our lives by venting and commenting and suggesting how their situation looks from where we are standing in life.<br />
Blessings and best of luck ~~

Maja, you say your man loves you, correct? Then you need to tell him your pain, share it with him, allow him to feel how you do. I myself have attemted many times to share my pain with my spouse, I truly wish you have better luck than me! The physical side to a relationship is paramount to a marriage, and is why it differs from a friendship. <br />
<br />
Talk to him, and if you already have, tell him again, you have needs, and deserve for those needs to be met!