Sexless Marriage...double Life...in a Big Hole

I'm not sure where to start, but I know I've gotten myself into an embarassingly big hole. We're in our late 30/ early 40s and a few years ago we got into a major dispute over a career decision. We fought and argued about a path I took after a company I was with shutdown. The path is paying off now, but was a struggle in the beginning. It seemed that nothing short of me giving up a huge stake in a business was going to change her feelings. We agreed (barely) to give it some time to see if it payed off or not. That tension translated into a sexless period (a few times a year). She rebuffed and made it known that it wasn't going to happen any time soon. Its a wonder we didn't break up. While I was clear I didn't plan/want to cheat, I found myself looking online to chat sites for stress relief. I had a small collection of female friends I'd chat with now and then. I'd sometimes share pictures of myself (face hidden) once I got to know them. I keep in great physical shape, but I also discoverd I'm significantly larger below the zipper than average (trying not to get too graphic). One thing lead to another, and somehow I have ended upwith my own adult Web site with an active and growing membership. I hadn't planned it and there isn't enough money to make a living at it. I'm also embarassed to say that I recognize I'm addicted to the excitement from the members. I'm struggling now as to how to put my life back together. I do love her and I want to revive our relationship. I want figure out how to fill my needs without having a double life as a adult model. I realized this outlet that once was a casual stress relief is now stressing me out at being discovered. Any advice without the judgement (I'm hard enough on myself)? Is there a 12-step for this sort of thing? We're hoping to go to counseling, but we weren't sure that is the first thing to do.
bzmantm bzmantm
41-45, M
6 Responses Aug 8, 2007

Just an update to my story. My wife discovered my 'sideline'. I was sorry to have her find out that way, but incredibly relieved that i no longer have such a big secret!<br />
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I told her everything, and with counseling I'm sure we'll make it through. I was stunned by her willingness to talk it through. I feel so lucky to have her more than ever!<br />
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Thanks for your posted and non posted comments!

thank you beau. it is definitely an addiction...and becasue she doesn't know, all the more difficult. Hopefully we'll work things out, and maybe then I can find a better outlet.

You are dealing with sexual addiction. This addiction does not include only people that go out and sleep with strangers to get a 'high', its anyone who uses anything sexual to get that excited feeling which eventually takes over their life in a destructive way. This happens either because you hide it (which does not protect your loved ones by the way), become distracted by it and neglect other areas of your life or it becomes unsafe for you or your partners. Seek help. Look up 12 step sexual addiction programs, they're all over the country. Good luck. My husband has dealt with this through our entire 11 year marriage I hope your marriage survives it and I hope you recover.

This is from a different point of view and your have to ask yourself these questions. <br />
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If you quit cold turkey, how will your family do financially?<br />
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What is your next career for putting bread on the table?<br />
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Here is a suggestion. Like an athlete, you have a gift. You cannot and do not want to play forever. Why not gradually withdraw from the business while hiring some "new talent"?<br />
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Real important, you and new talent, no drugs, drinking, gambling...etc. all the bad addictions.<br />
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You can step back and manage the business while letting others act as performers/models.<br />
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Think about your goals in life and what you really want to be doing.<br />
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Obviously, there is a lot more to your story and the comments then can be put on a message board!

Thanks again ElleMeza...I understand what you mean...<br />
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btw, if anyone has any other thoughts that they're not sure about posting, please send me an email...I'm looking for ideas/comments that can help or confirm there is a way out of this...

Thank you for your comments Sillyone and ElleMeza. <br />
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It seems like the 'right' thing to do is shutdown the site and stop all contact with members. Eventhough I've never had any addictive issues (drugs, drinking, gambling etc), I recongnize I will fail if I go cold turkey. I obviously can't get or even ask for support from my wife. "er honey, I've been leading a double-life as **** model for women. Can you help me give it up?" I'm wondering if I see a counselor first it might go smoother... I still can't believe I've gotten myself in this situation.