Honest Ugly Anger.

Perhaps somethings should not be said or admitted. Perhaps certain truths about the differences between the sexes should not be openly discussed. Sometimes these truths may be ugly, or truer still, offend those of the opposite sex. This story is not polite, it is not politically correct, and may not even be the truth, however it is what I am thinking about now and it feels honest.

It all began with my asking myself an honest question; How much am I to blame for living in a sexless marriage? I mean how much of this total lack of human compassion am I really responsible for? Can I blame her entirely for the now 8 years of absolutely no human contact? It takes two to play, so if I am going to be really honest with myself I need to know what my roll has been and for how much and what I am to blame.

So begins the honest and ugly truth. My roll, at least as I see it, leads me to an ugly conclusion. I am not interested in the inane conversation that goes on in the feminine world...get that? NOT INTERESTED! I don't care to discuss how my day went, what spilled on the carpet or what your sister said. I don't care and am not interested...not even a little. I cannot stand to listen to all the cackling yentas screaming on Oprah, I do not want woman invading me sporting world, NO FEMALE SPORTSCASTERS! I don't care how people "feel" about things they don't want to fix.

I am a man. If you want to talk about all the little issues of the day and how everyone from the grocer to the kid at 7/11 "felt" about something CALL A FRIEND. Leave me out of it. Don't ask me to listen to this crap if you don't want my input. I am not going to say "oh my!" and "really?" and "how does that make you feel?" and I am not going to commiserate over unimportant BS that goes on day after day. If you want me to try and help or to fix a problem, please share it with me, but if you really just want to talk about it, CALL YOUR MOTHER!

Is this too honest? Am I offending anyone yet?  Don't worry, it gets uglier. You see the truth of the matter is this: I will listen, "ooh" and "aah", offer no advice, commiserate, ask silly little pointless questions for hours on end, day after day, if there is a promise at the end of it all. I will even suffer through this inane, unimportant, inconsequential crap if there is even the hope of a promise in the end. But at some point, when I finally realized there is no promise, no hope of a promise, not even the prayer of maybe a hope of a promise...ever, I stopped listening, I stopped caring that it was important for her to talk things out. I gave up because no matter how much I cared there were needs, my needs, that would not be fulfilled. So don't talk to me, call your girlfriends, call your sister, call your mother, call anyone else that can make you feel that crap is important because I can't do it anymore. Not unless my needs have some hope of someday being fulfilled.

Now here is the even uglier truth of how I came to this awful, but honest, realization. There was an attractive woman who paid a little attention to me. Imagine, a friendly attractive, nice woman interested in talking to me. She even would reach out once in a while during conversation and touch my arm, push a little on me. Holy crap man, after all this time to think someone of the opposite sex could think of me as something other than a checkbook, a handyman, and person to give all the big and serious problems to, was amazing to me. (In bitterness he thinks "maybe that was her end game, but it still felt nice and exciting in the moment") After a few of these conversations I began to realize how everything she seemed to talk about was all the same inane crap I had listened to for so many years at home, and yet, I was interested, at times even fascinated. Why? Because somewhere in the back of my mind my body was being sent messages that maybe there was some chance here that I might get some of the physical contact I have so desperately missed. there was a hint of a promise in the end. All I had to do was talk about all the crap I really don't care about.

So there it is, the ugly truth. Men, or at least this man, can take all those billions of words women feel so necessary to expunge from their being only if there is the possibility of sex in the end. Without that promise, or that hope of a promise or at least that hint of a hope of promise...NOT INTERESTED, CALL YOUR MOTHER.


This is all pretty ugly, I know. I am not proud of thinking this way and hopefully I am wrong. But as I travel through this existence my moods change and my thoughts can get dark. This, obviously, is one of those dark times. But somewhere in this little story lies some honesty, some ugly truth many of us may not want to acknowledge or admit to, but it is there, isn't it?


hardtobear hardtobear
20 Responses Feb 12, 2009

Hahahahaha ! As an experiement I stopped responding altogether to my STBX when she was boring the crap out of me about what so and so's Mum said to the deputy head teacher about a kid I neither know nor care about...it made no difference ! Her Mum is exactly the ******* same. She talks to the back of an armchair while her Dad reads the paper or watches TV. That vision was NOT going to be my future too :-)

I love it!

FOP, my response exactly! "What you see is what you get"!! If you find an inane blonde bombshell your cup of tea, you can hardly blame said blonde bombshell when she is inane!!! WTF???

"shopped for a 36c-24-34" green-eyed blonde, "<br />
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hmmmm<br />
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...maybe if you'd shopped for a little less window dressing and a little more intellect, she'd be easier to listen to... ...shopped - dear God man LOL

it's a heck of a lot easier to overlook someone's faults (whatever they are) when you are getting laid!<br />
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And there it is in a nutshell!!<br />
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And I'm pretty tired of hearing my husband's inane dreams and schemes when he hasn't a pot to **** in nor a window to throw it out of that I haven't supplied for him.<br />
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But I did happily listen for years while I worked my *** off... when I was getting some...

Good blog...but as a female, I makes me feel indignant. I'm chating you up because I feel happy and comfortable around you. And yes, that means a chance of what could come later. But if I know that you think I'm silly and moronic, going on and on like a old bat, yeah you will get your wish...I will shut up. I will shut up so hard it will make your head spin! And don't think I'm going to feel like being intimate later, you can BUY that anywhere and keep your anonymity. We females want to feel like we are fascinating to you, and that our babble enticed you. So, please, fellas, let us work our "charm" and pretend to be mildly interested. It will pay off!

I am married to my hubby for 11 years and I have to tell you that he can really talk but just does not know how to put out honey if he put out as much as he talks DAMN i'd be a happy camper but I understand I could careless what goes on in the lives of people that have no direct anything with me.

I can't stand it, I have to respond to bazzar! "Financial Partner?" I am glad that works for you...but if what I had wanted was a financial partner I would not have shopped for a 36c-24-34" green-eyed blonde, who once said to me "I can't be out of money, I still have checks!"<br />
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My employees are financial partners, my clients are financial partners, the IRS is my financial partner, I do not want to think I would marry any of them! <br />
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No, I expect my wife to be a wife. I do not need anymore financial partners.

All great comments, from lots of different perspectives. Then, there is this type of problem , I am having. I communicate very well, but it goes in one ear and out the other. When your wife is home all day, and spends the majority of it on her laptop playing pogo, and gets nothing done around the house, it gets real frustrating. I started out nicely communicating that I take care of the money aspect, and it would be appreciated it she would do laundry, the dishes, and some small other things. Now I am not saying I will not do them, because I can, but when I am the only one in the house who gets everything done, and am told that I am being selfish for wanting some REAL physical connection ( not an act to make it seem like she's putting out), then the communication isn't working. You can only talk to someone so long before you give up, because nothing will change a person who acts in that manner. Hello ladies, it's called giving your 100 % to the relationship. Your man busts his butt, and all you can do is play with your stupid laptop. PATHETIC! I hope the computer and you are very happy together. Those are the things that lead to divorce! Now that I am off my soapbox, I will explain that I work hard for a reason, to enjoy life and be able to get some appreciation from the spouse who is supposed to love me. Each partner in a marriage should keep themselves in tip top shape, not be lazy, expect the other to do everything, etc. I am a very giving man, and very selfless, but there comes a time when you are sick and tired of being walked all over. Most men don't ask for a ton of things from their wife, except affection, understanding and help. We go out of our way to please you, so enough of the excuses you give! Stop being frumpy, enjoy how your husband makes you feel, talk only about things you both can relate to, and make you smile. Work should be left at work. When you hit the door at night, smile like a cheshire cat, jump in his arms, and be crazy together, and most of all by helping each other with the little things, you will have more time for each other. And.....if pleasing your spouse doesn't do it for you, JUST GO AWAY, and get a divorce. Don't terrorize us any longer.

That's why this forum is so great. Look at all the great opinions, feedback and honesty. <br />
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Unfortunately, it's exactly that type of crap my husband and I discuss. There is no depth to our conversations. And it doesn't matter what came first the chicken or the egg; "there aint no intimacy here."

Honey? Is that you?

I love this story. However, I do not agree with everything. But I have listened myself into oblivion.

I'm more or less like Abashed (or was). We could actually have an interesting conversation up until the end, as long as it was on literature. We had stopped talking about my work so many years before that my one epiphany during our single counselling session came when I realized that she could not name a single one of my coworkers...even though I'd been in the same office for 16 years, and she had no clue where on the map it was located (she guessed the wrong town). She didn't demonstrate much interest in the kids, and she told me flat out that she didn't think talking about relationship issues would help. She did say that she had thought that she might reward me for a sufficiency of non-contentious conversation, but I felt by then that there was no chance that I could hold out that long, as the track record up to that point showed that 'sufficient' must have been at least six months. Anyway, we had no substantive communication left and I could never figure out what tricks I had to do to be thrown a fish...

Just one thing: it has nothing to do with gender.... I am a wife and, I feel the same way that you do, only towards my husband... well, not exactly the same, but I've been there. The non stop chatter drives me up a wall.<br />
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There are those of us who just don't "tolerate chit chat" all that well. Some of us don't tolerate the never ending analysis of our partner's feelings. And, some of us have innies and some have outies.

Very good post, I believe you are reacting to physical rejection by rejecting your wife emotionally, it's human nature; why should I listen to your mundane BS if you won't entertain having sex with me type scenario.<br />
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My situation started great, had kid, sex dried up, post-natal depression diagnosed (reason for no sex), worked hard at relationship, had second kid, post-natal depression again (obviously no expectancy of sex), wife feeling better, but still no sex, reached the point you described above about three years ago, I felt exactly the same way, sometimes all I could hear was blah, blah, blah.<br />
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Has anyone ever watched Scrubs? At times I felt like Dr Dorian, where he narrates to himself, I'd be listening to my wife and smiling, but inside I would be saying "shut up women, please shut up, I don't care because I don't even know who the hell these people are, you are boring me to death!!!", but I would pretend to listen and smile anyway, because I figured that if I didn't listen, then any glimmer of hope of intimacy would disappear.<br />
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Then, realising things were not getting better, we went to marriage counselling and communication courses (these were designed to fulfil my wife’s communication needs, she believed that was the reason for the lack of sex), so I went, I wanted our marriage to work, and I will be honest, I learned a lot! <br />
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I have grown to understand how important communication is to relationships, to share responsibilities, to share problems, to listen, then listen more, and it has really improved our relationship, we spend a lot of time talking these days, not about inane crap like we used to, but about life, our kids, our future and my wife seems much happier for it which is great, except for one small issue, there's still no sex?<br />
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So, while I understand where you are coming from, I would also say that you should learn to communicate, it's a good skill and makes a relationship more fulfilling if you can get past the everyday chit chat, I agree, that's BS is for her friends, work colleagues and family, but the real conversations are good for both partners, the sad thing is if one partner doesn't have a physical need or sex is redundant, in my experience no amount of talking is going to change that.<br />
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But again, thanks for the honesty in your post!

There's a lot of truth in what you say. If men didn't care about sex, then most of us wouldn't even bother with trying to deal with women. I suspect that the opposite is true, too, except that many women also need someone to support them (because otherwise they'd have to do it themselves or something horrible like that).<br />
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What you've described, though, is a relationship that's completely devoid of empathy in either direction. It may be that it went this way because her lack of sexual interest in you, or cause and effect might be reversed. No telling from this vantage.<br />
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It's possible that you worked your way into that kind of relationship because you don't know any better, it's possible you got into it because you can't do any better, but learning to avoid it might keep you out of it in the future. This isn't about being rude or ugly or non-pc, it's about your happiness.

lol. <br />
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But going back to your "role" in you sexless marriage: do you think your lack of...let's call it "empathy to ****-chat" played any role? I seriously doubt. <br />
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caffein addict - lmbo! same here! my h goes on and on and on sometimes about his work and I am about to explode....... I often fake an emergency just to get out of the room.<br />
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I am not big on small talk with my h and in general, I would rather have a conversation than a monologue. If I have anything to say about decorating, shopping, fashion, whatever it is merely to inform him what I plan to do and ask if he has any thoughts about it…his answer is 99% time “No” or “Whatever you want honey”, so I move on and give the guy a break. When he actually has an opinion, I move on even faster, it is worse than having no thoughts at all ;-)

Anyone who has had a gig at my initial story here knows what my "solution" has been to my situation. It might be worth your while having a look hardtobear.<br />
I think I might be a bit more empathetic than you with my "Financial Partner" but essentially, having surrendered the role of "husband" (the good bits AND the bad bits) and having replaced 'wife' with "financial partner", I have really, done much the same thing as you. For my part tho, I am happy to have a conversation with anyone any age anytime - even about bullshit, as long as said conversation is conducted civilly, preferably with a dash of humor. It ain't so hard to listen sometimes. And, being a 'reknown expert on women' lol !!! I reckon women sometimes just want to talk about a problem - and blokes often interperet what they hear as some obligation to "fix" the problem. I could well be wrong in this assertion tho. It is only an observation on my part.

I dont think this is ugly, you made me smile! I am sure my husband feels this way sometimes. I also feel that way when he is telling me all the details of tracking down a plumbing leak, or when he asks me if I think the heavy duty windshield wipers are worth the extra money, or describes step by step how he built something. Pluh-ez! Dont make me listen to that stuff. I care not one whit! But I do like that he knows stuff I don't, and takes care of a lot of details I ignore, so I listen to him, and occasionally tell him how smart he is, and how he has probably saved us "MILLIONS" over the years by being such a handy dandy Mr. Fixit. <br />
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Instead of saying she needs to either shut up or put out (OK I know you didn't say it exactly that way, but I am summarizing here) just admit what I did......it's a heck of a lot easier to overlook someone's faults (whatever they are) when you are getting laid!

LOL I thought this was how all men thought anyway!<br />
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What's ******* annoying is I don't discuss my day with my husband anymore but I listen to him talk about work constantly and there's no promise of sex at the end of it for me! I knew I was doing something wrong!