Giving It a Fair Try Or Bailing Out

I have been with my wife almost 15 years, married 7 (I am 39). Sex has always been on the low side, but with time it has become virtually inexistant. We do sometimes share a shower and touch each other, but full intercourse has been out of the relationship for a long time. For a while, internet has been a source of relief, but this is no longer something I am prepared to live with.

I have been consulting therapist (so does my wife). I learn so much about myself and what I desire in life and in a relationship, it feels like a revelation. The problem with this is that my personality has also started to change. Personally, I think for the better, but it makes me want to bail out of my relationship rather than work our issues.

In retrospect, I realise I have always been more invested in the relationship than my wife, I have always been the romantic of the couple and somewhat forgot about my own desires and needs in favour of hers. Our lifes are regulated by her desires, her movies, her activities and rarely mine. I feel like I share her life rather than both of us building one together.

Now the bubble has busted, status quo is the only unavailable option, everything else is possible. I think I want to give my relation a chance, and my wife assure me she will work on it but how much can a person change to accomodate the other, it feel unfair to ask for so much.

I do not know what to do, I do not know if I want to fix the relationship just to be "fair" and to be a "good guy" or if I really want to fix things.

these are very confusing times emotionnally

HappyTime11 HappyTime11
36-40, M
6 Responses Feb 13, 2009

Thanks all for your words of support, I wrote this story almost 3 years ago, amazing how much time has passed. I will try to spend some time later and post a story or two again in EP. I have been more of a reader lately.

Sounds like how my marriage was before I decided to leave. Almost exactly.
It's been hard, no doubt. But I am happy. Very.
Being single again isn't always fun.
I think it is far better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like you are.
Way way way more sex. :)))))
Stay being nice, though. Some of us love that. Good luck.

I agree, it's better to be alone than with a person that make you feel sad. I wish I could say the same about the sex, but for me life has remained a bit dry on that front in the past 3 years... but this is another story.

Please tell it from your perspective.
Oh, how I love a good story!

Do you have children? If you don't, you have more options than the rest of us who do.<br />
It won't be any easier the longer you wait.

I am separated from my husband now after 12.5 years of living in a sexless loveless marriage. God knows I love the man, but I feel a lot like you do. He wants me to keep trying and working on our marriage.<br />
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It's a tough choice to make. I hope you figure it out and get through this.

hey happy i to share the life that you do, reading your comments i want you to know i share your pain. i wish the best for you.

This is such a sad situation for you to be in and yet you will find it is very common on this forum. There are as many stores as there are members, but we all have in common our frustration and our confusion.<br />
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I wish I could tell you that all you have to do is "xyz" and you relationship will be fixed, but as you know, it is never as easy as that.<br />
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One of the saddest things about sexless marriages seems to be how rarely they are "fixed". It is wonderfuul your wife wants to work at your relationship but there are 2 big "buts" in this . . .<br />
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the first is that your wife may try to match your need for sex but she will be unlikely to be able to maintain this long term if it is not part of her true nature<br />
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the second is that you are evolving into a person for whom this relationship no longer seems to be the fulfillment of what yo want.<br />
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If you cannot wholeheartedly enter into the process of reclaiming your marriage, you might be wiser to consider moving on. . . but I know how hard it is to KNOW if this is what you truly want.<br />
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Perhaps you could set a time period in which you will give the relationship your entire and undivided attention (say 3 months?) and then review the situation at that time. If things are still not going well or if you continue to feel uncertain, you may need to take the next step.<br />
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Whatever you decide, you have my every best wish.