Never Had Sex....

My husband and I dated for 4 years before we married.  We never had sex during that time, and since we got married last year, we still haven't had sex.  He has ED due to his diabetes, but when the doctor gave him the prescription for Cialis, he refused to get it filled!  He said that it was too expensive.  I am so angry, because when we decided to get married he promised me he would either get the problem fixed or get the drugs to help it.  He has done neither.  He says that he's just not used to sexual activity and so he doesn't want to engage in it.  He assures me that it is not because he's not attracted to me.  It is so embarrassing for me to ask for sexual activity that I stopped asking for it.  Now he only engages in intimacy if he is drunk, which he shouldn't be since he's diabetic.  Since getting married we have been intimate 4 times, and none of those times has included actual sex.  Am I doomed to a sexless marriage, or is there hope?  It is sometimes so depressing I have to seek counseling, and the counselor says I've done everything right, it's in my husband's hands now.  But if I leave him, I know it will be so painful for both of us.  I guess I'm just happy that I'm not the only one living this kind of life now.

VyletteWanda VyletteWanda
36-40, F
15 Responses Feb 13, 2009

Well, I posted this story about a year ago... things still haven't changed. He lost his job in September and I felt like I couldn't leave him while he struggled financially. I was able to keep us afloat until he found a job last month. We are back where we started. I did tell him how I felt and that our marriage was going nowhere and that I have done all I could to help him and he has to help himself now.<br />
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I don't know what to do, so I do nothing. I now hate myself and my life. I want out... all the way out. It is all I can do to keep from pulling the trigger. I am hoping counseling will help.

An attorney has advised that divorce would be quicker and cheaper than an anullment, so I probably would do that. I really love my husband and I want to work this out if at all possible. However, if things don't change by September, I will leave him. It isn't fair to either of us.

How about this? You aren't really married yet. Even in our 21st century world, until you have sex within the marriage, you ain't married. An anulment can be had with no problem. I suggest you acquire one and leave this dude to figure out his problem.

One more thing. Like most healthy women, you most likely will want a child, and you sound like a nice lady that would be a committed mother.<br />
I don't know how old you are, but by 40, you will be consumed with this, innate, hormonal function, and you will know depression like you have never imagined, if you don't have one.<br />
And you are not going to have one with "Mr. sits on his *** in front of computer", unless you spend Thousands on the in vitro.

GEEZ unlike the rest of us who were fooled with the bait and switch YEARS ago, and have kids, you have choices and options. Most of don't.<br />
Don't you get it? Dating and the early years are the ONLY fun times.<br />
Oh he will change alright, Change for the worst that is.<br />
The first time you get with a healthy male, you will forget all about what little you think you feel for him/her.<br />
Pull the trigger!!!

I am so sorry for you. Your husband is not going to change... you do know this, I hope.<br />
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You deserve to leave him, and find a guy that is right for you to share all repeat ALL of life with... and that means sex. <br />
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I think everyone should just lay out their sexual needs and wants and expectations right away. No sense wasting a minute more on a dead end relationship due to sexual incompatibilities. Sure it might seem shocking to some, but if you have gone through a marriage to someone that acts like sex is the worst thing in the world, they'd understand.

I just re-read your story and everyone's comments.<br />
Your marriage is based upon NEVER having had sex with him and you were only intimate 4 times, which didn't include intercourse?<br />
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You would benefit be continuing to see a counselor or therapist. You would benefit by unraveling useless baggage in your head before you will be able to see the marriage situation you have, for what it is.<br />
Because you LOVE YOUR HUSBAND .. he will be able to manipulate you into thinking, through no fault of his own, sex is not important in this relationship because of his ED, expense of the pills, that he's just not use to having sex, etc. <br />
You have to look in the mirror and promise yourself that you will take care of the life you have been entrusted with ... yours ....!!! Be good to yourself...<br />
Blessings, Eileen

I total agree with hiside he did not full fill his duty as a spouse !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have only been married for 8 months. I've decided to give him a year before I make any decisions, but I think that an anullment is where this is heading.

@ zorbas: No, I didn't think I could change him. I just laid some ground rules down, (i.e.: get the little blue pill or some sort of equivalent) and he agreed to them. He did not keep his end of the bargain. I don't know what else to do. I truly love my husband but now I feel he didn't want a wife, he wanted someone to mother him. I clean and cook and he plays on the computer. It is most unfortunate and I should stick up for myself more. I just don't want to make him feel bad because he can't help the fact that he cannot have sex without help. I even told him that he can get one pill at a time, so it's not so much money all at once, but we keep getting set back so that we cannot get the prescription now.

It seems he has not kept his end of the contract. <br />
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Unfortunately, he needs to be made aware that his unkept marital promiss has consequences. He must go get counseling.<br />
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In my mind you married him and he did not marry you.<br />
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It reminds me of the saying "My wife is married, but I am not"

It is obviously not a marriage in the classic sense. Sex and intimacy ,one in the same to me, are absolutely necessary to sustain a loving arrangement. This is a charade and unless you solve this deficiency I fear for your future.<br />
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I am amazed at the fact that he realizes his problem and will not resolve it. Yes, the medications are expensive but so is divorce in terms of money and emotional expenditure.<br />
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While you knew up front of his dysfunction you still went forward with the marriage and now more is the pity. Did you think that you may change him? People seldom can be made to change.<br />
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You do seem to have a great affection for this man now but if this continues I can almost guarantee that this will die in the future. <br />
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In fact I fail to see a happy future for you in this matter if this continues. If you stay you will be condeming yourself to living the most difficult life imaginable.<br />
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I hope that he can ultimately see the light and do what needs to be done for you.

I feel 4 U . Any way I can help from here I will try !!!!

Well, he does things for me, and we have a toy, but it is so rare that we use these methods, it is depressing.

That is a shame . He could at least buy a ******* and lay on his back and let U climb aboard . There so many things he could 4 U . Hands Fingers Tongue Ect.