Lostinmyheart Part Deux!!!!!

hello all its me scotty again. as i wrote before i came from a pretty much sexless marriage. i got to experience sex maybe 6 times in my life so far. im 30 now so.............yeah!

my wife stopped having sex with me right when we found out that she was pregnant. that was back in 2000. not having sex while she was pregnant was my idea. i wasnt afraid or nothing i just wanted to take that extra precaution is all and also didnt want to have to worry about pleasin me while carrying around a ( package that cant be delivered yet ) lol. during her pregnancy i bought her lots of fruits and veggies and had her eat lots of healthiness like that. you see, im a little fat and so is my wife. i was terribly worried my son was gonna turn out the same as me so thats why i was anal about my wife eating really healthy while pregnant. i was so joyfully pleased when my son was born and then watchin him grow like he has all the while staying skinny and healthy.

well after my wife gave birth i thought things would be back to normal again as far as our sex life would go. boy was i wrong. i understood about the decrease in sexual drive cause of birth and all but its like she never got it back or something. ever since she was pregnant we havent had sex at all. it has been about 9 years for me now and thats NOT counting the 6 years in junior high and high school either. so all together its really been 15 years for me with no sex.

my wife and i are seperated now and i have a gf now as well. my wife and i havent talked about divorce yet but i know inside that its unavoidable. my gf is "interesting" in her own ways as well. sometimes i find myself thinking that my wife and gf are alot alike. they both have problems and those problems have zeroed their sites in on me as far as their destructive ability is concerned. cause the fact that they have problems is why i havent had any sex or any affection from them or with them at all. pretty much right now im feeling like an empty bag. just a worthless old bag that no one wants or will use so it just lays there in a dark corner. only my inner thoughts and feelings are the only comfort, however uncomfortable they might be, i have right now.

my gf says im depressed and i would prolly have to agree with her on that one. losing my wife and the way that the last 6 years of our marriage went down the drain like it did really did put me in a depression that i cant get out of.

my gf suffers from depression and social anxiety. i understand what those terms mean but i am always so deprived of love and affection that i find myself verbally attacking my gf at times telling her that she can show me love and affection without it being sex its just that i feel that she is afraid to do anything with me cause she thinks that anything we do will just lead to sex. she tells me that cause of her "problems" that she cant do affectionate things with me. she tells me that another reason for not wanting sex is cause she doesnt feel the need for it. in another words she has no sex drive as far as i can tell. the funny thing is tho that the bf she had right before me she told me that he would ask her for sex and she would give it to him. she also told me that he has been the only one to ever get her excited. when i ask her all i get is a verbal cold shower and feel like im being wipped all the way to the dog house. we have fought several times about this and get no where. i end up having to give in and be the one to say all the sweet nice things to make her feel better and make her happy while i feel like nothing. dont get me wrong i do love her its just that i wish there was some kind of compromise that can be reached. every time we talk or fight about it its always the same. it ends up being that i should give up and she shouldnt give me anything. i lay at night crying myself to sleep cause i feel so lonely and unloved.

the common uses of affection that most ppl take for granted every day i cant get from my gf. i cant cuddle with her. cuddling with her like at night when we sleeping she says makes her feel trapped and she cant sleep. i cant make out with her and im not sure why either. i cant take a shower with her cause she says taking showers together leads to sex.

pretty much the only things i can do are quick kisses on the lips and holding hands every now and then. im just at the point where i dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to kick her out or nothing like that. i just wish she would try alot harder to find a way to make me happy the way i need it. i dont really need the sex but if i could just get some affection like i need and want i would be happy as a kid with a puppy on christmas.

im just about at my ends here. just dont know what else i can do. i like being with her and i do love her i just wish things would change is all.

tell me what yall think about this. email me or just post a comment ok. i hope to hear lots of feedback from you all soon. ty for reading my story and sorry for it being so long.

lostinmyheart lostinmyheart
26-30, M
3 Responses Feb 13, 2009

Great advice given here for your situation.<br />
I wish there was a place like this when I was younger.<br />
Unfortunately there were a lot of things that nobody talked about, including sex and relationships.<br />
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I have found that the majority of people don't really change, they just get older. I thought that once I was married that sex was going to be a given ... wrong!!<br />
Now it's an issue that causes such heartache. Nobody wants to stop being married unless it's harming them emotionally or physically. This is a reality that you are faced with .... don't repeat the past. <br />
Blessings for better days ahead

Yes - very wise answers above. And if you think we are preaching to you, remember that our knowledge is from hard won experience. Believe me, I was very similar to you.<br />
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I grew up in a family where my mother had serious emotional needs and I learnt from a very early age to please others. Of course I didn't KNOW that was what I'd learnt!!<br />
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So when I became involved in adult relationships, I took my "pleasing" skills into them - and was rewarded by having relationships with "emotionally needy" people!<br />
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It took me most of my adult life (I'm 57) to realise this - and by now, some choices are no longer available to me.<br />
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You are so very young (not yet 30) and you have your whole life ahead of you. My advice is to break off from your girl friend - she may be a lovely person but she is WAY too needy for you - you will only continue to bring each other unhappiness.<br />
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Spend some time learning to really know and understand yourself - through counselling and through beiing by yourself for a while. Being alone lets you reflect on what you really want and need from life; what you can offer others - and even more importantly what you can NOT offer others.<br />
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Spend time with your child - this is a wonderful way to learn about yourself and others.<br />
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If time allows, volunteer for a charity or organisation that does work for those less fortunate. Helping others is a great way to learn about both ourselves and others.<br />
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Keep in your mind this thought at all times: I am a worthwhile good person who deserves happiness and a fulfilled life. I do not have to accept only parts of that - I can work on having it all!<br />
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The very best of luck to you.

Learn to love yourself before you try to love others. You seem to have a certain lack of understanding your own worth to continually seek out the needy personalities with whom you engage yourself . You, I believe are much too accomodatiing in an effort to get love in response and this merely works against you. <br />
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I know it is difficult to change one's atitude over night but only you can step up and do it. You got to realize that you have worth and are valuable if you are to continue aiding these poor women you are in a relationship with. Also remember that your boy will need a strong figure to emulate as he grows into manhood. Be that figure.<br />
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There is an ols adgae that animal can smell fear in people I feel that others can find weakness in others in somewaht the same way and then in turn use it against them,.