To Be Or Not to Be...

I have been married for 3.5 years and we've been together for 6. On our first date I invited him back to my place and after several hours of getting to know you, I ******** naked in front of him and said I was going to bed. When he got naked and snuggled with me all night (no sex) I should have known. When we were dating we never really had sex as much as I wanted to, but it was enough. Until we got married. We traveled for three weeks in Europe on our honeymoon and never had sex and it's just gone downhill from there.

For the last three years I've been feeling unattractive, unloved, not sexy, not good enough, like the problem was mine. We started going to counseling but it wasn't changing anything. I was so tired of feeling hurt and worthless. I asked my husband what kinds of things I did that made him feel like he was loved, and he said, "When you do my laundry." So I had an affair. A one time thing and I got caught. I was so scared of losing him, and him of losing me, that for a month things were amazing.

I love my husband so very, very much. I never wanted to be with anyone else - I still don't want anyone else. But he doesn't want me. After the affair I fooled myself into believing that things were better now, that we could have the children we'd always wanted. When the sex stopped again I told myself that that was the sacrifice that I would have to make to be married to him. He's my best friend and I know he'll be a great father and I want so badly to be happy with what we have.

But I'm not. I am so profoundly sad. Having kids with this man would be a mistake. I love our life, I love our families, I would stay in a heartbeat if I had any hope that things would change. But I don't think they will.

It's so difficult to talk about this to my friends and family. I don't want to embarrass my husband, I don't want to seem like a failure, and I don't want to divorce. I'm so sad and lonely though. I just feel stuck.

Thank you for listening.

m

deleted deleted
26-30
14 Responses Feb 13, 2009

I can kind of sympathise here...except the reverse. I have been married for 2 years, and the ONLY connection my husband and I have is in the bedroom. Other than that, I am ignored, belittled, disrespected. And, what's worse is that we have a kid together. Get out before you have a child with him. <br />
<br />
-Anna

tell him you want more sex, approach him. Some men get turned on by that. tell him your needs he is not a mind reader. there are plenty men out there who want heaps of sex kids and would love to marry you but you have limiting believes. dont settle for unhappiness you can have what ever you want in this life just ask for it.

Maybe I didn't pay attention, but did you say he has any interest in having a child?<br />
<br />
Let me just tell you one thing. When a gal is feeling the pressure of her biological clock, and her hubby agrees to trying for kids, he has to be able to perform on cue according to her ovulation schedule at least 4 days in a row.<br />
This can become an annoying task even for a man-***** like myself. It can create resentment, and open up a whole new world of argument like you have never never experienced before.<br />
It doesn't sound like he is a candidate for that task unless you do in vitro (sp?), and he can be your friend that you raise kids with.

How old are you? I think it is very important that if you want to have kids you get a partner who can really provide what you as a human being deserve. Intimacy should never be begged for and passion is something you cannot instill into anyone. I'm on your same shoes and am olny waiting to find the right words to convey all that's on my mind to my wife in the least hurtful way.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

Super,<br />
It seems you can not have it both ways. You said he was horny when he found out about your proclivaties?<br />
I wonder why? There is a situation called dominate reproduction, whereby females have sex with other males to entice the roosting male to have more sex.<br />
<br />
I think it happens with birds and monkeys.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I wonder have you talked about his sexuality?<br />
He has clearly not been honest with himself in these matters. As a result he can not be honest with you. Maybe he is afraid of himself? It happens. <br />
<br />
Just trying to help you sort it out.

Just as JRSK said, don't wait and hope it will change, because the signs are right in front of you. If you have children, then you will become somewhat trapped, just like so many of us have, myself included. I would have left years ago, if not for my son. But I finally came to the realization that I deserve to be happy, and I will always be there for him no matter what. So a divorce is not such a bad option, no matter how long you've been together. You need to be selfless towards yourself, and move on. Don't be afraid, it will all be O.K.

supercoolm, You must take a deep inner look at what it is that will make you entirely happy and complete. From what you say, you want the whole package, just as all of us do. I agree that bringing a child into an environment where no real affection is showed, can be devastating to an infant, and when they grow up. If it is not fostered, children quickly feel resentful and end up on the wrong side of the tracks. As adults we often suppress our feelings of frustration, sadness, etc, while a child shows us there true feelings. I would say don't get pregnant, and spare a child such anguish. Your already suffering enough, without taking on the pain of two human beings at once. Yes you love your husband, but there is also a famous song with this line that makes so much sense " Sometimes love, just, Ain't enough" . To be truly happy, all of us need to feel the love from all arenas of life;<br />
compassion, desire, love, honesty, understanding, appreciation and most of all communication. When one person in a relationship won't communicate in a loving way, it becomes like a rose that dies soon after it blooms. Without the proper nourishment it cannot last forever. Go be free again, and you have youth on your side. Take it one day at a time. Your prayers will be answered one day, and the sun will shine brightly on your horizon, in a relationship you can be truly proud of being in. I wish you all the best!

I could be you... except that my wife and I had a child... and then not only did I find that I couldn't leave my wife, I certainly couldn't leave my child. <br />
<br />
I really understand how it is that you can love someone, even if that person can't express love back to you the way you want it expressed- through sex. I know the agony of wanting what every person has the right to, you want sex from the person who is suppose to be your life partner...<br />
<br />
Well it's not your fault and no real reflection on you that your DH has this problem of no sex life. <br />
<br />
You tried the affair route... but you got caught... because it's almost impossible to not get caught. Maybe you secretly thought if he knew about the affair it might kick him into gear. I don't know... <br />
<br />
But here you are, you want a sex life, and you want to not have to leave your man. It sucks I know.<br />
<br />
I'm like a crazy man myself.<br />
<br />
james

supercoolm... I do apologize and there is no excuse for me being as harsh as I was when discussing a matter as sensitive as yours. <br />
<br />
My concerns are prompted only because there will be no foreseeable resolution possible if your situation if it continues as it is. <br />
<br />
It is of course, in the finall anaylsis, your call. I do not profess to be smart but merely a product of years of experience in matters concerning my own ill suited marriage and other ill suited marriages of many friends and acquaintances. <br />
<br />
Again, I am sorry I was appeared rash in my comments. i and I do sincerely hope that you find a way to survive.

There is little more that can be said here except that I for one cannot understand why you walked into this stiuation as blindly as you did. The warning signs with respect to sex were apparent from the very beginning of your relationship. Did you think at any point it could have measureaably improved or did you think that you would change him?. It seldom happens and is a classic mistake made by many of us.<br />
<br />
I do not wish to sound unduly harsh here but many of us here , in the same situation now, had no warning up front of how our lives sexualy would turn out. You fortunately had more than enough.<br />
<br />
You profess a great love for him and that may be true now but you have had one affair already,you have a strong sexual appetite and I suspect you may have more if this situation continues. <br />
<br />
I cannot see how this love can sustain itself if your frustrations, you clearly show here, continue unabated or you remain unsatisfied <br />
<br />
If you stay in this marraige , which you seem convinced to do. Please don't have children to be raised in an environment that is precariously unstable emotionally.<br />
<br />
Again , I appologize for seeming harsh but there is so much unhappiness here that could have been avoided .<br />
<br />
I do wish you both well in resolving this, but frankly I cannot see how it will be done.

You recognized that the marriage wasn't based on a sexual relationship from the first night you spent sleeping together with no sex. Enna30 above, told you that life is not a dress rehearsal .. you get one chance to do it right.. at your age life will seem to go forever. Take it from some of us here, this too shall pass.<br><br />
And please re-read your last paragraph:<br><br />
<br><br />
It's so difficult to talk about this to my friends and family<br><br />
I don't want to embarrass my husband,<br><br />
I don't want to seem like a failure, and<br><br />
I don't want to divorce.<br><br />
I'm so sad and lonely though. I just feel stuck.<br><br />
<br><br />
Listen to what you are saying `` you have a lot of rules and regulations on what you don't want and that is good to know, but what do you want? Until you find what makes you happy, sadness and loneliness come in the door and you are stuck. <br><br />
<br><br />
Being Friends is wonderful, however, you guys are married and share all the benefits and blessings of a loving union.

U did what U should have done , Kick the peace of crap 2 the curb !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Supercoolm,<br />
<br />
From reading your post I think your main worry is that you're in love with them and don't want to leave them, but feel that it is necessary.<br />
<br />
The only thing i wanted to say doesn't really deal with that, but is just a point that may or may not also be playing a factor in your decision. You may be thinking - "But we're married and I have to stay with who I'm married". The point I would like to make is that if your spouse doesn't want sex (for whatever reason) then this is not a marriage in fact, and would probably allow it to be recognised and annulled (different from a divorce). An annullment is a recognition that there was no marriage from the outset, and one of the reasons for an annullment is when a couple (or one of them) doesn't intend to have sex and thus children.<br />
<br />
Not sure if this was ever an issue for you, but thought i would mention it.

Dear Supercoolm,<br />
Sadly I must agree with you. This is not a marriage - and staying in it will only bring you the worst kind of heartache. You deserve SO much more.<br />
<br />
I truly understand the distress you feel - I'm in a similar situation but mine is MUCH longer and I know now I should have left YEARS ago.<br />
<br />
DON'T fall into the same trap. Despite all the distress and unhappiness a divorce will bring, it will ultimately free yo to have a real life and a true relationship - and kids if you want them.<br />
<br />
Be brave and end it now. You have a right to real happiness - remember: life is not a dress rehearsal - we don't get another chance to "do it right"!!<br />
<br />
Every best wish.