Romantic Day For the Romantic-less

It is Friday night, the thirteenth. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I have arrived home and have prepared nothing for my wife for tomorrow. Valentine's Day is for romance and for the last 22 years I have always prepared some special gifts or events for my beautiful wife. I have done this faithfully even though for the last eight years there has been no romance, none. I geuss this year I am just too exhausted from carrying the torch for all these years with no one to share the burden, the joy, the work, the pleasure, the intimacy. I just couldn't motivate myself, I couldn't pretend again.

This is all too sad for me. Too many great memories clouded by things like the day I found all of the lingerie I had bought for my wife (for us really), more than a thousand dollars worth of pretty, expensive, feminine things, in a black garbage bag put out for me to take to the dump. I remember asking her "What were you thinking as you cleaned out your drawer? Were you thinking "Thank God I don't have to sleep with him anymore?" Did you think to yourself you were going to permanently shut me off? What were you thinking?" We had been married nine years and 8 months when that happened. Yet for the last 12 years I have faithfully fretted over what nice things I could do for her for Valentine's Day, even though all hope of any romance has long since passed.

But this year is different. I don't want to hurt her, insult her, or cause her any pain because in spite of it all, I still love her, a lot. But what should I do? There is no romantic day for us. The most romantic moment over the last ten years was a night last October when after dinner with some friends we stopped to gas up the car. She leaned over after I had turned the ignition off and was about to get out of the car and she kissed me. She actually kissed me on the mouth, an open mouthed kiss, the first one in over eight years. It was very fleeting, over in a second and it stunned me. I said something really stupid, but honest, when I stammered "It has been so long, I forgot how to kiss you." And that was that. The end of the only kiss I have experienced since I was 44 years old; I am now 52.

So all week I have been thinking, worrying, stressing over what to do this year for the romantic holiday. And all week I have been unable to do anything. I know tommorrow morning I will be in another panic, feel terrible that I have nothing for her and have made no plans. I'll figure something out and quickly get something together so I don't hurt her. But for heaven's sake, there is no romance and this quasi-holiday is for the romantic. The romantic life I once knew is long ago gone and dead. There is no reviving the dead after all these years.

So I am sorry, my beautiful wife, there are no roses, there are no dinner reservations, there is no jewelry hidden under the pillow of our morning bed, there are no plans for you, there are no surprises, except perhaps the fact there are no surprises. I am sorry, you deserve more, but this year, I guess I have felt that perhaps I do too.

hardtobear hardtobear
17 Responses Feb 13, 2009

So, has it been three years since she's binned all the lingerie???<br />
<br />
It sounds so painful, and yet it seems you have no plans to change the situation? Is that right?

Hi Bear: Glad you are well, but sorry you are still in purgatory.<br />
<br />
I think you're very pet-able.<br />
<br />
And I can't think of anything more cruel to say to someone than "I hate the way you make love to me". <br />
<br />
I'm really, really sorry, friend.<br />
<br />

Still here, still no plans, living in purgatory.

It has been three years since I posted this and nothing has changed. I thought it appropriate to repost. Well, one thing has changed, my wife told me she hated the way I made love to her. Hmm, more info...too much I think.

Do you plan on staying still, or leaving?

I just read this now. You lost me with that comment that your wife has not kissed you in 8 years! OMG, sounds so unfair. I want to kiss you! What is her reason? Besides feeling for you this is depressing for me too, thinking I could have married someone "willing and able" like you.

Hi,<br />
<br />
Well, I have been married for just two years and I never got flowers or chocolates or romantic dinners or anything from my husband for valentines, or my birthday or anything....<br />
<br />
I get sex about about once every two months.<br />
<br />
I feel for you ....

Last 5 years, as our marriage started going downhill, I still got some flowers, or candy. Oh, last year, he gave his daughter a Large box of candy, and I got a Small box of candy........He said, "You got the small box, because it costs more." This year, I got nothing....I was waiting for even just a "Happy Valentines Day".... but didn't hear that either, I didn't say it either....cause, of course, it wasn't "Happy." This story wants to make me want to cry, and it is beautifully written, expressed. How romantic that is, in itself. I don't think you're wife realizes how lucky she is. Hey, "Happy Belated Valentines Day to all of us here on this site.!!!" Love and Kisses to all.........................................................

I got a card for my husband... It sang "I'm too sexy for my..." And at the bottom it said something along the lines of "It's me that's too sexy..."<br />
I wrote "See what you're missing..."<br />
He read it, smiled and dropped it on the counter.<br />
Unaccoutably, I felt like a ****...

For the last eight years my sex life has amounted to maybe if we are lucky 6 times a year. I thought that since I have been the "one" causing this unfortunate situation that I who never go out on the "sexy" limb get a little black silk bag with 52 cards for fun sex ideas. Hmmm that got I have no idea what to do with this and his continual typing on the computer. <br />
<br />
Well I left the room and left him in the dark because we obviously are both in the dark with no idea how to find that content loving feeling again

Type your comment here...

Out of Morbid curiosity, would you share what her response was?<br />
It could be a learning tool for all for next year.

I couldn't agree with you more. As a matter of fact I didn't get anything for my wife either. We've been married for a little over four years but never really bonded, I guess due to very scarce sex. In the last 18 months we've had sex only once. I usually get her some flowers and a nice card, but lately it's been increasingly hard to find a card that doesn't convey a feeling that is no longer there. It is painful to think I'm going to have to run in pursuit of the happiness that I've been denied at her side.

I agree with other poster.<br />
You should send that last paragraph to Hallmark.<br />
Amongst the other catagories in the store(to mom, daughter, grandaparent, etc..), they could place it under" frigid, miserable, ****, spouse.

Dude,<br />
Cut and past your last two paragraphs. Print it out and give it to her in a card. Tell her the truth about you. <br />
This will be the VD gift.

Me too...... For the first time I have no gifts or cards for my wife for tomorrow. It has been lost for a very long time and I have to take my first step in changing the situation. We never talk about sex.... I mean never. Tomorrow I will be caring and loving and bring up the fact that we are in a marriage of convenience and that it has held us together but there must be more in life for us. We shall see if I can do it in a loving respectful way. I am thinking that Valentines Day is like Christmas. After you realize that there is no Santa the joy subsides.<br />

I wish my husband was as devoted to me as you are devoted to her.<br />
<br />
seems to always work out like this.<br />
<br />
love so stinks!

Yes, you do deserve more. You both deserve more<br />
22 years is a long time with one person and I am sure you love her as much as I love him, whom I married 40 years ago.<br />
<br />
It is sad, and Valentine's Day brings it out in the open for all of us loveless souls. If you posted here, you are living a marriage that is either sexless or close to it. That is a sad thing to admit. <br />
Nobody wants to hurt their spouse ... we all wish we were able to be spontaneous with our spouses.. Boy did I learn my lesson last week .. have you read my chocolate drizzle story .. it takes the cake!<br />
I am keeping a trip we had planned to Lancaster, Amish Country in PA because we do like each other and I want to go ... even after our fight and his insult. Why punish myself more and stay home and watch him watching TV.. makes no sense... <br />
Love and Live and Be True to Yourself<br />
You Seem to have taken the first step and...<br />
Don't Feel Guilty .. this is not your fault or hers,,,, it just is the chemistry of your marriage, like many of ours here.