Games People Play In Marriage

What has happened to these sexless marriages?  Our marriages?
Time to stop playing the head games
Why should it be so difficult to just get a little love and hugging?

I'm not asking for the whole package every time -- I desire physical contact and not just during designated sex time, (by him) .... why is that so hard to understand?

So many marriage partners are just running circles around each other ...
Last Friday nite I had a fierce fight with my husband, over sex.
It was a comment I made that he found "repulsive" having to do with chocolate and drizzling it over me ... . he insists it was inappropriate for me to talk like a prostitute to my husband.  He has further insulted me by now telling me that he reacted that way because we weren't in the bedroom, fully engaged in the sex act.  In the heat of the moment it would have been OK, he said.  But just to come out and suggest such an act, when we were sitting on the couch, (I had been trying to turn him on BTW .... touching, etc... and when he asked if I would like Valentine's Day Chocolate, I said what I said ... and don't regret it .. what would have been a pleasantry turned into me having to leave the house before I threw too much furniture at him. ) 

I don't know how these rules and regulations came about, but it must have been when I had my head up my ***.  How absurd ...  my spouse has separated sexuality from his TV set, his kitchen (yeah, he cooks, it's his), and any other place that is not "The Bedroom".  This is after a 40 year marriage .... he has designated "The Bedroom" as the place to have sex.... when did this happen???

So what does he do this afternoon ... he asked for a haircut, which I gave him and we had an hour of foreplay that led to nothing ... BTW he has ED with no RX .. but does have a Dr. apt. this week and the only time he feels sexy is when there is anything going on that has to do with hair .. cutting, dying ... you name it .. so it wasn't unusual or unexpected. 

I am so tired of this so depressed about what we have turned into.

Before I turn into a complete ***** I have to consider life without him.

This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. 

And it comes down not only to the sex, but to the controlling personality that has to be in charge of everything, including me and what I say, when I say it and now where I say it...

Sometimes the fog lifts and we can see the stars.  I don't want to play any more games and I don't want to be insulted for wanting to express my sexuality.  I want to have a loving relationship.... and hope it's not too late.

I don't want to play anymore .. can I go home now?

reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
5 Responses Feb 13, 2009

It is never too late. A friend of mine was telling me a story this weekend about another friend. She is 69 and just married an 81 year old. They are horny, lusty and still doing the dirty at their young ages. WOOOHOO!<br />
<br />
Do what you need to. Life gets shorter every day. <br />
<br />
My husband and yours can maybe become roomies. . .LOL

Dear Reflections,<br />
<br />
What a sad day for you. Your husband's reaction to your sexy statement is probably bound up in his own feelings of inadequacy about sex rather than a genuine response of disgust - but just because he is projecting doesn't make it any easier to bear.<br />
<br />
You are entitled to what you want and need. I suspect the control issue is as important as the "no sex" issue, at least some of the time.<br />
<br />
My DH is also a controller and I find the need to be constantly vigilant to prevent him literally "taking over" my life is exhausting. I also HATE the way it positions us as adversaries all the time - I don't want to "win" against my husband! I didn't get married to be in a contest!!<br />
<br />
It is not too late for the kind of relationship you want. And just think! because of the things you have been through you can clearly see exactly what you DO and DO NOt want in a relationship. To quote an old song:<br />
<br />
"I can see clearly now the rain has gone"!!<br />
<br />
My heartfelt wishes are with you.

How is the furniture holding up? Just kidding - you said something about funiture ballistics earlier. A fine science I might add for those in the tossing mood.<br />
<br />
Anyway, it seem you have uncovered a new truth. CONTROL. Sex is all about letting go of control and trusting the other person. It seems there may be a theme here.<br />
I do not recall if you have sought the counseling angle. If not, maybe? <br />
I guess try to imagine your life without him. I mean really imagine it. If it is appealing is there a way for you to disappear for a while. During you absence Mr. Control freak may become lonesome and be faced with his short cummings (pun intended)<br />
<br />
Look on the bright side. At least you had some foreplay today. The only foreplay I get is when I schedule a T time at the local golf course.

It's not your fault.<br />
<br />
Your husband has sexual hang ups... basically you and him are mismatched. I feel sorry for him that he is missing out on you, who is obviously a sexual delight. How I long to have a wife that would do as you did... god what a turn on to have such an act suggested... your husband is such a wound up twit. (sorry, but he is). <br />
<br />
You should hear everything my wife has accused be of being just because I want to have a sex life...<br />
<br />
hugs,<br />
james

I love that comment "sometimes the fog lifts and we see the stars." It is so apropos and should apply to many of us here. We are suddenly able to see a better way to change our lives, now it only takes the courage to do it. That of course is the tougher part.<br />
<br />
I hope you take that route, you seem so upset now and you have my sympathy.