Frustrations

The title perhaps on first view may be taken for frustration of a sexual nature. It is and it isn't . It has all to do with is particular thread.

Let me explain a bit further if I may. It has been a month since I first arrvived on the  scene and since that time have found a cadre of delightful,  bright and talented persons all suffering unfortunately in marriages not exactly to their liking. It was great to be among those suffering the same miseries.

The frustrations I am refering to is that a vast majority of the stories coming here daily are from persons who already know the answers to their marital problems  and know what should be done to correct them. I have found myself  pontificating views to persons who already have consulted shrinks , counselors and the like  and have the answers. All they need do is implement them. If coming here is simply to vent  than it is all well and good . To come with answers to their problems in hand then asking for answers is only for affirmation and a game of  joust with a windmill.

I know this seems unduly harsh and I have been chastized already by a few  and for that I profoundly apologize . However, using this as a platform where we can honestly help someone by our experience to effectively change a situation we fall far of the  mark . This is the source of my greatest frustration..

It has been a good stay and I will drop in to converse with my particular friends.

zorbas zorbas
56-60, M
11 Responses Feb 13, 2009

Oh Zorbas, I've only been here a week and you've already helped me. I know some of the answers, but I can't always make up my mind...counselors/therapists don't give you answers (at least good ones don't) they help lead you to your own. I agree with what everyone above said... Peer feedback is all part of the process. It's heady and confusing. The ob<x>jectivity of others like yourself helps ferret things out.<br />
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Please don't go.

Sometimes, honey, we know the answers but cannot face them. I have by turns been sure of staying and sure of leaving. I know that my marriage is broken and unfixable. I know I have no chance at happiness if I stay but I have not yet been convinced I have a chance of happiness if I go either.<br />
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My crystal ball is broken and my Magic 8 Ball tells me to "Concentrate and Ask Again Later".<br />
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Forgive us who vasillate or "know" the answers but fail to act. My heart is too broken to trust and my judgement too untrustworthy -- after all, I trusted it and it got me here.

Har har, KFChik, That's always the prescription, isn't it? ;)

Dear Z: I would be heart broken if you left us. Please don't take on the burdens of all of us. We all just need a place to vent, to unload, to feel safe, to feel not so alone, to make friends who are suffering in the same life situation, and to help whenever possible. That's all anyone can do.<br />
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Maybe what you need is to get L*&d. . . LOL.<br />
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We love you.

Solution to your problem Zorbas! So much said by other posters which makes good sense . . so don't comment at all - just cut and paste what others have said that reflect your own thoughts on the matter. See example below!! :) :)<br />
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QUOTES from previous posters:<br />
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I know I've msgd you privately, I dare say many contributers have too. Maybe we overloaded you. For my part in that I apologise.<br />
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"a game of joust with a windmill" -- too funny, great analogy, zorbas.<br />
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Each of us offers a unique viewpoint, and everyone here has been very helpful to me in understanding my situation and what my role in it has been. Including you, zorbas. Would hate to see you go.<br />
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Sometimes toes get stepped on, but I don't sense that anyone is trying to stomp on them on purpose. <br />
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I feel you provide very level headed insights. Even though you may repeat yourself over and over you may not be doing so with the same people. Kinda like being a teacher.<br />
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Have patience. I can not help but think your insights are very welcomed and needed.<br />
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You are one of the brightest commentators here and you have first hand knowledge on this topic. <br />
You are so succinct in transforming feelings into written words.<br />
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Maybe my friends on EP cant fix it for me, but they have been a valuable resource. Maybe EP does not fix relationships, but it helps us stay sane while we try.<br />
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Its not always easy to move on and its not always the right time to move on and so the suffering continues as does the need to be coddled among our fellow sufferers. <br />
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I agree with everyone else....I have looked forward to your posts, and would hate to see you go. You have a unique way of putting forth your thought, and the thought is well taken.<br />
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This issue is deep, and long, and wide, and life-altering, so we come here for new angles to view it from, <br />
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You put a lot of yourself into your observations and advice. That comes at a cost. Be good to yourself first. I think you and I know how to do that!<br />
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Now, where did I put that article on plagiarism . . . ??!!!!!

I agree with everyone else....I have looked forward to your posts, and would hate to see you go. You have a unique way of putting forth your thought, and the thought is well taken.<br />
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Remember that this forum is limited--there may not be concrete answers, and, yes we may well know what we're supposed to be doing....but the whole point is to share with others who have silimar experiences, and perhaps gain insight and not feel so lonely! The bunch of us are fellow hurt-ers or hurt-ees exploring the cause of our grief. Maybe there isn't a solid beggining-middle-and-end? So what? This issue is deep, and long, and wide, and life-altering, so we come here for new angles to view it from, but you're right...we can't really expect comfort from other people who are hurting, but I do like to hear their input, anyway....

Zorbas<br />
I haven't been here long, but I read the posts, and sometimes I feel like offering "advice" from my own viewpoint - because often, my reaction to a post is to think "Be a MAN / WOMAN. Bale out while there's still time" particularly with people in this trouble who are young. However, I am not young, so it is not an area I am comfortable with giving "advice". People of my era is different, coz I "been there, done that, got the Tshirt".<br />
I guess what I am trying to say is (a) one cannot be all things to all men / women<br />
(b) that to get a bit short and blunt about a particular post is not that unusual (did it myself the other day !!) as from time to time "enough is enough".<br />
(c) one does not have to live on this site either. It'll still be here if one decides to bale out (for a while, forever)<br />
Would you consider this ? - take a break, but revisit, look at the posts, if you feel you've got an input to offer do it. If not, don't. Take the pressure off.<br />
I think your contributions are valuable and I'd like to see them continue - at a level you are comfortable with.<br />
I know I've msgd you privately, I dare say many contributers have too. Maybe we overloaded you. For my part in that I apologise. Again - you can't be all things to all men - women. Stick around mate, but at your own pace - but do have a look at the new posts, as well as talking to your friends.<br />
I'm Kent Brockman and thats my two cents !!!!!!

Well Zorbas, I too am nearing the end of my life cycle on this board. I think at first we are all like "WOW! here is a bunch of people in my situation, at least I know there are people who truly understand what it's like to live this life of loneliness and mourning" Then you read so many other stories, which did give me a lot of clarity of thought (I dont think I had any answers) Then after a while you start to think of them as familiar "types". they are in the "it will never last" type. The "ready to cheat" type. The "hanging in and hoping for something more" types (ie: Me) I could go on, but I won't. <br />
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I disagree that no one is helped here. I have gotten advice on what books to read, learned that it isn't all my fault, learned that if I didn't take action my 8 months of sexlessness would have soon become 18 months and before I know it 18 years. Just the thought of that made me brave enough for "The Talk" and The Talk has helped change things slightly. Not greatly, but at least the distance between us is shrinking. As a woman, I think we assume that all men want sex all the time and if my husband does not want me there must be something terribly wrong with me. But that is not true. There is someting terribly wrong with our relationship. Maybe my friends on EP cant fix it for me, but they have been a valuable resource. Maybe EP does not fix relationships, but it helps us stay sane while we try.

DITTO ....<br />
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You are one of the brightest commentators here and you have first hand knowledge on this topic. <br />
You are so succinct in transforming feelings into written words.<br />
Self-assertive smart alecks are everywhere, and they are only fooling themselves into thinking that any of us really can't see through the swiss cheese lives they are describing. <br />
What's their game? I don't know, but when they shoot holes in pure honest feedback, they get their hair up.<br />
Please hang around some more

Zorb,<br><br />
you are well spoken and written. I find your frustrations puzzling. Many people may not already know the answer to their questions. Sometimes we need to hear things from different people in a different way that we have already heard it in order to get the point. Understanding one's self loathing, communications issues, or simply needing an ear can be therapy enough.<br><br />
Those that judge do so out of their own insecurities, inmaturity, narrow mindedness. or even self projection of their own short comings.<br><br />
I feel you provide very level headed insights. Even though you may repeat yourself over and over you may not be doing so with the same people. Kinda like being a teacher.<br><br />
I would understand to withdraw out of a tiredness to repeat one's self. I do not understand retreating simply because people are new, or dumb, or just don't get it, and thereby you find yourself throwing pearls to swine.<br><br />
Have patience. I can not help but think your insights are very welcomed and needed.

Zorb,<br />
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What everyone needs to keep in mind is that we are all here speaking our thoughts... trying to do the best we can. Sometimes toes get stepped on, but I don't sense that anyone is trying to stomp on them on purpose. <br />
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Hang in there.<br />
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James