Ethics, Drugs, Booze, and Infidelity

a couple of years ago i used to smoke an occasional cigarette with some friends who are smokers (probably one or two a day every other day or so), and i used to call it "my infidelity" b/c my partner hates, hates smoking and would be severely displeased with me smoking (i thought of it as a neurotic way of taking a little pleasure back).  well, i've always kept small things from her like this.  internet **** to cope with no sex (it's not a substitute for being with her, it's a crutch to deal with the lack), a cigarette here and there, drinking during the day to kill the pain -- each of these things are small pieces of infidelity.  i'm of the opinion, right or wrong, that you share with your partner who you are in full -- keeping pieces of your self to yourself is is a lie to the other person, who thinks they know you as you.

well, this leads me to the point.  she is pretty set against me taking medication for the depression that i'm dealing with, and i've made provisions to do just that without her knowledge (she doesn't know about ep either, she would flip if she read what i've posted).  i have a bottle of prozac waiting for me -- has been since thursday, but i haven't taken any yet (once you start, there is no stopping for some time).  i'm at a point where there are essentially 3 avenues.  1. take the prozac, keep my mouth shut and live with the secret (i feel the happiness down the road might be mitigated by the secret of it all or the worry of her discovering it).  2. talk to her about it and take it (here is another really brutal conversation and drunken 3-4 days to go through before resolution) -- the pain of that is almost unbearable to think about.  3. don't take it, and keep going the way it is. 

is it unethical to keep something like this from your partner.  i think it is, but i'm not sure if feeling better is worth sacrificing the ethical concerns.  i can invision a discussion this summer when i'm on the mend, letting her know, and her losing her shite (silent treatment, and then pain, booze, and depression all over again).  any advice would be much appreciated.



lebowski28 lebowski28
26-30, M
9 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Look at it this way, if you had cancer, would she insist that you not undergo chemo or whatever course of action your doctors determined to be appropriate? Depression is a medical problem that can be successfully treated with medication that is prescribed by a licensed physician. I can understand her not wanting you to smoke but not wanting you to get help for a problem you are having is beyond cruel. In my opinion, you take the meds openly...if she has an issue with it, let her contact your doctor.

thanks kfc, i appreciate the kind words. despite a wonderful night last night with her ; ), i woke this morning to find my anxiety and depression lingering. faced with a choice between the two beers in my fridge or the prozac (not that it has instant effect, obviously, but it represents a new way), i chose the medication. it pains me to keep this from her, but, at this time, i don't think that i can tell her. she's a very busy lady, so finding time with her to meet my therapist would be very, very difficult right now, and she would be very reluctant to do so (i can hear her suspicion). <br />
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i can look at this one of two ways. this could be a cowardly act, in terms of keeping it from her, which is how i feel about it b/c i enjoy punishing myself for each and every one of my weaknesses. on the other hand, it could be considered an act of strength, taking the steps i need to take regardless of how she feels about it, to make myself better. her immediate negative reactions to all things mental health, have made me gunshy about talking with her about it. at different times in my struggle with anxiety and depression, i've wanted to seek help, and on two different occasions she dissuaded me. she's already steered me away from medicinal help once, and i don't want to give her that power again. <br />
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she'll reap the benefits of me being happier, anyway. she'll love the meal -- she doesn't need to know how it was prepared.

Dear Leb: First let me say, I am afraid for you. Please, I am begging you as a friend, get yourself to AA. If you can put the booze down, you will find strength to deal with the other issues in your life.<br />
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Secondly, I would certainly take the advice of another and take her to meet with your doc. You don't need her approval, but since you are trying to "build some intimacy" in the relationship, include her in your decision process. Once she understands what the medication is for, she may be more supportive.<br />
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I don't think any of our spouses, mine included, are deliberately setting out to hurt us. They are a certain way and we are a certain way. When combining those ways, they don't mix well. It's bad chemistry. <br />
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Please take care of you. Start getting rid of the things that are doing damage to you, the sweet, lovable person that you are.<br />
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enna, it's not that she has little regard for my health or well-being; she is a kind and thoughtful person in most respects. however, like a great many folks who don't suffer the extended complications of depression and anxiety (i think she has major anxiety personally), she doesn't understand the problem. she thinks that i'm easily swayed by the power of suggestion; that is, my doctor tells me that i have depression and i'm willing to believe her. of course, i'm willing to believe her b/c i know how i feel, and it's not happy, its not content, it's not comfortable, it's not taken care of, it's not relaxed, and it's basically functional. i've been seeing my current therapist for 7 months, and she knows my adversion (mostly my partner's) adversion to medicine.<br />
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in other words, my partner's problem is that she is afraid of what it will do to me that it will change me (god, i hope it does b/c i'm not all that happy with who i am right now anyway), and that i'm essentially too mentally weak not to suck it up and deal with it. she says the right things regarding therapy, but, in the beginning, she was dead set against that too. she has some pretty deeply rooted trust issues that come from some experiences in childhood, and she is reluctant to allow others in b/c she is afraid of losing what she considers to be control on the situation. <br />
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this makes her sound like a nasty person, but she isn't. she's not diabolical, she's not deliberately hurting me. she is just frightened, and, although it sounds like a cliche it is true that, it is that frightened child inside of her that hurts her and me from time to time. it's more sad than it is angering, but sometimes i'm selfish and lose sight of sadness to feel only the anger. when you think about it that way, it is embarassing to let a little girl take away those things that you think are best about you.

Agree very much with all the comments here. You may find that once you are taking meds. regularly your need for alcohol declines . . . ? Of course I don't know you but I would guess you drink to self medicate. <br />
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The pain of depression is one that cannot be easily managed (IMHO) without meds. I am on 150mg Efexor-XR twice a day - and for me it has (quite literally) been a life saver. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my meds.<br />
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Please take them - and give them a chance to work. If the first one doesn't suit, try another. It sometimes takes time to find the right meds. for you.<br />
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I admire you very much for your ethical stance and I truly understand the fear of the "big blow up" once she finds out what you have been doing. . . but I cannot help but feel that SHE is treating YOU very badly. As such I cannot believe she deserves your ethical standpoint.<br />
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Without knowing more about you, I cannot help wondering why you stay with someone who has so little regard for your health and well being. . . can you tell us more?

Keep us informed . i am sure if U need more help the good people on EP will B there 4 U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you everyone. part of what has put me in this position is the ridiculous ethical standards i hold myself to -- i'm not a christian, i'm not in any religion other than the church of the almight superego (i owe all the time, and more than a televangelist would ever ask for).<br />
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it is my body, my life (while i share it, i have my own parts of it as well), and i decide what i get to do with it. thank you everyone, this really helped. i can't start today b/c i've been drinking (unfortunately, but i will start tomorrow). i appreciate all the kindness here.

Dude, listen to yourself. She has already held back the one thing that sets apart marriage from other relationship- intimacy. <br />
She has already told you the biggest lie. Either that or she is a numb skull has no clue what marriage is. Maybe ask her - "Honey what does marriage mean to you". Buddy, grow a pair. You gotta take care of your medicle issues especially depression. It will take your body like slow moving glacier. I am a cancer survivor - I know.<br />
You are not holding back anything. <br />
It does not matter whether you tell her or not. You gotta take care of your health.<br />
however in regards to telling her - what are you scared of? That she will throw a fit? Big deal. <br />
PantyLover does have a good idea though. Take her to the doc with you. I had to do the same thing with my eunuch wife. She finally got it.

Try this . If U and your wife C the same doctor , ask your doctor 2 talk 2 your wife . I have lived in a sexless marriage 7 years . I take Effexor Xr 150mg caps once a day and it helps . The doctor will B much better at explaining things 2 her. It is your health and U should do some thing about it . Since I have been on EP it has helped me a lot . The people on here R great !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!