Why Is This Shameful?

I knock on her door late at night. She knows I'm coming but the surprise and smile on her face when she opens the door to see me standing there tells me I made the right choice. She is very pretty, tall with long blonde hair. She immediately takes my hand, pulls me inside and we spend the next few hours talking, getting to know each other again, touching, kissing, laughing, and making love. Sharing that familiar energy that each of us bring - we take turns giving to each other and then receiving from each other, over and over. So what's wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing, we've done this a hundred times. We're both married, except not to each other. She is an ex-girlfriend who's husband is always "away on business" or "working late". And is always "too tired" to make love to her. He literally doesn't care about her. My story? My wife is perfect except for one thing, she's asexual.

If your spouse was strapped to a chair and could only be fed from the food that you had at your fingertips, but you chose not to, or fed them only sparingly if they cried and begged long enough, wouldn't that be cruel? Or at least considered abuse? Abuse of your power over that other human being who's basic human need you agreed to fulfill but choose to starve instead because of your own indifference or purpose? Is it less of a crime because you're starving an adult? An adult who willingly allowed those straps to be fastened to them, that are not made of leather or steel but of words and ceremony and vows taken? Does it matter that we are not talking about food that keeps your body alive but rather of love and sexual human contact that keeps your soul alive? You can see the graphic effects of a human body wasting away from lack of nourishment. But how ironic is it that because you can't see emotional abuse, you are judged more harshly when you steal nourishment elsewhere that your sole provider refuses to give you. Are you still judging me? Keep reading.

My wife is wonderful. She is very pretty, our two young boys have her pale blue eyes and everyone comments on how beautiful they are. She is very smart, she works in a laboratory in a hospital and is an excellent conversationalist. She is funny, and quick to make friends and be the center of attention at almost any event. She is very attractive sexually also, she has the type of physical attributes that stop most men dead in their tracks and openly comment on how they wish she was single. She is a good mother to our boys, takes care of them and they are very affectionate with her. She is all that and more. So this must be my problem right? keep reading.

When we started dating, she was going through medical school and working eves to make money. We got along well immediately, I have all the same positive attributes she has and we were a quick and fast match for each other. So it didn't bother me much at the time that while we kissed and cuddled, she was often too tired for sexual intimacy most of the time. I understood. A few years went by, and she was finishing school so we decided to get married. I thought things would change for the better since sexuality was the only piece of the puzzle we were missing. We were in a 95% perfect relationship, so what's the big deal right? Well, your head makes up only 5% of your body weight, but it's a difficult 5% to substitute for something else. We had a great honeymoon, and we made love more in that week than in the preceding two years together - which says more about the preceding time than that week. But sex had to be initiated by me every single time, and when I caught her looking bored at the ceiling one time I asked "what's the matter?" She replied, "Let's go get something to eat." And it was then I realized she had never initiated any sexual contact while we've been together, and she still doesn't. We came back home, she was pregnant. I found out all of her previous relationships broke up because of lack of sex on her part. And she started to get defensive repeatedly saying, "sex isn't a priority" for her.

I'm not going to go into my sexual abilities much but since some people pull out the old: "it takes two to make a problem." here's my basics. I am very attentive, I think you can see I'm very communicative, I take pride in my appearance, tall dark and I've been told handsome, I'm very passionate, and my endurance is far longer than most men I know. I'm not bragging, just being honest here as well. I had to change my phone numbers and even move several times because of girlfriends I'd broken up with who would settle for a "physical" relationship with me if they couldn't have a whole one anymore. How ironic that I would find a virtually perfect relationship and then be missing the one piece I never lacked in any previous relationship. Am I perfect? No. Who is? But I love sex with someone I'm connected with and I do everything I've learned and know on how to please the woman I'm with because that is enormously sexy to me also.

So we went to counseling during her pregnancy. I have an older son who I didn't get to see all the time and I always wanted to be a full time Dad. I felt I was cheated out being a Dad the first time so I wanted a wife who I could be the 50% partner if there was a next time. We both wanted kids so that part was easy. We also learned that she really couldn't care less if we ever had sex again. The counselor asked if it would bother her if I had sex with someone else and she said "I would actually prefer that. As long as I don't have to." But quickly added, "He's very good and makes me feel better than any man ever has, but I just don't like sex. It's like getting my teeth cleaned." She is what's considered asexual. And then I was asked the same question if it would bother me, I said "Yes." Only because if she did, then what she just said would be a lie. So there we were, my pregnant wife and I with no answer to our problem and no hope of ever finding one. She had our first son later that year, the marriage is 95% perfect and most of our friends envy us - if they only knew. Without having any sex in a year and half, we decided to have sex one night like you would decide to go see a movie together because we wanted another baby, a sibling for our son. It was the most detached evening we'd spent together. And just over one month later, she was pregnant again. Our next son was born last month and we have an outwardly looking perfect family. But we've had sex together less than ten times since I've know her. My wife doesn't want it rubbed in her face if I go elsewhere for sex, she doesn't want to even know about it, but she realized that I'm not staying virtually castrated because of her choice.

It was on a random chance I bumped into that married ex-girlfriend. We have some personal differences but we never had a problem in the bedroom. After talking our lives via email and phone calls, we realized we had one thing in common still that both of us desperately needed. And we've gotten together several times since, we've hurt no one including our spouses or children, and we both feel alive for the first time in years. I could still never be married to her, we still have those same personality differences that are irreconcilable, but we move to a different planet for awhile when we remove our clothes, our virtual shackles, and our inhibitions to feed our starving inner sexual selves. Now I find out she's moving away to another state and things will go back to "bad" for both of us. I think about all of those women out there who's husbands starve them for affection, who also won't leave their relationships due to small children, financial pressures, etc. Why aren't there dating sites for people in our situation? I'm not looking for a random hook-up, I can do that at a bar. But one where if you were into dancing, or bowling, and your partner wasn't, that you could go to for an evening and have a regular partner? I felt like I was the only one in this situation but now I know that is not the case. Yes this is described as an affair, but all affairs are not equal nor are they all harmful. And an ongoing, mutually sexually satisfiable friendship, is what every adult person deserves as a human right especially if your spouse refuses to be that for you.

Our own Valentine's day was yesterday, my parents watched the boys, we went to dinner and a movie, then came home. We kissed goodnight, she went to bed and I watched TV until I fell asleep on the couch. And all of our friends still wish they were one of us in our relationship. These relationships are difficult and sometimes necessary to stay in, but they should not a death sentence for anyone. Life is more complicated than we sometimes imagine it should be. And I believe the old puritan vows we still take for marriage are a bit outdated and do not cover all of our relationships. Why can't you be happy and healthy with more options to fill different needs? The lying involved is the lying we do to ourselves. And the only judging we should be doing is on our own behavior. Thank you for listening to my story.
warmhands warmhands
36-40, M
15 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Are you trapped in a sexless marriage not of your choosing and live in Minnesota or western Wisconsin? http://www.meetup.com/Minnesota-Sexless-Marriage-Social-Meetup/events/227750625/

Warmhands, it is always an impossible dilemma when we live with an asexual spouse. No alternative gives us the answers we seek. Like everyone here, you have considered your options and then made the best choice for you. I wish you every success - and sincerely hope you will in time find complete happiness. <br />
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Do not let those who seek to judge you affect you. They have not "walked a mile in your shoes".

Unless you are a perfect person married to a perfect spouse, you have made several compromises in your marriage just to stay married. The dillemma I face returns to what should be small enough to overlook, yet large enough to create a hole in your heart and soul. We have beautiful children, are great friends, agree on 99% of issues and topics that have torpedoed our friends' marriages, yet sex is like Mexico to her, nice to visit maybe once a year or every other, but she wouldn't want to live there or even next door to it. So what if I leave her for a woman who loves healthy sex on a regular basis but we only get along 60-70% of the time. Who's to say which is the better relationship? 50% of all marriages end in divorce, there is no perfect marriage. Only fractured reflections in a broken mirror of what we wish our relationships could be all the time.

you have a problem/.............

I wonder how your "ex girlfriend" really feels...

Fun55 - No matter how much you have together, when your partner cannot give you sex - for whatever reason - it creates hardship. It doesn't matter that you are getting it somewhere else; it still hurts to have your significant other be unable to open up/ share with you in this way. And, by the way, it hurts on either side. It hurts the person who isn't able to be present - sexually - with you, also.

izacrazy: Yes that was part of our marriage therapy too, believe it or not, so we tried that too. There are several good websites for swinging couples out there so we took some time to get to know a few quailty couples. We tried it several different ways, with another woman added to us, she said it was fun for while, then it felt like work to her. With another guy added to us, she realized that she is only really attracted to me, and she doesn't need another pair of hands or anything else that comes with another man in the bed. I am pretty liberal when it comes to sex, and intellectually so is she, so this type of sexual exploration was easy for both of us. Wear a condom, get to know them etc. But how do you fan the flames of sexual desire in your partner when they have no pilot light? You can't. She said she kind of enjoyed watching me with someone else rather than being part of it, but she'd rather do other things than sex anyway. It's very much like living with someone who has a disability. No, she's never been abused either, asexuality is a genetic thing like homosexuality is. She is simply a terrific woman, and my best friend, so I understand her point of view too. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who don't care what their wife thinks while having sex, and my wife will cooperate sometimes when I ask enough times, but I can't do it with a disattached partner.

enna30...I am afraid has said all. Affairs are simply what the word implies, affairs , a momentary escapes from a world we really fear to or don't really want to leave. They all end on a sorrowful note and outside of the excitement and delightful sexual world they create they solve nothing. All we know will remain the same.<br />
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You have expressed your position with great eloquence and understand your situation clearly but other than to offer my sincere sympathy I can say little else. <br />
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You are commited by your own thoughts and lack of action into the same life of accomodation that we all here endure.

Sadly your story is such a common one on this forum. I believe most of us end up here for the same reason - basically our marriages are pretty good EXCEPT that they are sexless.<br />
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It is true some people come to this board from marriages that sound truly AWFUL in all respects and for whom the poster no longer has any love, respect or affection.<br />
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But on the whole, the dilemma is the one you are facing - how to cope with this huge elephant in the lounge room, when everything else in the house is to your liking- if you will pardon my analogy!! <br />
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Zorbas recently posted about his frustration that people often seemed incapable of taking the next step - even though they were clearly unhappy with the status quo. I think a big part of this inability to act is the result of knowing we have to make EITHER OR choices and what we all want is the AND choice.<br />
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We don't want to choose between EITHER the perfect marriage with no sex OR plenty of sex but giving up the rest of our marriage which is in good shape otherwise.<br />
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What we want (but sadly will almost certainly never get) is the AND option - a great marriage AND great sex!!<br />
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I cannot solve your problem - I can only sympathise and wish you well. You are in good company here!

ugh, seriously guys. No, her husband doesn't even ask what she does. She takes care of the family and their kids, he's off doing "his thing". She's hinted around about it. I wonder if some men zero on that because that's who they identify with in my story. If you're ignoring your wife and cheating on her, expect her to get hers elsehwhere. And you better be a good shot, using your "shotgun" will buy you 10-20yrs if you miss.

madskillz, that happened to a guy i know. staring down both barrels of a shotgun with the hubby on the other end (the guy's name who was wielding the shotgun was "goober," which gives ya an idea of where i come from). long story short, the guy staring at the barrels ended up marrying the wife of the pissed off, gun toting cuckcold -- then he ended up divorcing her.

Good story. Well written. I just hope you don't find yourself at the wrong end of a gun , when "Mr. works late" comes home early.

i don't judge anyone in our situation who decides to go out and get some on the sly -- providing they are safe and don't bring anything back to their spouse. i personally couldn't, but that's not a judgment, just something i know about myself.

Puritan spouces could sue for lack of "affection". And wives did do so.

Has your wife been to counseling with or without you? If not, you gotta go, or else your sexless voyage will turn into a lifetime of frustration.