Loveless = Sexless.

 My wife of 14 years and I have not had sex in more than two years now, however, we have not been in love with each other for longer than that. We are both very much aware of this, and though we don't talk about it to the extent that we should, know that it is unlikely to change and the best option (even for our two kids, age 8 and 18 months) would be for us to separate. Unfortunately, because of financial situations, that is not an option right now. It's not an ugly or hostile situation between the two of us, but there is nothing there that fulfills either one of us. That's certainly clear today, valentine's day. We have nothing planned, and while I will go out with the kids later and get some flowers and make a nice dinner, it is more because it is what you are SUPPOSED to do on Valentine's Day, not because of some starry eyed, heart thumping gesture towards my wife.

I miss having sex. But more than that, I miss being loved and loving someone back. And  I think for both of us, the feeling of being stuck is the worst part of all.

runner49 runner49
36-40, M
4 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Yep, SB & B is right--It's a symptom, not the actual problem. If you think there is a fightin' chance, go for patching things up. If not, at you both choose to become roommates only, then how long will it take before you feel so stuck that you don't care if you're poor? SB & B is correct on another point, as well--you cannot get "feeling cherished" thru an affair. Been there, done that--it's only a band-aid.

OMG Runner, I could have written your story almost verbatim. Honestly, I don't think I've ever related more to a story on here like I am relating to yours.<br />
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Its taken me a very long to come to this conclusion, but the reasons you stated for your disintegrated marriage are the exact same for me. We were madly in lust/love/infatuation...whatever. The chemistry and connection was fabulous for a long time. But in reality...as life unfolded, and things got tough...it was apparent that our value system, ideas and thoughts were miles apart. <br />
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This has slowly eroded the relationship, which of course impacts the ability to get into sex with each other. It's not about mismatched libidos here...it's about a way bigger "disease" that "sexlessness" is a symptom of. <br />
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Like you, we have children and we have financial entanglements and so we carry on. For now. For who knows how long. <br />
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Meanwhile, I miss the sex but more than anything I miss feeling loved and cherished. I'm not going to get that from an affair. At least not one that doesn't lead to a broken heart. (been there, done that already...)<br />
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I wish you the best. I know how tough it is.

Good question, OMGMeToo. I guess it began 20 years ago when we first got together as a couple. I hate to use the old cliche "We were young and in love" but..."We were young and in love." The intimacy between the two of us was electrifying. The problem was, we were living things day by day. We never had those important conversations that couples have when they are embarking on a lifelong journey together, such as goals, values, dreams, etc. As time went on, it started to become clear that there were many areas we weren't compatible in. (Sex, however, was not one of them...)<br />
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But we moved on. We got married. We bought a house together. We had one child. Seven years later, we had another --- albeit under very difficult medical circumstances for both my wife and the baby, who was born at 30 weeks. And here we are now, two adults who are both turning 40 this year, going through the motions of being married (and not doing a very good job of it).<br />
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There are other factors to, but I suppose the main one is the one that seems to be pretty common for people in this discussion group, and that is communication. <br />
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Thanks for asking the question. It's been good for me to reflect.

What events led up to where it is now? What has contributed to the disintegration?