Adrift In a Strange Sea With a Wife Wanting Sex.

Hi everyone.

Continuing on from my last story "One Swallow doesn't make summer".

Well true to my wife's word we had sex again yesterday. Two times in a fortnight. Not bad.

First time on Valentine’s Day for 8 or 9 years.

I feel a little out of control, out of my comfort zone. Awash  in a churning sea far from the quiet safe harbour I had but around my self over the last few years.

How can she say that she has been able to "normalize" sex again and is trying to think of all these ways to make it fun?

Do I still live in a sexless marriage?

Twice in a fortnight.

But then before this twice 20 months ago (which was oh-so uncomfortable), once 12 months before that (on her birthday when she felt obliged as I had mad such an effort to give her a special day) and twice 12 months before that whe our son was conceived.

Apart from this fortnight maybe 8 times in nine years.

She seems to think that it's all go again, though she sems oblivious to the fact that I am wary given how we have lived the last nine years. She seems a little oblivious to all the anguish and hurt I have felt, and how her rejection of me has damaged my self-esteem.

I thought that our relationship was perfect except for the fact we didn't have sex. Now I realize I have a long way to go before I can trust her again.

Do I still belong here at "I Live in a Sexless Marriage"? I feel in limbo. Time wil tell.

warwick warwick
36-40, M
3 Responses Feb 14, 2009

It's a serious trust issue... how can you expose yourself to that kind of pain again without some trepidation? I'm with you... it's more than sexless at this point.

It is the slow but inevitable build up of resentment, I think. At first, there is frustration, possibly anger. . . then graduallly we adapt to the situation. We accept the denier's "rules" (for whatever reason) and we sublimate our needs into other areas of our lives.<br />
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But the issue doesn't go away - it just simmers gently in the back ground and sometimes a head of steam builds up in us and we are FORCED to face our feelings.<br />
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The constant denial, even if accompanied by other good factors, results in a sense of alienation. With that comes a gradual distancing of ourselves from our denier partner.<br />
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I no longer automatically give him the biggest portion. I no longer automatically pick up a "treat" for him when I'm shopping. I no longer look at my watch and think "Great! I'll be home with him soon." I no longer share all the parts of my life with him - and possibly worst of all, I don't care that I have a life separate to his.<br />
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So I can truly imagine the immense challenge of suddenly having to bridge the chasm that has developed over the years - to be intimate, sexy, loving - as if nothing has hapened!!! OMG - just not possible, in my opinion.<br />
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I cannot advise you but I can say I think I'd find it very hard to do what your wife seems to expect you to do . . . my thoughts are with you.

How about o in 7 years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!