It's Valentine's Day and I'm Still Sexless

It's been since October of 2007. And I can not come up with a scenario where I will ever have sex again with my wife again. I think I am pretty much resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. I have to man up and deal with it. The sad thing is I am getting to the point where I don't really miss it. She has done such a thorough job of killing every sexual impulse in me that I barely try anymore. My birthday is in less than a month. I'm not even going to bother asking if I could possibly maybe "get some". It won't even cross her mind. She will give me some useless trinket and won't even bother asking,"What about a little roll in the hay?"

prufrock prufrock
41-45, M
8 Responses Feb 14, 2009

Does anyone know why this happens???? I still don't understand why spouses think it is allright to deny their partner sex. That is part of the agreement when you marry - that you will see to each other's sexual needs exclusively. Who said it was okay to change the rules and that the other partner has to live with it? Even once a week might not be enough depending on the person. I wish there was some way to take a test before you get married to determine if you will be sexually compatible in marriage. A way to know if you will both be on the same sexual page for a good portion of your marriage. Notice I don't expect that the partners will always be in sync, that is unreasonable. But it should be the case for most of the marriage.

I like "HardtoBear's" style!<br />
You all break my heart--I was like your wives. My poor ex could have written your blogs. He got out, and is now free to move on. I am stuck with my guilty sorry a** self! But I truly have empathy.

Sorry to hear!

Thank you for all the comments and support. The thing is I still find my wife completely and totally sexually attractive. But it's in a way where if I'm walking through the mall and see a "hot" stranger. Having sex with my wife has become fantasy. Does that make sense? I can check out my wife and Salma Hayek, think they are both sexually appealing, and know I can't have either one. There is a part of me that will be hopeful on my birthday or Father's Day, but deep inside I know it won't happen. I think every husband should have sex at least four times a year. Birthday, Father's Day (if applicable), anniversary, and New Year's Eve. If I got "it" four times a year, that would be fantastic. How sad is that?

My advice, for what it is worth and that ain't much since I remain sexless for 8 years and counting, is do not accept it. DON'T fool yourself into believing you can manage it, and it will get better over time, it doesn't. I still think may be next birthday, maybe next anniversary, maybe next vacation, maybe next... it is BS, if you accept it, keep quite, be the nice guy, you are all done. That's me, still trying to convince myself I can handle a celebate life, still trying to accept I will never have sex again, and still hoping someday someone will actually want me. <br />
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It is an awful existence. Do not do what I have done. Tell her if she does not want sex in the marriage, she will be the only one not having sex and get the F out. It only gets more and more and more difficult. <br />
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Good luck to you, may you make better choices than I have made.

I'm sorry you seem to be so depressed by Valentine's Day. It is hard for me too (no sex x 2 years and lousy for 20+)..<br />
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Like btwitsme, I have come to a marriage where it feels like I am living with a sister rather than a wife. <br />
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What keeps me going is Hope and my wild fantasies. I gave up hope my wife will ever change (that actually improved my depression) but I do have hope that some day, some how I really will have good sex with a nice fun lady, NSA, that doesn't want to wreck my life, her life, or anyone else's. <br />
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Why not try sending out nice Valentine messages to all the women you know and see who responds. Even if it is a hopeless flrtation, it is worth something just to have someone appreciate you in a mildly sexual way.

I guess it is because I had to supress the sexual desire with my wife for so long that now I can't really think of her sexually. No matter how much more fit she is now, I just don't find her attractive and the idea of being intimate with her bothers me. It is sad because it never used to be that way and even though we were not having sex I would still take advantage of any chance. I can totally understand you.

I've learned to despise romantic holidays like Valentine's Day and Anniversaries. I express my sorrow for your situation, but I empathize with you because I'm in the same boat. <br />
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I've probably gone one step further: I certainly don't ask for anything and have no expectations. That eliminates any pain from disappointment. The saddest part is when a marriage becomes an arrangement that is friendly, almost brother-sister like. <br />
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My spouse is a wonderful man full of love to do such nice things for me. I believe he honestly doesn't ever think about making love to me. Intimacy just isn't a part of his nature. Unfortunately, I still have an overwhelming sex drive. <br />
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So, it's a sad resolve we have, but here we are. I live a stifled life and abound with secrets of what I dream about, fantasize about, and get frustrated about...........but my only recourse is to write my thoughts in mediums like this.