I have just joined EP and think the best place to start is with the Experience that means most to me.

I have been married for over 20 years.  My husband is kind, has terrific sense of humour and we enjoy the same books, films etc but have not had sex for 5 years and nearly 2 months. Not my choice. Although we are "friends" marriage is certainly not the same if it is sexless. Without the intimacy and excitement of sex marriage, and life, becomes very dull and the lack of sex becomes all consuming. We share a bed and the only intimacy was a peck on the cheek before turning over and going to sleep.  I have withdrawn from the peck on the cheek as it seemed hypocritical on H's part and cannot now remember the last time we touched each other, even accidentally.

During our early years of marriage sex was OK.  I always knew that I had the higher sex drive but there was quality if not quantity (3 times a month would seem like a feast now!).  It gradually dwindled to nothing. At first I blamed my self. Full time job, children, perhaps I had let myself go a bit. So off to the gym and 6 months later with a body I'd have been proud of in my 20s and a blonder hair colour (blond, not brassy, honest) I decided to exert my dominance side.  Surely most men would like to be taken advantage of?   Am quite happy to take charge, all he had to do was lay back and enjoy.  But of course no.  So after my bruised ego had recovered I decided the problem was not with me. 

A year ago after one too many classes of wine I told a male friend who I suspected had a similar marriage.  I have been happily dominating his submissive side ever since.  

That said it is not the happy ever after life I thought I'd have when I got married. It will probably all end in tears at some point and know will only have myself to blame but am not prepared to live a life with out sex.

As a new member have not had chance to read many of your stories but from what I have read I do understand the frustration, anger and sadness when the person you love withdraws from you.

I hope you don't judge me too harshly and look forward to many talks on this subject.




MissDeeMeanour MissDeeMeanour
18 Responses Feb 15, 2009

I just got home, back to the U.S., after working overseas, tried to kiss her and she turned away. i can't believe how much other women want to talk, hang out, but not the one I married. 49, in great shape (i think), just not wanted by her any more. I need to have intimacy that a woman can provide, i honestly don't think i have any other choice than to seek it elsewhere...

hi. sorry to hear your pain.<br />
<br />
i read somewhere once; "A man who does not become aroused by a woman, is with the wrong women".<br />
<br />
and elsewhere, the law "do not deny your partner, unless for fasting and prayer, and with her consent for a limited time only...". <br />
<br />
or words to that effect<br />
<br />

Fun55, I understand where you are coming from. I don't think that is the reason because it is only in recent years have taken the inititive, perhaps should have done so earlier. Confidence comes with age, not much else does!

i can understand your situation, and your right, it may certainly end in tears. but have you tried just bringing it up with him? bringing up the subject may seem weird at first, but if you love him, both of you deserve ALL of what you can give. not half. talk it through with him. if not, then keep your double life or move on.

Thank you all for your comments and I wish you well with your individual problems. My children are now independant but as Kathryn53 says it is complicated. If he was abusive I'd be gone like a shot, I am not financially dependant upon him either, perhaps after all this time I need time to reach that decision.

its like we have to sort through these things in our own way, no judgements here...thanks

MDM, Thank you for your story ... mine is so similar, yet I am further down the line - married for 28 years, sexless with my husband for the last half of that time. Our youngest son left for college a few months ago and I started counseling. I am still trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. My husband is a good man, says he loves me, yet the emotional intimacy has been absent for so long that I can not imagine getting it back. It is complicated by the fact that I, too, am seriously involved with someone outside of the marriage. I don't belive in doing what I'm doing, but it has been a matter of my emotional survival. Why can't I leave? I don't know: fear, uncertainty, what others think, money, etc. It is so much more complicated than I ever thought it would be. I appreciate the good hearts that are on this site and hope that I can gain some insight from others that will help me.

i may have some useful thoughts...email if want. <br />
<br />
ken 48 m

MissDemeanor, I do not, and will not judge you! I do however, have a question for you. Why? Why do you<br />
continue to stay in a marriage that you are not happy in? Since it is not working for you or your husband, then<br />
why continue? It will end in tears, anguish, and a whole<br />
lot of unnessary pain that does not have to be! Life is<br />
too short and you said it yourself, you want to start to<br />
live and feel! So, as I said in the begining, I do not and will not judge you! I do however, implore you to get out<br />
of a marriage that no longer suits you. Free

Your story sounds all too true. After 8 months of no hugs, no kisses(which I decided to do since I too thought it was hypocritical), I am angry, frustrated and confused. I haven't went anywhere else for sex, yet. I'm glad this gives people in our position a place to share our stories amd maybe get some insight from others in the same boat as me.

Well the need to be complete versus the guilt..gee I am not sure there any concrete answers..in that case keep plugging away and be happy for the moment

you deserve better...simply put, if you are in a relationship that does not fulfill you emotionally/physically then you are missing a large part of that relationship and one should ask if it is worth it. I feel better being alone and lonely then feeling that way in a marriage. PaL

In so many ways your story is my story . . . you have nothing but my very best wishes.<br />
<br />
The tragedy (for me) is that if I was having sex at home with my husband I would not even consider another man - but it is not to be.<br />
<br />
It took over 12 years for me to do something about it - I applaud you for acting on it earlier. I fel I've wasted an entire decade of my life . . .

thank you all for taking the time to reply. I am sure that it is not a situation that we thought we would be in. Suport is much apprieciated.

Zorbas, I have read many of your comments and I really appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom. <br />
MDM, I too have suffered many of the same feelings as you expressed and I too have gone outside my marriage seeking sexual ex<x>pression. What I am finding out by reading the notes on this site is that the participants are refusing to remain silent and are trying their best to change the situation one way or another. We come here feeling "stuck". But with a lot of encouragement from the others some of us gain the courage to change things in what ever direction seems best. The important lessons that I am learning are 1. That I am not alone in this.<br />
2. That others really do understand what I am going through, and 3. I have to muster up the courage to do something about it.<br />
I wish you that courage, <br />

No judgment here either. In fact, I completely understand the decision and have been in your shoes. I vascillate frequently emotionally, but overall I just refuse to 'waste' my relative youth endlessly with no passion in my life. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best, and hope things ultimately end up better than you expect.

I will never judge you or any others who have sought sex elsewhere when denied from a partner in marrisge.Only if an illness of that partner is the cause, will I not condone taking this action. <br />
<br />
This is an option I chose to make willingly as you have, and we have done nothing to either feel guilty about.<br />
<br />
We can live in a state of perpetual sexual frustration or we can , as in you and in my case , take action to alieviate the problem. It is nothing more or nothing less, then a temporary solution to a long lasting problem.<br />
<br />
I do hope that whatever comes of this this will not prove to be awkward in any sense of the word for you.. There are risks but they are so worth it from my point of view.

I fully understand how you feel. It is over 8 years since I had sex with my hubby. he is a great husband too in every other way.<br />
<br />
You are right though it will end in tears one day, i too am leading a double life, and have been for 18 months. I ned boh men in my life, but it is getting harder.<br />
<br />
Take care and be careful.