Stuck In a Marriage Where We've Become Just Friends

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for ten of that.  About 4 years ago we had some very traumatic things happen.  Our son-in-law was killed in Iraq and that same year I lost my best friend to cancer.  At the time my husband was unemployed and trying to start a business out of the house.  Unfortunately he was spending too much time chatting on the Internet and going to our local neighborhood bar every day around 3:00.  He has since gone back to a regular job, but over the last 3 years we have been growing further and further apart.  He is angry with my son (not his biological child) and the way I have raised him.  He turned to another woman and started confiding in her about his issues and since then texts her at least 30 times a day and they meet at the bar several times a week for drinks with the rest of their friends.  When I got angry over the text messages he told me they were just friends and that he was not having sex with her, nor would he ever.  Interesting though that the sum total of our sexual experience in the last couple of years is a 5 minute slam bam thank you Ma'am about every six weeks to two months.  We used to have a very healthy sex life and while I understand that as you get older the frequency may dwindle, shouldn't the quality still be there?  I find myself at a crossroads.  We are basically just friends sharing a home for the most part.  He hugs me and pecks my cheek or a chaste kiss on the lips when he leaves for work or comes home, but that's pretty much it.

I really don't know what to do, I've talked with him numerous times, we've fought, he says he loves me, but won't even think about going to counseling.

I hate to walk away from him and the 15 years we have together, but at this point I am constantly unhappy.

Any thoughts or comments would be welcome.


Taz1120 Taz1120
6 Responses Feb 15, 2009

Good luck Taz. It sounds to me as if it may be time to consider some life changes. You deserve respect and moreso, preservation of sanity. If my wife were texting a guy for friendship or similar reasons I would take it as a sign. For what it's worth...good luck

Oh Taz! So sorry to hear this. Those who blogged before me have given you good advice. Take a deep breath, dear, and put on your game-face: You are at a point when you are going to be forced to play a game of rock-scissors-paper. It sounds as if he wants to be in the roll of a teenager living at home...If you call "paper"do you think will he call "rock" or "sciccsors"? Is he trying to give you a wake-up call? Or, is he attempting to tell you "it's over, move on?" You know his style. You also know that you do not wish for it to continue has it has been. Wishing you strength in taking the next step forward.

i only know what worked for me (wife less interested). i started asking her to wear specific nighties, suggested to try some new positions. <br />
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it changed her overnight. just a guess that she thought i may have tried it someplace else first? not sure but in any case, the sex is better (great) now.

Two bits of good advice by Zorbas and michelle I reckon. The traumas that come along in our lives tend to amplify underlying qualities in ourselves and relationships and other people. They either act as cement and bind the underlying sound basis into something stronger - or they act as sand, and weaken an underlying unsound structure. YOU alone can not fix this, but YOU can draw inspiration from it and adopt whatever strategies that are appropriate for YOU to continue on your journey. Your husband has the same oppurtunity, but what he chooses to do is something only HE can persue.<br />
This situation is NOT your fault> Maybe its no=ones fault, but it is what it is. And the only element in it that YOU can control is YOU. <br />
Feeling for you at this difficult time - remember tho, you've faced some difficult things already, and you've come thru !!! YOU are still here, and you can come thru again !!<br />

You got a lot oif company here and stories may vary a bit but yours to me, seems almost cut and dry. The very fact that he texts this woman 30 times or more a day and goes out drinking with her and her friends certainly raises some warning flags in your relationship and rightly so.<br />
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You have come through some difficult times with the losses you have suffered. I cannot even imagine the pain that this has caused and you have my sympathy. <br />
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However, I honestly don't believe that his behavior is an offshoot of the deaths of your close familiy. This appears to me to be merely a callous disregard of your feelings and apparent affront to you by the flaunting of this other woman .<br />
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Counseling to me is a waste unless the two involved really see a problem and I don't think he does. <br />
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If his drinking is excessive this will take its toll on sexual performance and his desires as well.. This may be something else to consider.<br />
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I hope that you will be able to find a way out of this and please know full well that there are many here who understand and sympathize with your plight.

Sorry to see you here, if you know what I mean. Lots of similar stories here, if it helps you to know that you're not alone in having this situation, nor crazy.<br />
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You've been talking to him but it doesn't bring any result, and he's not interested in getting any outside help. The other woman is fulfilling some (at least) of his need for companionship. You are associated with his problems (e.g. your son). Saying that he loves you and not showing it in any 'useful' way, as you perceive it, means that you probably don't believe him, which would contribute to a general decay in trust.<br />
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Are you able to be self-supporting? Do you have mutual children as well as those you brought in? In economics 'sunk costs' (resources irreversably spent--your last 15 years) can't be considered when deciding where to go from 'here'. Only you can decide what the limits are to what you're willing to do. (For me, for example, deciding that sanity was more important than money meant that divorce was a consequence I could survive.)