Back Again.

Hi All,

Apologies for anyone who read my story last week and then noticed that it soon disappeared, I was worried that my wife would find it and that it would upset her?

There is something in me that has always told me that I am not a victim, to me being a victim was weak, and I am not weak, I am strong, I am a health 6'2" male who can look after himself and his family, and I am not a victim.  Then last week I came across ExperienceProject.com.

It all hit me like a ton of bricks, there are other people out there like me, lots of them, male and female, who like me have done nothing wrong, and the majority for whom relationships started out great and then the sex just faded away, and while that seems to be fine for the partner, it slowly kills us, it eats us up inside, it makes us feel like ****, some of us eat to take away the pain, our self worth deteriorates, our heads spin, our hearts ache, our throats get dry, our eyes get wet, we feel tired, we feel sad, we feel lonely, and the person responsible for all of this is the very person we cherish and hold most dear, the one we love, and that is what makes it so hard to understand and to accept, and that is what this forum has helped me realise.

I am so much luckier than some, I have read stories that make me want to cry on this site, those who have not been touched for years, and all I can think is how difficult your life must be and I wish I could give you a big hug, because I know how good I feel to be hugged myself, but unfortunately that would not compare to the touch of your partner.

Something has to give; I enjoy life, I love life, I have a great job, absolutely stunning friends, fantastic family, two amazing kids and a beautiful wife, I have everything to live for, but I do not feel like I am living, there is something deeply wrong in my life and I know exactly what it is.  I called a marriage counselor last week, they specialise on psycho-sexual counseling, I hope this can offer something as I love my wife to bits, we are great friends and she is a great mother, but I have been kidding myself too long that things are fine the way they are, they are not and I will not spend the rest of my life in self-loathing for something that I apparently appear unable to do anything about, god knows I've tried.

I will keep you all up to date on how things go.  I will go full of optimism as always, but I need to draw a line because I don't think my heart or soul can take this any longer; and then the real discussions will begin, then my heart truly will be torn in two, but better to get hurt and recover than to simply lie down and die?

 

AbashedbyLove AbashedbyLove
31-35, M
7 Responses Feb 15, 2009

Yes, it is very very tragic when our realationships get to that point. The question is: do you plan to do something, do nothing, or do something in the future ? And once you've chosen a path, with the right to change your own mind of course, then question number two is: how do you plan to cope and stay relatively un-miserable until you persue the next step?

Hi jln99. Don;t want to hi-jack abashed's post, and I can see your point about "Financial Hostage". In my case, if I chose, I could afford to bale out, and - if something came up that made this a desireable thing I would / will do it. At this point, my "Financial Partner" and I have significant assetts we own jointly, such assetts we have scraped together by contributions of money, labor, child care, etc etc in our own way over some time (and it ain't all been bad). How we have handled this is as follows. Say she wants to go to England for a holiday, but I don't. If it costs 10grand we convert 20grand out of joint assetts, she takes 10 (and has her trip) I take 10 (and do what I like with it). At some point, all the assetts may be liquidated (loooong way to go yet thankfully) but, if that time comes, and both Financial Partners have had their right whack out of it, thats cool. If one of the Financial Partners has pissed their half away and has nothing ledt, that is entirely their affair,<br />
Sorry abashed, shouldn't have used your space mate.

A "PS" for you abashed, A Financial Partner would not dream of looking at the other Financial Partners email or similar. A Financial Partnership has pretty clear boundarys.

Abashed, it sounds like you are trying everything you can think of to solve "the problem" but recognise that "the problem" might not be solvable.<br />
If thats the case then you are ahead of the game, to some extent. My marriage has, due to 2 main reasons morphed into a sexless situation, and for some years I was cast in the role of "Resentful / Unhappy Husband". Several events compelled me to re-examine my position, and face reality. I am a father, a son, a brother, a friend, a work colleague, many things. But as far as our household goes I am NOT a husband in the full sense. I am, in reality a "Financial Partner". A sobering realisation, but a true one. I have divested myself of the role of "Husband" (in all respects) but have adopted "Empathetic Financial Partner" as my role in the dynamic. A Financial Partner does not have expectations of sex etc etc of another Financial Partner. A Financial Partner does not have obligations to the other Financial Partner - other than those involving joint financial matters, and basic good manners and respect - which one tries to extend to everyone anyway. So for me, the dynamic changed. Discarding the role of (Resentful / Unhappy) "Husband" has been a revelation to me. And, at this time - about 5 years down the track from my lightglobe moment - it works for me. And my household is a far happier environment for it.<br />
I am NOT putting this forward as 'The Answer', it is MY solution, and it works for me. I simply want to encourage you to have a look at the reality of your situation, and try to think outside the square for YOUR solution. It's out there, but may take a bit of work to find. You sound pretty motivated tho, I'll bet you can work it out.<br />
Where you are now, I feel for you mate, but it ain't always gunna be like now for you.

Hi Abashed - <br />
I am sorry to hear this. Well - you have a great marriage, that is great. At least you have that much. <br />
Talk to your wife if you have not already.

Hi Abashed - <br />
I am sorry to hear this. Well - you have a great marriage, that is great. At least you have that much. <br />
Talk to your wife if you have not already.

Dear Abashed,<br />
<br />
Good luck with your counseling resolution. I hope it helps you. Yes, it is overwhelming when you discover how many marriages are sailing along day by day as really mere roommates who sometimes kiss and cuddle, but there's no intimate relationship -- it's not a real marriage. If you're like me, you can kid yourself for the longest time...........I too am afraid my spouse will discover my writings and get upset because I keep so much inside so your immediate comment sounded so similar to my life. But, I have great kids, I have supportive friends but none that I can discuss this with (except those on this site), a wonderful family but they aren't close which is probably best, and I've become an award-winning (practically) actress to hide all the loneliness and frustration. <br />
<br />
I truly wish you the best in your situation. I've resigned myself to realize that my life is what it is; I'm loved in a unique sort of way; however, things could be much worse. I'm not abused (which I would never tolerate anyway); I've made it through the self-loathing phase and now I concentrate on being the best woman that I can. I now exercise, I've never felt better, I"m now in the same shape as I was in school. So, although I'm lonely, fantasize way too much, and keep my thoughts mainly inside my head, my vision is great and I notice that other men look at me. So, although my spouse may not want me...........perhaps this "attention" signifies that I am at least still sexually attractive to the opposite sex. And, yes, I guess I need that to preserve what "ego" I have left. <br />
<br />
Btw