Lonely and Confused..

I have been living in a sexless marriage since i was 5 months pregnant with our first child. Since then we have slept in separate beds. In the beginning i thought it was my fault he was not attracted to me as i had put on some pounds. I became depressed and exhausted from having to look after my daughter at night and the stresses he placed on me with his also lack of affection. I then realized I was not the problem, it was him. I have spoken to him and made many an effort to resolve this problem by suggesting we have therapy etc. But to no resolve.

I don't know whether to stay or leave this relationship as I am young (25), beautiful and educated. If i leave now i can get on with my life and find a new job and home for my 14 month old daughter. But this is very difficult in a country like mine where the woman is always shamed for divorce. 

 This is the first time i have reached out and joined a forum where people in situations like mine have been brave enough to tell their story. I feel better after reading those stories and i salute all of you that have been in a situation like mine even longer than i can imagine. 

mymuse mymuse
26-30
7 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I don't see any recent comments. I was wondering if you were able to resolve the problem in any way? Just hoping for the best for you.....

Dear OMGMeToo,<br />
<br />
I will read the story and i will do the exercise u gave me..<br />
Thanks for the tip, sometimes it gets clearer when you realize and assess the situation this way..<br />
<br />
Cheers!

Dear frustrated27,<br />
<br />
I live in Malaysia where people are very modern with most issues but still make it difficult for the women to divorce their husbands under Muslim law. On the other hand should the husband wish to divorce his wife the process is simple and faster.<br />
<br />
I know that feeling of dying inside everyday knowing that you could be happier without your partner or with someone who treats you better. Im not sure if I am ready yet or gathered enough courage to leave and battle for custody of my daughter, find a new home, get my job back and live a new life.<br />
<br />
But i am certainly getting there..<br />
<br />
The good thing is we are both young and it will be easier to start over. We can also in the future hope to be a friend to our former spouses. One day.<br />
<br />
You deserve to be happy, we all do.

Dear MM: You are too young to be in this situation and unhappy. To spend the rest of your life like this is a prison sentence. No one deserves it.<br />
<br />
Move on with your life. Find a way, even if it means leaving your country.

Read the story by "Bazzar" about his "fix" to his sexless marriage which he has chosen not to leave. <br />
<br />
I encourage you to pysically write down three columns: 1) If I stay, and try to fix it. 2) If I ask for divorce. 3) If I stay, and leave it sexless. Write down two things in each column-what is the worst that could happen you and your kids, and what do I envision a regular day to be like five years from now in each scenario? Whichever you choose, or course their will be family and friends in an uproar, but will they eventually settle down one day? Are you more fearful about upsetting them, or is your drive to provide a healthy environment for your kids greater? And once your kids grow up and move out, where will you want to be? No, you cannot live this through without upsetting the apple cart.

Read the story by "Bazzar" about his "fix" to his sexless marriage which he has chosen not to leave. <br />
<br />
I encourage you to pysically write down three columns: 1) If I stay, and try to fix it. 2) If I ask for divorce. 3) If I stay, and leave it sexless. Write down two things in each column-what is the worst that could happen you and your kids, and what do I envision a regular day to be like five years from now in each scenario? Whichever you choose, or course their will be family and friends in an uproar, but will they eventually settle down one day? Are you more fearful about upsetting them, or is your drive to provide a healthy environment for your kids greater? And once your kids grow up and move out, where will you want to be? No, you cannot live this through without upsetting the apple cart.

Hi mymuse, <br />
<br />
What country are you from? I am a Catholic and so divorce is not an option the church gives me; even though I didn't have a Catholic wedding. I have learned that no matter what people say or think, you always have the right to pursue your happiness. I won't be tied down in a doomed realtionship seeing my life spiral out of control when I'm only 27 just because I can't defend my own right to be happy. I have tried as I am sure you did, but are we supposed to beg for love and passion in our lives? Aren't sex and affection normal things you share with the person you love? I am sick and tired of thinking how fulfilled my life could be if I had a person by my side who makes me feel alive. Every day I die a little and I am just about ready to call it quits regardless of what the church or my family thinks about it. I want to be happy or at least free to be able to feel attracted to someone without feeling guilty about it. I encourage you to do what you have to do for your own sake. Life is too short to throw it out the window just because. I've read so many sad stories of people who waited for many years before finally realizing that things were never going to get better. I'd rather act now while we're still young and we both can start new lives. I care about my wife but I am the most important person in my life.