Trying Not to Cave In and Do Something Stupid.

Been married for only two years.Never had much when we were dating. 1ce a month .Then 1ce 3 months ,then 4 months.Finally I don't want it either to much rejection.Now it's been 6 months. I focused on exercise as it keeps me positive and looking good.(self confidence).I DON'T flirt,but I have had 3 propositions from other men and turned them down.My husband is stable ,never rude or unkind - gives me all most anything -though I don't ask for much. I can see he hates sex.I respect him and will not force him. It's getting harder to turn down men,but I promised myself if I cheat I will leave my husband as I can't live with that kind of guilt.Can a marriage last if all desire is gone.I know kind loving men are very few and far between.


12 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I gave mine eight months just to assure myself that I wasn't imagining things. It sounds like you've established that pretty effectively, though.

I agree with Strangeling. Viagra is for someone that cant perform sexually, but, wants to perform sexually. I hate to think what a blow to your ego it would be if you do have sex once or twice, and it goes back to what it is now, or worse.<br />
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Now, if he is uninterested in counselling, I would strongly suggest you ask why. If he does not want to try to fix it, ask him why. This is a hard thing to go through, and by not communicating effectively with your partner, you will only take a bad situation and make it a worse one.<br />
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Hope it helps..... :)<br />
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As far as how long do you give it a chance? That only you can answer, for some people, they are gone after 6 months, others give it years.

Can love last without passion or sex? Think of a marriage like a flower....can that last with just sun, just good soil? just some water to keep it alive? would slowly wither and die. Look around the many stories that are like yours. Our souls are doing just that. Our hopes, dreams and passions are like that flower....each time we are rejected another petal falls, another root curls up and closes down. I too have pushed my wife away because i cant take the rejection anymore and yet....i refuse to cheat and would rather leave divorced then go through that.....and yet like a fool i still hope. Still cling onto the woman that i once married who isnt home right now. The person that is, is cold, barren of emotions twords me and needs me as if i were a pay the bills and take care of my side of the place we both dwell. What you have to discover is what i also seek...are you just existing or you truly alive?

Viagra doesn't create desire, it creates horniness. There is a difference. If you don't actually want to have sex it'll temporarily increase his need for it long enough to get the job done. If he doesn't want sex, then he probably won't want to take Viagra either.<br />
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Viagra for women is a mixed bag. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Definitely check with your doctor on that one.<br />
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How long should you give for a fair chance for a marriage? You need to ask yourself if you're continuing the relationship as a source of happiness for the two of you, or if you're continuing the relationship because of your belief in the sanctity of marriage.<br />
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If you just want a marriage for the sake of a marriage, then you should hold onto it until you can definitely see the two of you not being able to stand each other in the future. At that point, definitely get out because you don't want to be 50 or 60 and unable to find a guy.<br />
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If you want to be happy, then get out when the relationship stops making you happy, and you don't foresee it making you happy. If he is in the relationship for the right reasons, then he should be more interested in your happiness than his need to hold onto you.<br />
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I'm firmly of the belief that relationships are supposed to be about two people making each other happy, not about two people grinding against each other until structural failure occurs. There are a lot of teachings that say we need to hold onto a relationship forever, no matter what, but unfortunately those teachings are centuries out of date. They don't account for modern longevity and communications.<br />
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I hope this helps.

If U go that way I would go 4 CIALIS , It is a better pick !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you .I have recieved something form every response.Before I came here I was confused and isolated in my situation.I'm 33 and have no children wich I really wanted,but decided it would be a unwise decision given the circumstances.I feel that every marraige deserves a fair chance and would like a last atempt to try and fix things.My husband does not want to seek counselling or go to a doctor.Although I don't desire him anymore or him me.Ok ,this may sound silly,but if we both take Viagra can this false desire become real ?Has anyone tried it ?Is desire and closness not created by chemistry over a period of time? or am I just going to be disappointed again.How many years is a fair chance for a marraige?

Thank you for sharing, your story and the following comments are all food for thought and can help me too.<br />
I agree with -Strangeling- "your hormones will encourage you to be increasingly dissatisfied ...unhappiness with your sex life will try to creep into ...everything else in your life..." <br />
In my case I have used antidepressants to push down the feelings of unhappiness and delay any knee jerk reactions to break it off in an angry fit. Ten years, many books, a few counseling sessions, many arguments, many friend talks, many online forums, and now meds. Nothing can replace affection, touch, warmth, intimacy, sex, sharing, openness and confiding without fear of judgment; a soul mate and lover and friend is there for you no matter what and is understanding and intimate. At least this is what I dream of.<br />
Who are we to deny our lover, our mate, our confidant. That is why we are together or why we pair, or so I thought.

Hi, MMI. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Despite all the stories about it here on EP, it's pretty rare for a guy to have no sex drive at all. <br />
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Your question, I believe, is "can this work out long term?" This largely depends on you, but the answer is that it CAN, but usually doesn't. The challenge that you'll face is that your hormones will encourage you to be increasingly dissatisfied with your situation. Your unhappiness with your sex life will try to creep into how you feel about everything else in your life, and how you feel about him in general. This is how humans are SUPPOSED to work, it's how we are built.<br />
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Really, though, I'd see if you can talk him into visiting a doctor about it. There are a lot of things that medicine and psychology can do to help people who have no sex drive, but are in a sexually exclusive relationship with someone who actually wants some.<br />
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Best of wishes to you.

I'm in a similar situation. We never really had a normal sex life and she was a "virgin 'till marriage kind of girl", so it is not like I got a fair warning. She is awesome and responsible. I am a full time grad student and she works and makes great money. We are both fit and at least average looks. We rarely fight and when we argue is in a very civilized fashion. We don't have kids and have been married for four years. I have had the opporunity to cheat several times, but have chickened out. I am not sure I'll be able to turn down casual sex much longer as in the last 18 moths we've only had sex once; and it was just that "sex" not really the love making you crave with the person you love. I think we've grown apart to the point where I don't feel sexually attracted to her. I actually think that if she came to me for sex I'd have to turn her down. It'd feel too weird to have sex with her now. I think I've realized this is heading nowhere and I am just looking for the right words to get out of this senseless relationship in the nicest possible way.

Hopefully U have no children . I would say 4 it 2 last U would both have 2 B in agreement . If 1 wants sex and the other does not I can not C it working . U and him need 2 talk it out and the sooner the better !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree .I don't plan on cheating and I don't put myself in such positions as to open the door for such things.Thankyou for being so frank cause I need to hear it! It's good advice.Only bad things come from bad actions.

i think if you are going to make a conscious decision to cheat, you should leave your husband before, and not after.