It Wasn’t Always Like This

although I’ve always wanted sex more often then he has.  We’ve been married for 26 years and for the last 6 of those years I was luck if we had sex once every 8 months (yes I’ve kept track).  I can’t take it anymore….we’ve talked about it and he can’t give me any clear answer to why this is happening other saying he just doesn’t feel good.  I could deal with that if he was interested in getting help…seeing a doctor….something, but he isn’t.  I’ve told him he needs to take some kind of action because I can’t live like this anymore. 

I’ve begged, pleaded, complained….you name it and I’ve more then likely tried it, but nothing helps and the situation never changes.  I don’t want to just go have an affair (ok…the thought HAS crossed my mind) I want and need the emotional intimacy that goes along with the physical. 


We still sleep in the same bed, but that’s it….a kiss on the check and the he rolls over and goes to sleep.  I’ve given up asking him to touch me…a person can only deal with so much rejection. 


It’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this….

magna magna
51-55, F
13 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I understand. While I'm up and miserable because I'm tired of it, he's sound asleep. When I bring it up, he gets upset. I don't even understand why he gets upset! I never say anything mean! I just say something like, "I feel like you're not attracted to me because you never initiate sex." He seems to get really upset and usually winds up saying, "You are so beautiful to me. I love you so much. I'll try to initiate more often." <br />
<br />
If I wait for him to initiate we'll have sex once every 6 months. I think we have sex about once every 6 weeks because I give in and initiate myself. Only married 2 years so far. I'm turning 30, I feel like it's time to start having kids, but yeah...<br />
<br />
Oh, so what I was going to say... sometimes talking is counter-productive because if he initiates soon after our talk, I won't appreciate it because I'll assume he only did it out of a sense of obligation because we just talked about it! <br />
<br />
Oh, and yeah, like others... I have started day dreaming of having an affair. I've never cheated on him once in our 7 years together, I don't want to, but I need some passion in my life. I used to be disgusted at the thought of being with another man, but now... not so much.<br />
<br />
So sad because I love him so much. Just today when I was driving home from work I playfully asked him if he wanted to have sex today and he said, "yeah!" but it's now almost 2am. He napped, he's up making us some dinner even though I'm ready to go to bed now. <br />
<br />
P.S. Our schedule isn't the problem. We have the exact same hours at work and today is just weird because he decided to nap for a few hours. We're usually in bed by midnight or 1am.

It is the selfish spouses who are not interested in sex and I cannot understand why they got married in the first place. I am in a similar situation, my wife is not interested in sex and when I talk about it, she starts arguing and she thinks I am some sort of a sex pervert. She goes straight to sleep comfortably whilst I cannot sleep at all.

I have been married for 20 years, and haven't had sex for two years. Before that, it was MAYBE 2 times a year. I feel your pain, and I sympathize with you.

Hi, there<br />
Consider yourself lucky than some of the other folks. At least it is better than me. My wife and I are not sleeping on the same bed after two years of marriage. We are just housemates. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is no communication and what so ever. In the beginning I want sex, she just refuse and she would not give explanation. The feelings between her and me fade away gradually. The urge to have sex disappears long, long time. Now we seem like strangers. That is really sad after 26 years of marriage. Either way, it is sad to leave and it is also sad to stay. People say "It is a misunderstanding to get marry and an understanding to divorce." I understand your feeling. Keep smile. Someday the situation might get better. May be the days will be very soon. <br />
Best regards

Good luck.. it took me jumping ship to get my husband to therapy..but I'm still going through with the divorce because after all the years of me waiting for him to say yes when all he's said is no.. I finally figured out that now all I can say is no when he asks.

Don't mean to intrude, but strongly suggest a good therapist to guide you through the recovery steps towards a more fulfilling life. <br />
<br />
Sending blessings for strength, courage and confidence in yourself.

wow. pusherseven and i sound like the same guy. his story is my story, but i've only been married for 11 years. i knew there was a problem early on but i always heard that women get more sexual into their 30's and 40's. so i held on and held out. still holding, to me its selfish. so i have to take care of my needs. trying to do so without hurting her. i do still love her.

thanks're right I'm young enough to make a change for myself. My biggest fear is to 'wake up' in 20 years still in the same boat. He is avoiding our issues and I do let him off the hook. But I'm done with's way past time to start thinking about what's best for me for a change. <br />
<br />
again thank you....thank all of you for your support.

I am too in the same boat with the rest of you. I do good to get a peck on the cheek! I have tried it all as well and after 21 years it will be what it is. Hope you all find what you need as well as me.

Sounds like your husband is avoiding the real issues because he gets off the hook easily. Although it would benefit him greatly to seek professional help; medical and psychological, he has free will.<br><br />
You also have free will and 26 years is enough time to know that this awakening isn't going to happen by itself. you have to be the motivating force behind making a change for the better .. if not for the two of you ... at least for yourself. He will swallow you up with his excuses and you will turn around one day and be married "40" years ...<br><br />
sounds impossible, but the years have a way of gliding by ever so slowly while we think we have all the time for our world to get better....<br><br />
Please you are young enough to step out of this unhealthy situation. Don't be afraid to fix what is broken. There is nothing like having a clear head and living life more fully. <br><br />
There will be a lot of support for you here on EP.<br><br />
We are all from different walks of life, but affected by the lack of intimacy in our relationships.<br><br />
We are doing our best to keep our heads above water and make life a nicer, happier place to be.<br><br />
Blessings tonight,<br><br />
Eileen<br><br />
P.S. We have a very expensive sleep number bed that is the best -- unfortunately, it's used for sleeping 98.9% of the time. I have been fantasizing about a marriage bed filled with love, day and night... and hope it's not too late for me!!

I too have this problem. I can buy the entire book store and she won't read a one I bring home. I can suggest counseling, but she won't lift a finger to move in that direction for the purpose or goal of being more affectionate. The few times she has gone on her own, she has come back bold and strong, but no more affectionate or loving; I assume it was only a bitching session and my desires were the problem, not her's. Sharing a bed has been torture, but the last 10 months on antidepressants have made it bearable. <br />
I've begun to take care of my needs and think less of changing her. I can see it annoys her. I plan to let her know that I have to have my desires met with or without her and if it is without her then we need to come up with a plan to part, but this is proving to be the hardest part. It has taken me about ten years to expose the root of the problem and I've only know about it in the last three years, the other six were just frustration and upset over the secondary results of her non-affection. I'm still trying to get use to the idea that she will most likely not change for me, but only after we have parted, and then it will be too late.<br />
I too feel for you as I am in the same boat. It is a painful boat we are in and the work is all ours. Take it slow and take care of yourself, and be persistent towards plan A and plan B until one prevails.

Another sad tale that just makes me shake my head in disbelief. The very fact that anyone can lay next to the warmth of a giving and loving woman and just sleep defies all for me.<br />
<br />
My wife and I have slept in separate rooms for years and thus are removed from any physical contact. Her idea not mine and consequently this arrangement has lessened the pressure considerably, It must hell to occupy the same bed and not have sex. It is no wonder why it so much more difficult for you.<br />
<br />
I would try at least to sleep elsewhere if I could to reduce the intense feeling of rejection a bit.<br />
<br />
If an affair is not in the cards for you now , if this continues it may well be in teh futurel or divorce may be the ultimate solution. <br />
<br />
I feel for you and hope that somehow and in someway this will turn out right for you.

Other than U being female and me being male our stories R very much the same !!!!!! 4 the last 7 years same bed and a peck on the cheek !!!!!!!!!!!!