The Gist

the reasons why, or thoughts i have been having:

1.  she doesn't love me anymore

2.  she is not attracted to me anymore

3.  she is having an affair

4.  she has never really valued sex as much as I do

5.  I am a highly sexual being, she is not

6.  she has always had sex with her eyes closed

7.  she thinks sex is a gender power game

8.  she feels ashamed when she has sex

9.  i don;t satisfy her

10.  i have hurt her, so she is going to hurt me

11.  she is not comfortable with my sexual openness, so she retreats

12.  she thinks i am having an affair

13.  i will never say anything about it, becasue if i do and her behavior changes, it is false - she only changed becasue I said something, not out of any desire or genesis of thought on her part.  i i don;t want to be patronized, or have sex with anyone who doesn't really want to have sex with me, even if it is my wife, because then it is meaningles anyway

14.  we have zero itimacy too - over and above the sexlessness

15.  she is afaid of intimacy

16.  she is not a passionate, physical person like I am

17.  i am too intense for her

18.  i have tried every trick in the book to make her want me - everything every women's magazine says to do and nothing works

19.  i know i am a great father, and i try every day not to take my wife for granted, nut now i am going to stop trying becasue it gets me nowhere anyway

20.  she would leave me but we have two sons with disabilities, and she knows as i do that the only way to care for them properly is for us to stay together

21.  she would leave bu she knows she needs my income

22.  i do not want her to stay out of some feeling of practicality - i don't want to be needed ro only my money and fatherhood

23.  she would leave but she is scared

24.  i would leave but i don;t want to not be around my sons, and they need me, and i need them

25.  she doesn't need my anymore for emotional or physical connection

26.  i cannot continue to live this way.

teeye5 teeye5
41-45
7 Responses Feb 16, 2009

I understand NOT having the conversations though too. Sometimes there really is no point. It mihgt only serve to hurt you both in new and different ways rather than resolve the situation; bring up new questions without solving the old; and, frankly, we all lie to cover our ***** when we need to -- what makes you think the truth will be told anyway? Then again, you may hear something that will bring you clarity. Maybe, like me, clarity is something you seek desperately but scares the hell out of you too.

The gentlemen all have good points..as a woman in the same situation...you can only take care of you, you cannot answer the questions for her and neither can I. You can ask them of her though. And I would hope you do if you haven't already. Talking sucks ***...I would rather scoop my eyeball out than have a 'relationship' conversation but sometimes it's just plain necessary. If it gets you nowhere then it's time to simply take care of yourself. One step, one day at a time. Most of us cannot see the way to leave, simply because we never looked at the possibility.

Seems you have a lot of questions. Ever think of answering them? Stop being a victim and start having ownership. You are assuming that she doesn't want/like sex or intimacy. Maybe you both are not connecting because you are focused on surface needs and not the relationship between two people. I would think she wants to leave too, but if she has no job and cannot support herself, and possibly you both are financially to unstable to part then you are partially to blame, not just her. Your uncertainty here suggests you are not yet ready to accept your contribution to this and you think highly enough of yourself that you don't want to blame her. Sounds like you two don't work together well and in order to divorce you'd have to and you don't want to. I can bet she doesn't want a fight to the end kind of senario and that's why she avoids you. If she cannot or will not, or maybe has and you haven't mentioned here, you need to start taking steps to move forward. If that means staying together it means getting counseling to see if you can (and stop making excuses why you don't want counseling). If it means too much is yuk, then start the divorce process and work with her so it gets done and be the adults and parents the kids need you to be and do it with dignity.

teeye5<br />
The pacific ocean separates us mate, but you may as well have been me 6 years ago, all the way down to the kids (tho I've only got 1 with a disability)<br />
In my opinion, zorbas has cut thru a lot of the camoflage and got to the guts of it.<br />
I wont bore you with what my solution was / is, but I've ended up in a place I can be comfortable in - and really, although a few of the real facts have altered a bit, the reality is not all that different to 6 years ago. It is my viewpoint / attitude that has changed. My solution is MY solution, I'm not holding it up for an example to follow.<br />
First, you have got to discard any "Victim" mentality and have a totally honest appraisal of your situation - with all the emotion OUT of the equation. It has to be a total true inventory. From that, you can see what you are (eg father / brother / friend / etc) and what you are not (eg mass murderer / husband / cheater / etc). Then, as far as your relationships go lets say with your "wife" you may be able to define that relationship as what it truly is or is NOT (eg carer / co-parent / lover / sparring partner / adversary/ best friend / "Financial Partner"* etc etc). And, from that point you can discard the roles you may have thought you were playing, and embrace the roles you really are playing. And, within that fr<x>amework, you ought be able to come up with some sort of strategy you can live with. Maybe at the moment with your "wife" you are like me 6 years ago, playing "The Unhappy / Resentful Husband" Its a **** role and I abandoned it, ultimately adopting "Empathetic Financial Partner" as my role in the dynamic with my nominal "wife". But thats me. Gotta have a look at the reality of YOUR situation, and figure out what'll work for YOU. But you sure "cannot continue to live this way"<br />
Good luck in your search mate.

This is the place to empty out your head ~~ you're among others who are experiencing sexual and emotional differences with our spouses.<br><br />
You both have an immense responsibility with two little ones with disabilities. My heart goes out to you as parents and caretakers. <br><br />
Always be open to consider counseling, and medical analysis before jumping the gun. You don't allude to whether there is any level of emotional love left in your marriage. It's difficult to understand your specific situation without pertinent information.<br><br />
There's a lot to sort through and this is a good place to read "ah-haa" moments that might help ease the journey for you.<br><br />
Blessings

Number 26 is the question you must answer all other items listed ultimately lead to this conclusion.

This problem sure makes you think... <br />
<br />
mostly I think how it is so wrong that a spouse won't be there for their life partner sexually...