A Question

I have a question that just burst into my mind.

Why is it that some couples have amazing sex while dating and engaged, but the moment the vows are said and rings given, sex becomes the balloon with all the air drained out of it?

Does getting married itself kill the sex, or is it the "lack of taboo" now that you are "legal" kill it?

Sorry if the question has been asked already.


Seanachai Seanachai
36-40, F
14 Responses Feb 16, 2009

Fat Momma , you are so right, you have had similar experiences to me and that just happens EH????

enna30 I have responded to Lightcatcher in a new story post about demands here in the group.<br />
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I think I have thoroughly explained things there from both my experiences and from my friendships with both prostitutes and Exotic Dancers.<br />
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If you wish check it out and add anything you think I may have missed.

Woah! Lightcatcher!! Your comment disturbs me - not because you are not entitled to your opinion which is completely valid, but because I doubt many women could relate tothis viewpoint.<br />
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Am I wrong? Do other women want sex with a non-partner so they don't have to meet the expectations and demands of another person?<br />
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And guys, do you feel like this too?<br />
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Sorry Seanachai - don't mean to hijack your thread - but I'm perplexed by this comment.

I realize you can wack it to have an ******. I am talking about S*E*X. Big difference. To feel someone else enjoying themselves too. To have a someone need you as much as you need them. SEX!! The world wacks it too much and is forgetting the good stuff.

************ and cyber sex are both good in their own way - but hey! NOTHING is like sex! Nothing comes close.

I agree 100% with U fatmomma !!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I have trouble with is "doesn't the other person want sex?" I mean lets say you don't get along like you used to and you don't want to go outside your marriage, aren't you still horny sometimes? I mean in college I had sex with a couple of people and didn't care anything about them. And is was fun! I think that if people would stop controlling each other so much it would be better. And in the long run having the sex act would build a better relationship in all aspects.

I'd like to say that there are more reasons than there are stars in the skies, but really there are only a few dozen with numerous small variations.<br />
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The bait and switch is all too common because that's what we train our women for. Go look pretty and get yourself a guy who will support you. For that type of female, sex becomes a job, and nobody likes to do any more work than they have to. I've known women of that mentality with a strong sex drive, but who didn't want to have "unnecessary" sex with their husband because it set a bad precedent.<br />
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There is another issue that is partially responsible, and that's the complete lack of concern our society has for maintenance costs. We went into Iraq like gangbusters, but once we were there we had no clue what to do with ourselves, much less anyone else. Nationally, our bridges and infrastructure are crumbling. We seem to only think in terms of the initial investment.<br />
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Let me ask this group a question: How many of you have even heard of the concept of "relationship skills"?<br />
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The novelty wears off. This is why I always suggest a year or two waiting period after meeting and before marriage.<br />
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People who stop valuing something once we own it. How many of you have a basement full of stuff that you just couldn't live without, but don't actually use any more? This results in married couples taking each other for granted.<br />
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Wandering attraction also tends to result in decreased libido. <br />
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Shifting of priorities results in less opportunity for sex, and more difficulty in fitting in any kind of romance. When we're courting we talk about dreams and possibilities, but once we're married we actually have to pursue them.<br />
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Sometimes reality sets in. This isn't just novelty, it's realizing that the other person talks a good game, but may not actually be capable of carrying out what they have in mind. The beautiful dream turns into a dreary reality.<br />
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There is also friction created from having to live with each other. When one person is significantly more responsible (or even just bossy) than the other, it results in friction because so many of the interactions involve more of a parental relationship. This is a HUGE turnoff on both sides.<br />
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The list goes on, but it's really long-term compatibility issues taking their toll. Usually these issues show up in clusters, and sorting them out can be a huge effort. The long term effect on the libido, though, is pretty much inevitable.

I think all here have nailed it perfectly. I agree that it simply a combination of life's changing attitudes and simply marrying the wrong individual for the wrong reasons. <br />
It would appear that switch in bait, although I am sure is practiced , it is probably a very small percentage of the total sexless marriages.<br />
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This is why I so enjoy this forum. Folks here cut to the chase and from their own experiences can ferret out the cause of many of our collective problems.

I believe after U get married UR no longer doing it every where and when ever U can . U R living together and sleeping together , makes it different . Now all U have 2 do is roll over 2 get some . The excitement is gone . In my case it was a matter of ok 3 kids I don't have 2 do it any more 4 him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think too many of us get caught up in "compatibility and fit" and don't think too much about the "feel of the fit". Just because you have great sex with someone, doesn't mean they are your soul mate. <BR><BR>We look so good together, we enjoy the same movies, that doesn't mean you have chemistry. Pick up a book by Mira Kirshenbaum called Is He MR. Right? The first chapter talks about this concept. It's fascinating. If more people would read the book and pay attention to the "signs" I bet there would be more happier sex loving couples walking the planet.

To Bazzar . I am 33 married to a 41 year old for 2 years .Sex has never really been there.Was monthly during dating (3 years) .May midlife crisis be the cause or maybe why he married me before he turned 40? I'd really appreciate your opinion .

Hello seanachi<br />
something for you to consider (bear in mind I am an old guy), I'm figuring you are about, lets say 27.<br />
Are you the same person now that you were when you were 7 ?<br />
How about when you were 12 ?<br />
17 ? <br />
What sort of things interested you at age 22 ?<br />
Where you are now (theoretically) at 27 ?<br />
How do you think your attitude to subject "X" will be at age 32 ?<br />
37 ?<br />
etc. etc etc. <br />
Things that were important at 17 (say getting your first car are different now at 27. You probably want a 'better' car)<br />
You might have been a huge fan of "The Wonder Years" when you were 7. Now, your interest in "Winny" is completely different.<br />
At 22 (is college in the USA ???? might have that wrong) and you were possibly more interested in getting hammered and chasing women than you were in listening to N'Sync or similar like when you were 12.<br />
I have probably labored the point too long here, but you are a different person as time goes by. Your environment and past experiences change you. And thats a good thing !!!!<br />
Add into this situation another person, with whom you have a sexual relationship (who's attitudes are also changing, faster or slower than yours) and it is not really realistic to think you are always going to be on the same wavelength on musical tastes, friends, prioritys, sex, and every other daily issue. Relationships can be a bit like two people joined by a rubber band, sometimes they are very close, sometimes they stretch apart then rebound. And, sometimes the rubber band breaks. Its life mate.

I have just heard this story so many times.<br />
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We were so hot for each other and I just had to marry that....then after being married for "X" amount of time the passion died out and the hot woman/man I married turned into another person, not the person I married....