When to Say When

I've been reading everyeone's stories and I feel so bad for all of us. But I've come to the point in my own story where I can see the end and the beginning. We all spend so much time asking what's wrong with us, what did we do wrong, what can we do to make them want us again, what's wrong with them, what can we do to help them, etc etc etc. There's so many questions we have...but there's one we don't ask. It's like it doesn't occur to us.

What if they do get help? What if they do start saying yes after so many years of saying no? Can you open yourself back up to the possibility of going through the rejection all over again? Could you allow yourself to freely express your sexuality with the person who's thoroughly rejected that part of you for so long? Could you trust them with that part of you again?

I think that's the question we actually have to ask. Because love is not enough. I've spent the last 10 years trying not to hurt my husband in any way, while he spent them hurting me every single day. No, he didn't do it on purpose, no he wasn't fully aware what he was doing to me. Yes, I asked, I talked, I yelled, I screamed, I cried, I begged, I waited, I prayed, I hoped, I tried everything.

Then I bought b.o.b. Then I got tired and frustrated with that. And the cycle of talking and yelling started again. Then I waited some more. And more time passed and nothing happened. Then I cheated. Then I realized one night that if it were my husband lying next to me...I wouldn't be able to do the things I had just done with the man I barely knew.. with the man I'd been married to for all those years. Because I did not trust him to handle that indefinable part of me with any care at all.

That's when I started praying for a 2x4 upside the head and when I found here and when things started falling into place for me to leave. Telling the man I love that I NEEDED to leave him was the hardest thing ever, because there is honestly nothing else wrong with our relationship, for some of you there are many other things not quite right, but that's not the case with us.

But since my sexuality is a huge part of who I am as a person...(I'm bisexual, I worked as an exotic dancer and a nude model for a long time)...being with someone who did not value that part of me was killing me.  I've been suicidal for a year now and the drugs were barely keeping me off the edge.

The answer to that question was what set me free. What got me off the edge.

So, can you? Would you? Could you? If they asked you to right now? In front of God and the whold world, in the light of day, do you still want them, do you still trust them enough to stand naked and vulnerable in front of them and risk their rejection again? 

blehh blehh
8 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Well written and thought provoking. At this point, I now feel like the 'rejector' because it has been so long that I'm no longer interested even if he is. I cannot imagine physical intimacy with him; is this reason enough to leave or is it selfish?

No, I could not open myself up to rejection again. There is too much under the surface anger to over come. If he did make a move now my reaction would be "f*** you" but not literally.

Honestly? I'm not sure I could trust him again. Each rejection has chipped away at my sense of self and I like myself enough to cling on to what confidence I have left. For me...for this relationship...it might just be too late.

I think we all have that question....that one and do we have the strength to leave if they reject us once again as they have so many times in the past. I honestly dont know if am am part of the problem now as well...because there are parts of my soul that ive had to shut off from my wife for protection. I have learned to hold her at arms legth after having her do that for so many years....<br />
What would i do if my wife....naked an vernerable to the world...asked me to share her now and forever...<br />
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Most likely id cave and toss the idea of rejection aside....knowing full well that if i were a betting man...i would bet on the side of her tossing me side like she has in the past....

A great story, I have asked myself many of the same questions, and do not like a few of the answers

I know exactly how you feel and have gone through many agonizing moments that while with another woman , wondering why the same intimacy couldn't be the same with the woman I married. It is a strange dichotomy we suffer through and leaving the marriage may not solve the dilemma either. It is this thought that kept me imprisoned here. For, as you said, there are some very big ties that bind you to the ones we've married. <br />
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That is the one great sadness in all of this. That we are forced to feed a part of us elsewhere that they will never know or seemingly care about.I doubt sincerely that my wife has any idea what I am really all about, nor may I say I am not privy to her innermost thoughts either. Most importantly, how can you trust them enough to ever expose yourself to that degree to them ever again.<br />
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You have expressed yourself and your frustrations most accurately here and I can see myself in your your problem. I do hope that this action you are taking will turn out to be the best for you. and best for you and will consequently give hope to others.

Love this. So true. I struggle with that same question and I am living away from him and on my own.

Good story !!!!!!!!