The Great Lie

Hi all. To tell my story i have to goto the begining. Goes from simple and sublime...to mundane and abysmal. I met my wife almost 9 years ago...was a blind date. (And to get everyone to understand my plight...im the nice guy. The one with the "great" personality....who isnt bad in the looks debt, yet who's soft spoken personality 9 times out of 10 gets steam rolled by most). Me and my wife met at a restaurant after sending each other a few e-mails here and there...so we both thought...why not.

She was (and still is...somewhat) the most vivascious and alive women ive ever met...and while dating we had the kind of vivid and profound relationship that most dream of. Had a connection on so many levels...sexually, romantically...you name it.

Her Father then past away (her mom had past when she was 19)...and she got drunk....we had sex....

Baby number one was on its way. I did the only thing that came to my mind...growing up the way i did. I got on one knee and asked this women who at the time i was only with for little over a year...to be my wife. (Up to that point...her personality ranged from the OVERLY anal-renentive control freak/angry girl...to the somewhat sweet girl who was loving in her own way. I forgave most of her transgretions because of the great sex...and now i forgave them because of the little package she had)

We married....and i watched her personality change. She went from slightly demanding of what she wanted...to ultra-damanding. Watched our sex life go from spontanious and vivascious....to non existant and flat.

Everytime i brought up the subject....i was wrong. Not just for bring it up in the first place....but also because the list of reasons behind her lack of sexual desire were all...mine, mine, mine, mine and um...mine. Things such as my lack of helping around the house, lack of open communication, not giving her enough space, not giving her enough of my paycheck, my long work hours, i snore....ect

I then took the list....and went A-HAAA...ill take this as a goal...a to-do list and get proactive. I started working less hours by taking some work at home. Started taking care of the baby more...did allot of the share of the housework...strated engaging in open communication with her more (though that backfires juts a but because then she told me i was ******* her off)...so i gave her more space, gave her more of the paycheck..and bought those strips you put ontop your nose to help you snore less.

and what was the result of this....if you think it was sex some buzzer should go off right about now with a big X sign in the air. After doing all of this....she got depressed, strarted eating...shouting at me and before i even knew what was going on had full-blown post pardum depression. I had to take 4 weeks off from work so that i could take care of the baby and let her go visit her friends in miami.

She came back...and was...SO in love with the baby. Everything was about reconnecting witht he baby....and then she got excited about the fact she got an invitation to her best friends wedding. A few weeks into her being home (she had asked me to sleep on the couch)...she crawled on the couch with me and we had sex for the first time in almost a year. And because god is a comedian....

Baby number two...was on its way. I was happy though...MAINLY because she was. She turned into the woman i married....wanted to have sex all of the time...was loving, spontanious, warm...i was on cloud nine.

What i didnt understand was that i would not stay on cloud number 9 for long....and that cloud 8, 7 and 6...werent all that much fun. I came home...and the storm that erupted when i walked in the door would have made a class 4 tornado look like bad fart in the wind. She had gotten twisted about the fact that my mother (who i love) didnt want to pay for the new baby's baby shower...and told my wife because they are retired and having some financial problems...that they would just help with it.

Now....the one thing about my wife that i know is....when she gets really pissed off....there is a 110% chance she will after some screaming and yelling....say something extremely rude and obnoxious that is 100% truth...yet should never be said.

So we have a fight....my daughter is asleep in her room....so we have it in the basement....and out of her mouth comes....well the only reason i wanted to have a second baby with your sorry *** is so that i can tell people im preggo when we goto the wedding next month...

Have you ever had a conversation....when after someone says something to you....you can actually see the words...floating twords you? Above your head...and then watch as the person who said them...gram them and beat you with them? yep

It took me a long while to get past that.....but i did when our second little girl was born. She wasa joy and our first (2 years apart) loved her with open arms and cherished her.

My wife seamed to return to her loving and warm personality....yet again...kept me at arms distance (something she does right now in-fact). I finaly sat her down and asked her to tell me why we dont have sex anymore...why dont we connect. (side-note....but my daughters childbirths were really tramatic. My first was a large baby and she was in labor for a very long time....my second...was a C-Section and was also large)

She finaly told me the only was she would have sex with me woul dbe if i had a vacectomy....that after that was done...id be back in her bed (notice she claimed the bed now that i was always on the couch) forever.

I did some long thinking about it....and thinking, and thinking. Almost to the point where i had convinced myself that if i thought about it for so long maybe she would forget about the idea. But then one day i thought about actually doing it....figured that well, i dont believe in divorce, i old enough that more kids probably wont be in my future....i do really want to have sex with my wife. So be it....

snip snip

I healed....strated walking again without fear of being punched in that area (kids are good for that...like they have...daddy's balls hurt...lets punch him there...radar)....and doc cut-off-balls told me i could have sex again wthout ANY...I REPEAT ANY fear of getting anyone preggo again. My count was ZERO

I went home....bought a bottle of wine...went up to wife and proclaimed myself ready for stress free i cant get you preggo sex.

Not in the mood

Not tonight....maybe tomorrow

I dont feel well....sorry baby

and this went on for months....and yes, i went into....i have to be understanding mode. I have to be the "nice" guy i am mode. And i was that....for 4 months. For 4 months she didnt even touch me once....not once.

It came to a fault....one september night....i came home and i heard her talking to a friend of hers on the phone about how great her new toy was. How alive the vibration made her feel....and i felt the anger well up in me like a billowing cloud of....WTF?

So we had yet another basement fight....and again....more words of wisdom came forth....that the main reason she wanted me to have a vacectomy was the ensure that i could not have kids with anyone else....if we divorce.

I stayed away from her....for a long while....but being who i am...having kids who are so young and cute...they have a way of bring two people together....i eventually pushed that episode back, back...common...back into the attic that is my brain. STuffed it in that area we all put the very hurtful things the people that tell us they love us say and do....that we cant forget, but cant dwell on less we go insane.

Years pass....our sexlife exists on a plane where it really only happens on holidays or when she has had a few too many sips of whiskey (her drink of choice)....

Now....the kids are 5 and 7. They are my joy. Every single time i smile, feel warmth in my heart, feel pride, feel the wonder that is life....they are those feelings creators. They sprinkle life to every moment i have that is just plain wonderful. I love every second being their dad....and sure, there are days they dont do what i ask...or are down right benevolent....and i have a few moments where i get mad. But the anger lasts for a few seonds...replaced by laughter and giggles.

I sleep on the couch. I have tried many times to talk to my wife about the fact that id love to sleep in the bed next to her...and am told that either she isnt feeling well, didnt get any sleep the night before...or the fact that she heard me snore the night before and dont think she can handle it tonight...and maybe, tomorrow will be a better idea....and tomorrow night, tomorrow night...and so on.

Sex....again, is a drunk or holiday event.....though even there...the dance i do with her has lost its luster. She will make all of the preperations for our annual sex-date....including a few teases, sexual innuendous and promises of things that havent been done in many years....

...only to have some illness, some event, some claim of tireness or just when we get home...she will just go upstairs and while walking up say..well...goodnight....leaving most who would want to see the look on my face...only to look up bewildered.

and so....thats where i am now. And if i had to look outside at all of this and render a verdict...it would go as follows. Its all a lie. Its as simple as that. She, i think, at some basic level does love me. She loves me as the man who workes and provides. Loves me as the devoted father who takes care of the kids and seas to their needs. Loves me as the man who helps around the house and does what i am asked to do...

But i fully know....that she has no desire for me as a man. The utter lonelyness i now feel....is so vast and profound that i am finding it hard to even enjoy the life i live.

So i ask you.....

am i wrong to think this way?

have i come to an unjust conclusion? or am i right....

to feel as though my marraige is more roomate and less romance

 

thanks for reading....i hope its not too long

please...comment, i need some feedback

-Chaos

ChaoticLove72 ChaoticLove72
36-40, M
20 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if all the great, hardworking, loving guys, could find all the great, hardworking loving gals... But then, what would all the users and abusers do for someone to care for them, support them etc, etc. <br />
<br />
My heart goes out to you... I'm a woman in a similar perdicament... But without the heartwrenching dilema of children to think about... <br />
<br />
You are not wrong... To be or not to be is not the question for all of us here, for us it's to go or not to go... to cheat or not to cheat... <br />
<br />
There are no easy answers... There aren't even any difficult answers... Just extremely hard, painful ones...

I thought the great lie was : Checks in the mail . I wont *** in your mouth & I can't believe I forgot the 3RD 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We do put aside our own needs for our kids, I believe that 100% and they absolutely deserve that. And they deserve a emotionally healthy environment too.<br />
<br />
You seem very angry about so many things she "did to you" and you sound determined to stay and be the martyr. Keeping your commitment is important to you, and that's nobel.<br />
<br />
So who decides when a toxic environment is hurting our children? How about family counseling?<br />
<br />
I'm not judging at all, only you know where you're at. I'm just suggesting some ways to try to heal, if not for yourself, then for the kids.<br />
<br />
Food for thought.

Here is the thing everyone....sure, i can forgive her. I can forgive her turning me on and then seconds later casting me away. I can forgive her diving into the internet every single day while the kids watch TV, the dishes pile up high and the house goes to ****. I can forgive the fact that i know deep down inside she resents the life we have....and has little to no interest in sex, intimacy or true passion with me...and would rather be that way with something that runs on batteries...then me. I can also forgive the gross ammount of money lost because of her lack of interest in this marriage....<br />
<br />
What i can forgive is the loss of time. What i can forgive is what she has done to my self-esteem. What i can forgive is the fact that...though i see her desperate need to be selfish....i cant fathom it. Once you become a parent...a wife...a husband. Life isnt all about what you need. Its about the concept of a universal..."us". Its about pushing your own needs aside and fulfilling the needs of the person you vowed to love and cherish...KNOWING full well they will do the same for you.<br />
<br />
and at what point ladies and gentlemen....do we become selfish and break free to perhaps find that one person who willingly...will do that for us?

You're here, so you must want to do something different so all is not lost. I agree with many of the comments here, especially about recapturing your self-esteem; it's been too long, you can't only blame her because in this live we do get what we accept. Your girls love you, they will look for men like daddy, is that what you want for them? I know it's hard, I feel your pain, but honey you need to take charge of your happiness. No wallowing!!!<br />
<br />
She did do things that are text book unforgivable, but forgive her and move on. It's like so many situations discussed on this site, when we take accountability for our own happiness it's amazing what happens. That loving woman is out there waiting for you!!<br />
<br />
Good luck.

CL72, I thought I had problems, at least my wife never offered then turned me down. Ouch, I say take the kids and run, RUN FAR, RUN FASt<br />
<br />
She is a psycho woman, really Psycho I am surprised tour are still in he relatioship.

"Should I stay or should i go now?" Go run run now. Your wife has a mental problem that only years of therapy can help. In the meantime, her example is only harming your girls in ways you won't know until their relationships are dysfunctional.

Hey Chaotic, <br />
<br />
You are absolutely right. I would love to be in one of those relationships in which people still hold hands and age by someone who truly loves me and with whom I can share the beauty of life. The thing is NEITHER one of us in in THAT type of relationship. Sorry to be harsh, but get over it. She's not going to suddenly become the woman you thought she was. Your wife makes me sick, because she has used you and humiliated you. I think you have to pick the little self-esteem you have left and go find the person you can hold hands with AND shag when you're 75 years old. Your parents were lucky to have found caring people to unite their lives to, but you and I were out of luck. I hate to say it but you are in far worse shape than I'm in with my wife. At least she respects me. I am truly sorry that you have put up being treated so poorly for all this time, but it is time to fight for normalcy in your life.

Hey frustratedat27....all of the things you brought up swirl inside my brain every second of the day. Every single word out of my wifes mouth are like small daggers plunging into my back at every angle. And yes....i dont believe in divorce. But its not out of some religious background. Its because i grew up with parents who are still married. After 55 years they still hold hands. Still steal kisses. Still sleep in the bed next to one another and laugh at the many memories they have.<br />
<br />
Im a romantic at heart.....and went through life wanting what they now have. I thought i had it....and yet when you have someone tell you the main reason i married you is you "knocked me up"....the fantasy burns away leaving just the ashes of my dreams.<br />
<br />
I daydream all of the time about having a woman that respects me, loves me...cherishes me for who i am. Thing is...ive been married for almost 9 years and i dont know how i would handle a real woman at this point.<br />
<br />
A good friend of mine asked me this question the other day. He asked me...are you just existing...or are you alive?<br />
<br />
It say with me for days. Before i got married i used to travel...as a photographer. Ive been to spain, germany, italy, costa rica....so many wonderful places. And even when i was back home...i felt alive. I felt the warm blood in my veins rushing through me like a raging fire through brush....<br />
<br />
Now....i exist. I do the same thing day after day. I surve a purpose for other people...my kids and my family...and the only ruch i get is keeping my body in shape because its really all i have left of the me that once was.<br />
<br />
Ask yourself. If you think to describe you....are you the man....or are you the wifes husband?<br />
<br />
Right now i am the later of the two.....i know i cant be that for long

ChaoticLove72, <br />
<br />
I am truly sorry to read about your plight. I don't have kids so I cannot tell you I know exactly what you're going through, but reading your message I am really upset at the woman you share a roof with. Having kids may be a huge factor in your decision, but I don't think I could stay in such a situation with such a manipulative woman. You sound like a great dad to me, but I don't think it is fair to give your life up at your age (36-40). I know you don't believe in divorce (I'm a struggling Catholic myself--Catholic=NO divorce), but I defend a person's right to freedom and the pursuit of happiness beyond any other principle. I have been miserable for quite a while and am thinking of the best way to get out of the situation I'm in. Like I said I don't have kids and that makes things much easier. If you were to consider divorce would you like to keep your kids? Does your wife work at all? Any possibility she's with you just for the convenience of having everything that YOU work for? I am sorry if questions sound harsh, but I think it is important to explore all these things. I would hate for you to get screwed once again by this woman.

You are right!<br />
<br />
And also have a very funny writing style, I like it. I can tell that you are a nice, down to earth man who loves his family and doesn't ask for much. <br />
<br />
Yup...should I stay or should I go now?...that's the question many of us are asking ourselves.

Princess......you are no more naive then i am....for im the one who believed my wifes intentions for having the baby (eventhough i adore her) and the vacectomy....im the one who fell for her words....

Awhile back there was a story with many comments posted. I was shocked that a woman would convince a man to have himself "fixed" just so he couldn't have children with anyone else in case of a divorce. I'm still aghast. I can't believe the baby thing either. I guess I am naive...<br />
<br />
Princess

{{{HUGS}}} - wish we could help you solve your problems but in fact all we can do is send you our caring thoughts and reassure you that you are among friends.<br />
<br />
My marriage has been sexless for 12 years (I'm a woman) and I love my husband but I too feel this vast empty feeling you describe so well.<br />
<br />
One great gift EP gives us all is the opportunity to share stories, thoughts, felings and insights - all of which help us to clarify our own thoughts and feelings, and help us decide how to proceed with our lives. Stay with us and be our friend.

wow im sorry u went thru all that <br />
big hugs

thank you for your notes...though i am new here...your words are not the first i have heard that match your sentiment. And yes...i thank god for my girls....and yet i am between that rock and a hard place as to what to do...where to go from here. A the rock legends say...should i stay or should i go now?

My friend you have made the right conclussion. But alas you are not alone. Although i dont sleep on the couch i think it may be better than sleeping in the same bed and hearing the excuses you hear(i get them as well) you would be suprised how similar our lives are. My heart goes out to you as well.

Al I can say is great story and I have not had sex with my wife 4 7 years . 3 kids no more sex , we don't have 2 do it any more . Before that she was a wild cat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
I don't know if that helps or not .

Dear Chaos: I am so sorry. Hugs.<br />
<br />
Honestly, and I hate having to say it, but it sure sounds that way to me. Not a way to live my friend. In fact your existing. Thank God for your beautiful little girls.<br />
<br />
My heart goes out to you.

Welcome aboard.Your story is not unique as you can well see, but here we find that women suffer from this alos. It is not an exclusive males only club.