Married to a Sex Addict How Funny Is That!

Approximately six years ago I kicked my DH out of the house for having a sexual email correspondence.  To m ake an incredible long and painful story short we entered a 12 step group for sex addicts and their spouses.  We are still strong as partners and supporters of 12 steps and co parents but in the last six years we had  intercourse approximately five times.  It is just frustrating that he has soooo many rules and regulations regarding sex that it is not fun or spontaneous.  So we end up not doing it.

annie1212 annie1212
8 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Aha, yet another DSM quoter. Those who live and die by the DSM live in a tidy little world that contains all the answers. I wish the real world was like that.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the real world contains people like politicians who like to declare that alcoholism is not a disease, so that the veteran's hospitals don't have to pay for treating it. It contains people like Alcoholics Anonymous who believe that alcoholism is a moral failing, or a sign of weak will, that can only be treated through rabid application of faith.<br />
<br />
As it turns out, there is a place in the world of the DSM-IV for sexual addiction. It's considered a type of obsessive compulsive disorder even if it isn't specifically named. If you REALLY insist on numeric codes in order to properly pigeonhole your maladies, you can always rely upon the ICD-10, which cleanly identifies it as a code F52.7.

That's an interesting perspective, Lightcatcher. The argument about whether or not sex addiction is an actual disorder is similar to the arguments regarding whether or not alcoholism is a disease. There is definitely something going on there, but people waste way too much time arguing about how to categorize it. Some call it hypersexuality, others just call it immoral, depending on what kind of superiority that person gets their jollies off of. The role of endogenous conditioning, however, is both obvious and blatant in the phenomena.<br />
<br />
You're definitely right about the fear of intimacy, though. It can also be looked at as a fear of restriction, obligation, or limitation. Anything that decreases a sex addict's ability to seek more sex is going to be viewed similarly to how the average person views a jail cell. I can't even stand to walk into one, personally. <br />
<br />
Another factor is our society's habit of using sex as "relationship bait". Thou shalt not have sex unless thou art willing to support me for the rest of your life. If your foot gets caught in a bear trap every time you grab for a carrot, you're going to become very conflicted about carrots no matter how much you enjoy them. It becomes natural to start looking for the carrots that don't come with a bear trap.<br />
<br />
I'm also curious about the concept of Viagra not helping. I've never heard of a case where Viagra didn't provide a solution for ED presuming the plumbing itself wasn't damaged. To my (admittedly limited) knowledge, it's pretty reliable. Is this a clinical finding, or something based on personal experience?

As a secondary thought, most 12 step programs involve complete abstinence from whatever you're addicted to. For sex, that's just plain unhealthy, and can result in an increased incidence of prostate cancer among other things. <br />
<br />
Annie, I'm going to have to repeat my request for more information on this odd phenomena.

Zorbas gets an "A" for good visual language. :)

Strangeling....... you are a cornucopia of knowledge. Thanks for the information.

I'm with Zorbas. The rules and regulations thing sounds more like obsessive compulsive disorder than sex addiction.<br />
<br />
FYI, sex addiction is an endorphin thing, and can be treated with naltrexone or other opiate blockers. Google "naltrexone gambling addiction" for details. Gambling and sex are both endorphin conditioned behaviors, so they react the same way to endorphin blockers.

Seems a strange inconsistency here. Your both advocates of the 12 step course and I sincerely applaud you for being good co-parents as you say, but what rules and regulations are you referring to, if I may ask? You seem to have gone the full route in taking the proper course to set right his addiction. <br />
I am as confused now as you must be.

Addictions are complicated. I'm sorry you had to join us, but welcome. Maybe he feels he has to abstain from all sex, in in order to maintain? Just guessing here.