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I  just joined and am still getting to know the site.
Yesterday I put a post about having an affair with a mutual friend, It is in the adult bit of confessions.
Incredible to learn other people are in EXACTLY the same boat as me...Wife OK with sex b4 marriage, then it fizzled out.
Thank God for XXX DVDs.
I get sooooooo frustated listening to mates crap on about how they did this that or the other with wife/girlfriend/one nighter etc.
Ah, bollocks....
bandannaman bandannaman 41-45, M 64 Responses Jan 22, 2007

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Wow guys....this totally sucks. I get the other extremes...i want it too much. I ask " do you want a
bJ before work?" And all i get is a mean stare....and the " you are not funny." Well, i still ask every

I can't imagine that ever being my reaction to that question.

Story. Of. MY. Life!! I say these things to my husband in the most serious and seductive way I know possible, and he literally gets frustrated with me. I lashed out at him one day and just said, "You know what--PLEASE, go to work. Talk to your buddies. Ask THEM what their response would be to "Baby, can I please give you a bj before work?!" Ask THEM how many minutes they would be late for work, or if they'd even go in that day! Better yet--ask them if THEIR wives have ever said this to them..." He just rolled his eyes, said he didn't have time for this Bull*&^%. I said, "FINE. If any of them are shocked to hear that YOUR wife does--tell them where WE live!" He was pissed and left. I cried myself back to sleep.

Sex isn' evey thing in a marriage... at some point irt runs out for either him or her. That mus be why they sell so much Viagra and Cialis and sell so many copies of Shades Of Grey. It may not be every thing but it is important to creation. As we all get older the Libido diminishes, women go thru menopause and men sometimes can't get it up. When that happens it is time to find other mutual interests and think about rekindling the love, or was it lust, that brought you together. We have and life at 85 y/o couldn't be better!

Agreed. However, "premature octogenarianism" appears to be running ramptant through the lives of the 20, 30, 40 and 50 year old posters on this site.

I know this is an old post, but this is the best response I've ever heard regarding this.

Sex doesn't run out for all women who are in menopause. With some, sex becomes better and their libido becomes higher. Speaking from my own experience. If I had remained in my sexless marriage, I never would have known how much I still enjoyed sex.

I have friends -- male and female -- who are in their 70s and even in their early 80s who still are enjoying sex. Some need lubes or meds -- hormones or Viagra -- to help. Some don't need those things.

I guess the key here is to find someone who has an actual interest in being intimate. I don't see that ever happening around this house?

ah yes. some day it will naturaly diminish and end. No reason to throw the spouse out. However, at 33, still in my prime, my wife decides she needs to act like she is in her 70's. I suppose (hope?) someday she will realize how foolish it was to waste our sex life when it was still possible. Maybe it was just over for her, but I doubt it. Something more to the story?

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Yea I go to bed everynight wondering if this is the night I might get him to touch me...

my ex wife toward the end complained when i would walk by her and run my hand across her *** that i was treating her like a piece of meat. i was just trying to show her that after 19 years of marriage i still found her attractive. sigh the once every few month that we would have sex....she would just lay there....telling me she wasnt denying i should be happy. The loss of sex was the final straw....i put up with many other things....after lossing sex i started to think....what am i getting out of this marriage after 19 years....the answer was nothing. I wanted more than nothing. Man it was hard thinking about starting over at 41 after being married so long....I wasnt that good at dating in collage....doing it not after so long scared the hell out of me

My husband was never very sexual. But he had prostrate cancer right after we got married, 9 years ago . I said if we have no sex oh well, as long as hes ok. He was treated, and its still gone. And his ability to perform was as good as ever. Then a year after treatment he told me he felt badly bc he didnt think he was as good and would i mind not asking for it for a while?
Of course i said ok, and a year and a half goes by. Im on my new laptop, and all of the sudden, blue screen. I followed prompts, and 1000s of files are pulled up...,, and every **** site known to man! Hed told me to leave him alone in our first year of marriage, so he could find and look at others!!! What the hell? Forward 5 years. Hes disappearing for weeks at a time, until i caught him at a local ****** house. Where he stayed for a week. Am i still here? Yep. Why? Im disabled, he talked me into refinancing my home ive had for 25 years. Now i cant float the payments and can get no help. Anyone have a suggestion?

#1 - I would not mess with him until he is certified as without STDs. There iss no telling what he might have picked up while tom-catting around.
#2 - Tell him he is as good as ever, that he should not feel badly, that you misunderstood him when you stopped jumping his bones and you need him to do so now.
#3 - Do your disabilities affect your sex life?
#4 - It sounds like you are in a bad way with the house. Does he have any assets that you can sell? Is the house solely in your name? You may need to sell and downsize.

I know my refuser probably does it in the shower.

Do they honestly believe we will go without for the rest of our lives?

Seems they do! MY refuser has promised to hurt me bad if I mess around on her. Yet, she will not even let me sleep in her bed anymore? then she wonders why I avoid her all day! Duh!

It not n bollocks but something people do to relieve stress and if you don't like it and kill yourself.

I pretty much am honest. If im not having it here, im having it somewhere else.

It took me a while to gather the courage to stand up and tell the truth. My marrige wasnt what it should be, and though she was a great mother and a good partner we werent built to last. Now we can communicate better than we ever could, she's happy we divorced, and so am i. And i wont go on about how much fun a really good sex life can be, but..... seriously, you meet people who are looking to enjoy life without being tied to it. Its the way i was meant to live, i can tell that much!

they make you live in hope and leave you frustrated....

After a month of "not getting any?" Try over 70 months. Try going that length of time without nourishment. I bet I could roll over and "play dead" for that one...

I think at the "70 months celibacy program" I could try out to be a nun!

That recertifies you as a virgin doessnt it??? Ha!

70 wow, that seems like a long time....but thinking it over..not so bad. It has been so long for me, I don't think I could if I was offered it. Of course at 70 +, I am thinking your not really that into it (him) either? I know for me, she is last on my top ten list! lol

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I know where your ******* from...

Dude, once a woman gets security and comfort, she forgets who gave it to her and begins to bite the hand that feeds. I really don't understand women. If you treat them right, they treat you like sh/it, but if you treat them like sh/it they adore you. What the fu/ck is up with that? Just want you to know bro, theres another guy EXACTLY in the same boat with you.

i dont adore men who are mean

Thank you for being a good woman and not rewarding mean behavior by boys, I won't call them men, and I won't stoop to their level. I think many people confuse the boundaries of being "nice" and "mean". There are sometimes when my girlfriend wants me to dominate and be aggressive - I have no issue with that. But I understand that is a bedroom or role playing behavior and it belongs there. For the most part I treat her like the angel she is. And I adore it when she treats me as her knight in shining armor, but I also enjoy her wanting me to treat her like a ****. Does that make sense?

Thank you ... yes i catch a lot of flack from men because of it, they try to make me think they are not being abusive. when they clearly are ....

Perhaps some of the problems men have is their sources for sexual education and encounters with the opposite sex. Here's a little secret: girls in **** are paid to be unfortunately degraded. Most self-respecting wives want more out of sex than being some jerk's personal, objectified '****'. Contrary to the standard phallus-centered, infantile, selfish "sex scenes" in your adult movies, real life works a little differently. Women like a man who is interested in pleasuring them once in a while.

yes **** can convince you that women are for degrading. and only for a mans pleasure.

women want men to man up, but there is a fine line, be it in sex or being a good father or good husband.

as for my guy, I wish he would man up when it comes to the bed room !!

but he wont and im not going to beg!!!

He might very well be totally clueless and not thinking about sex at all. You can wait until the cows come home, but he may never initiate sex.

I recommend just getting into bed with him at night and simply starting what you want to happen. Forget about asking for it. Talk won't get you anywhere. Take charge and keep your fingers crossed.

Just one humble opinion from a man with an asexual wife.

Perhaps true with your personal experience... but I've supported and been our family's rock for the last 6 years while husband was busy running a construction business, being a firefighter and in the USAF Reserves... oh yeah, and having a year-long affair! I've done nothing but BE THERE for him and his 12 year-old kid who I adore, and I just found out about a week ago that he'd been having an affair. He barely has the energy to give me a good night kiss, let alone screw another woman. I'm furious about his behavior and don't understand the big why just yet. I know it wasn't me, as our sex life balance has always felt like I want it more than he does. That's especially what kills me.

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On ****...I don't think it is a big deal at all, unless he (or she) is using it to escape from their partner. I like ****, but sex with my wife (which we basically don't do now) is 100x better than ****. Of course, if you are not having sex with your SO, either because of physical distance, or because your partner does not want to have sex, then **** helps.

Your pain at braggarts is understandable. As a young adult I knew a guy (family we were friends with) who was skilled at getting girls in bed and enjoyed bragging about it. He also would fix up other guys with easy lays, but not me.

Were I to meet him on the street today I would not hesitate to put him in the hospital or the grave, no hesitation, just action.

i know how you feel it's driving me mad

its so confusing to be told how beautiful you are... how much he loves you... always, forever... and oh how i want you ... need you... im going to do this and that to you.... and you get married.. and thats that... all of a sudden he tells me.... i have to do this and that... your so annoying... you think with your *****.... I would snuggle up to him for just a loving cuddle after waiting 16 hrs for him to come home from work and when he thought i was sound asleep he practically threw my head off of him. This is after taking care of our baby all by my self, alone ... no help... i've given up everything thing i knew and had.. i know no body, have no friends....I don't understand how someone can be so heartless and cold?... we have sex maybe 8 times a year... it's pathetic... I feel like I've waisted years on him.. for nothing... I can't figure out why he won't just tell me.. he's not interested in me... or some real reason... gay?... idk... anything.. but let me out of my misery!

project omg i understand sooooo much of what you said...

my refuser has said the same... we ere going to do this/ that and go here and do that...... NOT!

i am now a caregiver for him because he had a heart /a do to smoking and sitting on his *** all day for years ...

Sweetheart, I feel your pain. I still have yet to find some answer.

why to have a wife?If dvds and right hands work so nice!!!

It gets boring

and you crave that human connection, just to let you know you can still feel, that you're still alive.

E-X-A-C-T-L-Y - well put 'rose

and it hurts when its something so small

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I have no desire to be with my man anymore. I was never crazy attracted to him, but I love him. We used to make love every other day on average, but it always seemed like I could just be a mannequin and he'd have just as much fun. I was very willing before I found out about his affair. Now, it's always an act on my part. It's not like it was with my first boyfriend. It's uncomfortable. What he seems to like hurts me. There is no loving touch. Even if he kisses me he seems to just shove his tongue in, leave it there and kind of just anchor his head on mine. It's .... not pleasurable. I'm okay because I love him and he will never hear from me that things aren't perfect, but I'm wondering if some of you men out there are not getting attention from your wives because that may be the problem. It's a chore for me. I get pleasure by myself. I wish I could want him again. I don't want a divorce, but I wish I could take a pill to make me want him. Is there viagara for women? He just isn't good at lovemaking. :(

Your husband probably is a terrible lover no matter who he is with.The troublesome part is that he doesn't seem to want to please you.

Stand up for what you want and need. If he stinks at lovemaking, you're the only one who can show him what you do like. Tell or show him exactly what to do. Respond to him in a way he understands and likes. Eventually, he should get the message and with your encouragement, you should start getting what you want.

I, for one, would have died and gone to heaven if my wife would even allow us to talk about what she likes and doesn't. Not a word. Everything I do is a guess. It worked for other women, but apparently not for her. I read everthing you wanted to know about sex, etc.; no help, nothing works.

If you tell him and show him exactly what you like and want and he still can't make you happy, he's hopeless. Or maybe wants you to initiate the divorce, so he can be the "victim" and not be the one to "give up".

Is it illegal to murder a sexless spouse...?

yep my guy is not good at the love making ... and im not good at teaching a grown *** man how to make love.... his hands feel like claws ... his fingers dig into me..uggggg

wow, that's terrible! I am so sorry. At least mine was good before he decided sex wasn't important.

Have you ever asked him to change his technique or do what pleasures you? Many men ignore such requests but there are the rare jewels out there who DO want to please you but they don't know how.

yes most men do ignore such requests, they see it as nagging

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if i had a friend who gave me sex once a week i would be a happy man and my marriage would be happier also but not paying for sex

if i had a friend who gave me sex once a week without paying for it i would be in a happier marriage

On the opposite boat... my husband lost lust in me. He prefers **** to me... and I seduce him a lot...


Except for medical cases, a marriage that lacks sex or even just hugs/cuddles/kisses can display a range of deeper problems. Apparently, there is an emotional disconnection .I think good communication can lessen the gravity of a dying marriage and bridge that emotional gap .

Tired of talking just want a woman who undestands i'm maried and just want to satisfy our desires together........wether online by webcam or in person point me ladies.

I would be in absolute exctasy if I were hugged, kissed. Getting pretty pathetic!

I am amazed at how any of us live in these types of situation and I guess tolerate it. I may analyze mine too much. The bottom line for me is my self esteem is slipping away. There isan occassional cuddling, but no french kissing, not touching of the breast or anywhere else for that matter, and the explanation is "she feels dead as a woman" due to menopause. Now understand that my wife is 61 and absolutely a beautiful and delicious woman, The touch of her skin is like a drug to me and even though I require the little blue pill now and then a lot of touching and passionate kissing makes them unnecessary. I sometimes wonder if it's truly menopause or some deep desire she has to use me as a payback for all the abusive relationships she has had prior to meeting me.
Or maybe since she knows I have such a strong sexual appetite thinks if she witholds sex and intimacy from me I will go out and find someone and she will be done with me or have a reason to throw me out. See what the mind can do to a person and as a man a little more of me dies out each day. I want to be with her to the death and of that I am certain. Several months back I was told I have a very rare form of cancer and began treatment and now with 14 chemo treatments underm my belt the desire to be ciddle and higged and loved has never been stronger , also since things have a tendency to work a litlle slower , help is needed sometimes to stimualte the situation . Forget it , to touch me means i will get excited and then want sex. I cry I feel sorry for myself , but even with the lack of intimacy I have been able to keeo a very positive attitude and that as my doctor and nurse say is what has gotten me through this with no issues at all.I have gained 5 pounds and still feel very healthy.
As I hope all this passes this is what I have done and continue to do each and every day, in the hope that the wife will weaken and someday say to herself "what am I doing to this poor man"
For 11 years that we have been married she get a card for the day we moved in together and one for our anniversay never have missed, not once. The same for birthdays Christmas and any other occassion that comes along.
There has never been a day were I have not said I love and mean it. Or told her what a beautiful and delicious woman she is and how most woman would kill to look liek she does at her age. I keep my place, nerver touching her or grabbing her(not cause I don't want to) and only ask for sex on the weekend cause that's all that acceptable. Sometimes it happens most of the time it's a temper tantrum. I would love to go down on her and just spend hours getting her aroused if allowed and I don't care if ends in penetration of not , I want to give amd feel the passion, It was there once, many times she would come home from work and go to change in the bedroom and I would take her right there and she would allow and welcome it, How deos that all change so drastically. I cannot believe the woman who are turned down by their husbands , do the husbands realize if they gave in what pleasure awaits them especially when a woman has been holding back.
Sorry to ramble but I think you see the frustration and hurt that is building inside of me. This cancer is pretty much under control and there have been days I wish it wsn't so there was an end date to all this sexless living

I totally feel you and understand you. funny how my sensual nature gets more time to play when I dance than I've ever had in marriage.
very sad.

seems like most of mysexual experiences have been ************, cyber and phone sex since I was a teen. for over half my life. pretty sad.

hang in there - stay strong

hehe thanx

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<p>&nbsp;<p>I must be one of a small group, who doesn't turn the rejection into hating my self, I like who I am, faults and all... <br />
I do feel bad about not having a relationship, not being able to have a life full of love and warmth, where I'm not able to express my sexuality freely.... not even in a small way, with the one i choose to make a life with. <br />
sad, so very sad</p><p></p>

maybe your friends are lying about the all nighters LOL ;) Lots of frustrated people on here. I am new as well :)

Lots? What you think in percentages?


My right hand is my main sex partner, though occasionally I'd cheat on my right hand with my left.

Mr. Hitachi's magical wand is my favorite friend.
I think your right hand will forgive you for the left hand occasional fling.

Yes but **** only gets you so far. I never thought I would be saying this but I think I'm getting sick of my vibrator! lol


so sad but true( regarding those overused household appliances) but a good sturdy, plug in
hand tool does keep one from going absolutely bonkers.

My husband complains that we only have sex 3 times a week on average, sometimes more. And he still complains..... Now that I am pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and we have been forbidden to have sex until at least 14 weeks he ******* everyday. Man he should talk to one of you guys maybe he'll finally shut up.

Let him talk to me. You still love him? xW

Sounds abnormal on the opposite end of the spectrum.. I agree with you. In relationships I have dealt with that as well.

My husband complains that we only have sex 3 times a week on average, sometimes more. And he still complains..... Now that I am pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and we have been forbidden to have sex until at least 14 weeks he ******* everyday. Man he should talk to one of you guys maybe he'll finally shut up.

this is why people should live together for at least two years before marrying, need to determine if your sex drives are compatible

this is why people should live together for at least two years before marrying, need to determine if your sex drives are compatible

I love sex...I am 54 years old and have lived in a sexless marriage, for 14 years (married 17). While someday, I too, will tell my story, I have found my desires increasing, instead of decreasing!! I want a LTR with someone great, but finding someone at this point to meet MY needs on a consistent and loving basis is just a pipe dream!! I don't think men like sexually aggressive and confident women.

I don't know about sexually aggressive but, I am not so sure about men not liking a confident woman

I do.

Hmm ... a woman who knows what she likes and goes about getting it. And it is sex with me.

Nope, I have no problem with that at all! Sounds like a dream come true!

I am close to the male equivalent of you. Wife, before she decided she wanted to bang another man, out of the blue kicked me out of her house. All I was doing was paying the mortgage, doing almost all of the chores, and giving her massages a few times a week. So then she, after limiting me to sex about once a month or so, figured she would be happier with her ex-husband, the one she told me abused her. Great. So I got ****** over by me ex-wife, but NOT the way I wanted, and now I have to pick up the pieces. And I bet if you asked her if she did me wrong in any way, she would look you right in the eyes and say "No". To say I have trust issues, and my self confidence has taken a huge hit, would be a massive understatement. To top it all off, she got the dog. And that galls me to no end. Do I feel anger towards my soon-to-be-ex-wife? More than anyone can possibly imagine.

I know that this is really sounds cliche. But you have to let it go as soon as you are able or you will not heal. BTW, what a dumb *** to go back into an abusive relationship!

Sadly enough I can imagine. xW

Best thing you can do is get away from that soon-to-be-ex-wife and lock it in your mind that it was nothing more than a short-term relationship. Get it behind you, don't let it define you, look to the future.

Once you can get over the bad relationship (in the time that you need to get over it), move on. Don't dwell on the past, except for a short period of time to help you learn not to repeat your mistakes.

Keep thinking about her and she will continue to screw up your life.

Not only does my husband not want sex with me but he is repulsed by my sexuality. He is highly romantic and sees sex as beautiful. i am more hedonistic. I love to read about, watch ****, role play, and have fun ... with someone I care about. Sex with him was a disappointment ... during chidbearing (mommy) years I didn't desire it. Now that kids are old I feel 21 again. I feel that life is closing in on me, that I only have a few years left that I look halfway decent. I want sex again and often (3 times a week). Husband says "I'm sick". He doesn't want it but 4 times a year and thats only missionary and he finishes in 10 minutes. So I have had a string of affairs. Finally I found someone I care about and love. We've been together a few years. <br />
<br />
I don't know if men take it as personally as women do when they are rejected. Husband makes me feel slutty and ugly and cheap cause of things I wanted to do in bed. I want to leave but I fear that while there are plenty of men wanting to get their rocks off with me, will there be any that truly care about me ... at my age. When husband makes fun of my sagging breasts .. thats the worse. I'm very conscious of how perky over 40 women are to us 50 somethings. Whateverrrr.....

I have a sexless marriage. We tried to ignite it again in 2009 --OMG what a failure for us both. Now we do our own thing to satisify ourselves. What i do miss are the cuddles, snuggles, touching, words that make me feel cherished and loved. I end up having online affairs to fill the emptiness. Its not his fault or mine--the chemistry is not there anymore. The marriage is good in many other ways...but I must admit..if i was younger, I would leave.

If you finish to quick, drink to much, only communicate when your 'in the mood' never/refuse want to make dates/time with spouse, women are sexual creatures also. Men can be frigid also. Please I hope someday I can have a real relationship with someone who WANTS to be with me. Im trapped in a lifeless, loveless, sexless single life now...Its depressing to never feel loved/special by anybody. Yes my kids love me but their older now (divorced 10yrs)

Yes I agree taking care of yourself is no substitute. I think single people don't get that. I think when you've been married, especially for a long time, you crave the connection as much as the physical stimulation. I used to be able to reach a climax by taking care of myself, and now I can't really. Or maybe I kind of do, but it is just not satisfying. So I know how stuck you all feel! Also, women might put up (or maybe not) with a **** habit, but imagine walking in on your wife watching a video and pleasuring herself? My husband has outright told me he doesn't approve of my taking care of affairs on my own - even though he refuses!

OMG! Same situation here! So what does one do? I need a little soundproof room to go to and deal with my own needs.

Philjay72 has it right. I hope to feel human again and I'd love it to be with my wife.

I am with Mary...DVD's suck....I want a real person to hold, kiss, respond to my desires.<br />
This totally sucks.

I don't understand why my H was that way. Great with it before marriage then after he put the ring on... nothing for a few months. It is so far and few between I don’t have to worry about sons hearing us at all. Now 6yrs and I am so OVER IT! I just want a man to desire me and show me how desperate his is to have me. Is that so wrong?

I feel its important to balance your family ; personal ; and business life equally to be relaxed and happy with each of them. So do what is right for you to ensure that happens. I feel others should not impose their values on you.

Wow well i have a completely different story to throw into this incredible pot of simmering sexless frustration. My husband and i have incredible sex. He is a machine. We have been together 10 years. He will go day and night and the more we get the more we want from each other. But every other aspect of our marriage is in tatters. I used to think 'oh well, but we have great sex'. But i put up with all sorts of things i shouldn't put up with because of that. Then last year i discovered (or admitted i think) i love being milked and disclosed this to my husband and he ridiculed me and thought i was sick! Devastated and abused don't even come close to explaining how I felt. After all the sexual pleasure he has received from me as i love to serve. So i began to look out side the marriage. It is not easy though cos having occasional contact is not as sexually enriching as the when you are intimately involved. Also wanting an ANR you need a commited partner. I have been seeing my milker for a year now and have become incredibly attached to him. He does not go for hours like my husband, nor is he as large. BUT he will milk me, he suckles on me, he holds me close and touches me after sex My husband knows some thing is up cos i want him less and less and pine to be with my milker and that is the problem when you look for sex out side of marriage. How awesome if it was acceptable. Some times people are deeply committed to the family unit but they are desperately unhappy without sex, or with differing sexual needs. How wonderful if we were secure enough in ourselves to allow three or more partners in the marriage so that it is open and no one is hurt, and you don't have to 'CHOOSE' which one you want. but society isn't geared for that. Even in cultures where you have multiple partners you keep them separate! So for the sake of sex we break up the family unit. Bizarre! I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to comment.

OMG I have another take to throw into this incredible pot of simmering sexless marriage frustration. My husband and i have incredible sex. He is a machine, a stud. Can go for hours and the more we get the more we want. BUT nothing else works in our marriage. For the last ten years i have been putting up with a man who gets every thing he wants and has made no changes that mean some thing to me. I THOUGHT 'oh well at least we have great sex' for so long. Then last year when i finally came out and told him i had discovered that i have a need for ANR and asked him to milk me, he refused and thought i was sick. AFTER all the sexual things i have done to please him. Flawed doesn't begin to describe it. So like so many do i started to look outside the marriage. Trouble is i can't be intimate with people i see occassionally like I was able to be with my husband. And to have an Adult feeding relationship you need to have a committed partner to be there. But i found a milker. We are not able to meet a lot but when we do, all my frustrations and disappointments melt. I have become incredibly attached to him. He does not go for hours like my husband did, he is not as large as my husband is, but he holds me, and he loves to touch me after sex. My husband knows there is something up because i turn to him less and less and this is the problem with having affairs and falling in love out side the marriage. I envy couples who are secure enough to be open and have three or more people in the marriage together. But that is so taboo. Even where men have multiple wives they do not serve them all together. There are couples who love each other desperately but the sex drive between them is a sticking point. How nice if they could share the act of pleasuring their partner so that the intimacy remained. I have to admit, even though i fantasise about that, i would hate to see my partner being pleasured by another. We have been conditioned to believe that marriage is about ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN. So for the sake of sex we break our family units up. I don't get it. But i am going through it myself. Bizaar

I think if you are this miserable in your marriage you should move on. You said your husband treats you well but you are not having all of your needs met. My husband treats me well and we are good friends but I need the connection that sex with the person you love brings. I have been missing that connection for years and a couple of years ago I went outside the marriage to find it. It really didn't resolve my issues and only created more issues. I now see I need to be on my own and live independently. As much as I don't want to hurt my husband and son, I have to start looking out for me. I have given up a lot for this marriage and I really have not been given all that much in return for the sacrifices I have made. I hope after all this time since you posted this you have moved on.

I thank the heavens for all the XXX material and also what my brain spits up as well. Only problem is the carpal tunnel and tennis elbow that have been the result of this sexless marriage!

OK men, I am sorry your wives won't I just don't understand. I am in the opposite situation, my hubby will have what I call "pity" sex with me every few months or so, just to shut my nagging/pleading, begging. Prior to our marriage 26 years ago we had sex at least once a day, that is what I signed up for not this. Men can you believe I take care of myself a few times a week while he lays asleep right next to me in bed for over 20 years!!! It takes care of the need to release but not the need for human touch and the intimacy a man can give.

Well, as an older guy like others, my wife has refused me for the past 16 years. I found that ************ is not the answer. A man needs a soft body beside him to cuddle with. So I decided that, even though I love my wife very much and would never leave her, I would see what I could find outside my home. Boy, was I ever surprized. There are a lot of women who's husbands don't give them any sex or loving. So I was pleased to help them out. If there are any more on this forum who need help in this way let me kinow. I will help in any way I can.

Looking4GreenerGrass said a very true statement. Many married men have forgotten the value of simple ************.

Looking4GreenerGrass said a very true statement. Many married men have forgotten the value of simple ************.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't. If I can and he is open to it, I surely would like to connect to him, maybe he is able to explain to a man what is causing this behavior? I will not disrespect him in any way, there is always, i've come to understand, a reason. Often reasons you really can understand. Non the less, I stay with my opinion that if so, whatever ligated reason, one cannot and should not deprive his or her partner of basic sexual needs. These are normal human needs and very often, as said several times over here, people tend to find different ways. Or stay "faithful" whatever the meaning of the word still holds in these circumstances, being faithful works 2 ways!! Next to all of this, these situations bring severe psychological damage to everyone involved. I can't read all the posts of course, so maybe I missed it, but the children also pick up those things, as they do not grow up in a healthy family situation. I am not in this situation, I think to little people like me post in these cases. I'll open a group and I'll point you at it. Who knows what might come out of it.<br />
I wish you all the best you can find in this world.xW

I wish my husband thought like you do.

Why, if someone does not want sex anymore, allows the partner to have a relation on the side? You just are not allowed to deprive someone, certainly not your loved one, of a healthy sexual relation one way or the other. As is the other way around, you are not allowed to ask something the other can not give. Real love is giving (or allowing) the other at least his or her basic needs aswel.

I didn't get married to play with toys by myself. I wish I could meet someone else in a simular situation. I don't want to leave my kids....but I'm NOT going to go without sex for years...

Wow and I thought 10 years of marital abstenance was too much! I came to the conclusion that before we were married, while things seemed great, I was always the instigator and the time he asked me what was wrong with me, why couldn;t I leave him alone, was I a rabbit (in other words over sexed) I should have listened and left and found a new boyfriend, at that time. So now after 30 years of about once a year sex and then nothing for the last ten years I am moving on. I am still young enough to enjoy myself and find fact.. I have and he is ten years younger than I am. I am presently researching what I need to know before filing for divorce and even if this new man is not Mr Forever. I will know that at one time I was attractive enough for someone to NOT ignore.

Goode2 oh my god 15 years straight! I have to honestly say, that's amazing and I hope he changes his ways fast.

My world would be complete, to be with a man, who had a similar outlook on this, as Philjay!!! And it bugs the HELL outta me, that I read, so many stories, from husbands who's wives are the refusers! For me, it was my husband, and I left! The world would be a MUCH happier place, if we all had a lot more S*E*X! lol but then, that's just my opinion! How we find ourselves with some incompatible partners just baffles me! But I can tell you...i've learnt my lesson! My lord....whoever i decide to 'settle down' with next (if that ever happens) gonna have to have a similar sex drive to me....but how do u really ever know this? Like some have said on other posts....for some people, after that initial 'honeymoon phase'...desire dwindles....well it DOESNT for me! ggrrrrr its like a big old game of chess (and i'm RUBBISH at chess) lol

I agree. My wife is either teaching me a valuable lesson or ruining my future. I'm not sure which. I don't think I have it in me to ever remarry.

My mate actually bought me a comes in

Omg! They are expensive as hell! He rather pays for that than give you what you need? If it was both I could understand but.....

There are physical issues on his part that started this whole thing. He was concerned I would look elsewhere. We have cuddling, kisses, and occasional sex. As frustrating as it can be I don't not want to be without him in my life otherwise.

What is a Sybian?

Great post Philjay!

Our councellor highlighted to us y'day for men certainly a sexless (near to sexless) relationship deminishes masculinty. I would agree but only to a certain extent. I definatley do not fit with the traditional role of what a man is supposed to do ! From my profession to the role I take in the home and family are all non-trad and post-feminism. I am sorry ! I love sex. and I love sex with the woman I love. When I was younger and much more stupid I had daliances that proved to me the difference. It wasnt the same. Sometimes you just want a quicky, sometimes you want to be climbed on, sometimes you want a cuddle and kiss and be intimate 1st and sometimes you want to be p*rno dirty. It doesnt matter 1) as long as it's what you both want and 2) its with someone you love and 3) it happens mutually regulary for you both to be satisfied. No amount of toys, films or freebie internet sites make up for this. That is why we are all here because if it did we'd be doing that and not posting here. Why couldnt I think of this to say to her y'day? She was a woman so I dont know if she understands that men want the ultimate emotional connection that sex brings as much as women and if they dont get sex they dont feel loved and cherished / looked after as much than if they did. This is NOT about masculinty is it? Its about being human?

the not getting enough sex makes me feel unloved and unwanted.I start snapping at him and this is the reason.
I wish I could make him want me the way I want him.
we have only been together a year and a half and the first 9months I was pregnant and he was very loving. since the baby was born. he kisses me goodbye and occasionally we have sex. I am so deprived by then that I feel like crying.

im sorry to hear your you think he is having an affair?

I agree... I don't just want sex... I love my husband, and I just want him! To share the warmth of a loving intimate relationship... I want the emotional part combined w/ the physical part... with him =)

So true that this is about being human! As a woman who until
recently lived in a same-sex sexless marriage i totally agree with that. Also I have through the years been blessed with many close straight male friends that all agree with me - we all want the real thing, man or woman, straight or gay. All the other stuff is second best even if it might get you through the night. To all you nice men out there - you do deserve to live with women that really loves you.

( I have another post on here somewhere) here's a real slap in the face I had received from my husband. one day when the subject of our lack of intimacy and his lack of desire, he said he could get me a male prostitute to take care of my "problem".
Number one no effort on his part to embrace my needs, but the insult of thinking that he or I would have to pay for it??!! Awful. I'm attractive, young (48) and I could certainly do well enough on my own, thank you very much.
Toys and vids are ok, but there no replacement for the warmth embrace, touch, gaze, and intensity of a human to human connection...which I miss terribly.

I know the feeling!! There is NOTHING, I'm finding, more miserable than wanting someone you love SO badly, and knowing they don't want you the same!! I've never experienced this before and it SUCKS!!! It's beyond frustrating and awful to know you can't MAKE someone feel the same way about you that you do about them, isn't it?!!

Time that we were open and honest about our desires and needs - still have that fear of rejection holding us back. When both men and women stop playing emotional games with each other and spend more time seeking intimacy and affection - mankind will evolve. might even bring about world peace. Be too busy in bed to fight ;)

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I'm so tired of counting on a toy to pleasure myself and at the point of hooking up with the real thing. Hubby is always tired or his meds or some ***** complaint. Tried of the complaints! I want action, why is it I have to give it up because he doesn't want it. I'm an attractive woman, take care of myself all kids are grown and gone. 15 years of no sex is pushing me in to an affair.

I have a ife that doesn't want it too ! I am VERY tired of it. I have had some flings, but I really want her to want me. That just isn't going to happen. She thinks that sex is for younger people. She says that we're not Spring chickens anymore. I am so disappointed !!!!

The thing is, I find that ************ is only a short term solution. I read that its a scientific fact that your body knows the difference between that and the real thing. Over time, ************ alone just won't cut it and you'll find that you need the real thing.<br />
<br />
This is my first post on this board, but I'll be putting my story up here someday soon.

datajanitor....tell us whats your story....share it hehehe

************, for the spouse stuck in a sexless marriage, is a godsend!

I cannot believe that so many women complain about lack of sex here. As a man experiencing total abstainence from a wife for years I can only say how stupid your husbands are for passing you by. I would rejoice having a wife interested in sex.<br />
<br />
I have lived in a sexless mariage for years but was again fortunate to travel on business frequently. During those times I found solace in a multitude of warm embraces. We while I am not proud of having to find other sources for my needs, it made life a little easier.<br />
<br />
I wish you all well and hope that you will find someone or something that will allieviate some of your frustrations

That is why women find it harder to be rejected, for years it has been a rolling joke about the wife with the headache and the poor man not being able to get any, I have a headache about twice a year and I find sex cures it anyway.Men are supposed to be sex mad so if yours won't you have to go through the questions about how horrible you must be for a male to refuse sex with a woman!
P.S I don't judge your affairs, I wish I was confident enough to have one.x

Me too!

you hit the nail on the head. thanks for posting this.

I have a headache every day of my life and I have never turned down sex - not once, ever. There were times I should have but then, my ex never cared how sick I was as long as he got off.

So the thing about women always refusing kind of ****** me off.

Good for you! xxxW

Exceptions make the rule! xW

Definitely; sex cures headaches!That is a proven fact. No fun intended. xW

I agree! What a sham is this whole "women never want it and men can't get enough" message. I'd never turn him down, even if my legs were being amputated! Gads! It is the pits to be rejected by your spouse!

I too live in a sexless marriage( three year drought followed by two attempts with ED) not even an whisper of interest in the past 7 months. I find it too demeaning to be rejected when I try to initiate. After so long, I feel no desire for him. I went on a trip and the first time in twenty years felt desired by quite a few men, one lucky guy got the full benefit of all that frustration I'm sure we both still have bruises 3 days later and so far no guilt but the fear of getting caught.

Spiderb hit it right on the head! I've been so hurt over the rejection that if the man doesn't make the first move, then I'm too afraid of being rejected again that I wont ask a guy for an affair. I have the biggest crush on my mechanic, but I can not ask him out or do anything more than mild flirting cause if he turns me down, on top of being turned down by my husband--it would be too much for me to bear.

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I just don't care for the DVDs...I want the real thing.

Me too. I tried the romance novels, but they have now become boring. I can't cuddle a book.

How would you describe yourself than? As a cuckold? Or just as someone not been seen. Or....(your choice now ;-) ) xW

we must thank god he made ways to gratify ourselves when we don't have a partner to help....

You do have a partner he or she doesn't cooperate to say the least, I know the stories; I divorced the lady; still love her though, but a relation without sex can't be called a relation. When one wants to involve God in this matter; "This is not what He meant it to be". xW

There are a lot of us out there but it still does not make the situation any better.

I in same boat thank God for xxxxx DVD & right hand!