See Secrets

I  just joined and am still getting to know the site.
Yesterday I put a post about having an affair with a mutual friend, It is in the adult bit of confessions.
Incredible to learn other people are in EXACTLY the same boat as me...Wife OK with sex b4 marriage, then it fizzled out.
Thank God for XXX DVDs.
I get sooooooo frustated listening to mates crap on about how they did this that or the other with wife/girlfriend/one nighter etc.
Ah, bollocks....
bandannaman bandannaman
41-45, M
61 Responses Jan 22, 2007

If you finish to quick, drink to much, only communicate when your 'in the mood' never/refuse want to make dates/time with spouse, women are sexual creatures also. Men can be frigid also. Please I hope someday I can have a real relationship with someone who WANTS to be with me. Im trapped in a lifeless, loveless, sexless single life now...Its depressing to never feel loved/special by anybody. Yes my kids love me but their older now (divorced 10yrs)

Yes I agree taking care of yourself is no substitute. I think single people don't get that. I think when you've been married, especially for a long time, you crave the connection as much as the physical stimulation. I used to be able to reach a climax by taking care of myself, and now I can't really. Or maybe I kind of do, but it is just not satisfying. So I know how stuck you all feel! Also, women might put up (or maybe not) with a **** habit, but imagine walking in on your wife watching a video and pleasuring herself? My husband has outright told me he doesn't approve of my taking care of affairs on my own - even though he refuses!

OMG! Same situation here! So what does one do? I need a little soundproof room to go to and deal with my own needs.

Philjay72 has it right. I hope to feel human again and I'd love it to be with my wife.

I am with Mary...DVD's suck....I want a real person to hold, kiss, respond to my desires.<br />
This totally sucks.

I don't understand why my H was that way. Great with it before marriage then after he put the ring on... nothing for a few months. It is so far and few between I don’t have to worry about sons hearing us at all. Now 6yrs and I am so OVER IT! I just want a man to desire me and show me how desperate his is to have me. Is that so wrong?

I feel its important to balance your family ; personal ; and business life equally to be relaxed and happy with each of them. So do what is right for you to ensure that happens. I feel others should not impose their values on you.

Wow well i have a completely different story to throw into this incredible pot of simmering sexless frustration. My husband and i have incredible sex. He is a machine. We have been together 10 years. He will go day and night and the more we get the more we want from each other. But every other aspect of our marriage is in tatters. I used to think 'oh well, but we have great sex'. But i put up with all sorts of things i shouldn't put up with because of that. Then last year i discovered (or admitted i think) i love being milked and disclosed this to my husband and he ridiculed me and thought i was sick! Devastated and abused don't even come close to explaining how I felt. After all the sexual pleasure he has received from me as i love to serve. So i began to look out side the marriage. It is not easy though cos having occasional contact is not as sexually enriching as the when you are intimately involved. Also wanting an ANR you need a commited partner. I have been seeing my milker for a year now and have become incredibly attached to him. He does not go for hours like my husband, nor is he as large. BUT he will milk me, he suckles on me, he holds me close and touches me after sex My husband knows some thing is up cos i want him less and less and pine to be with my milker and that is the problem when you look for sex out side of marriage. How awesome if it was acceptable. Some times people are deeply committed to the family unit but they are desperately unhappy without sex, or with differing sexual needs. How wonderful if we were secure enough in ourselves to allow three or more partners in the marriage so that it is open and no one is hurt, and you don't have to 'CHOOSE' which one you want. but society isn't geared for that. Even in cultures where you have multiple partners you keep them separate! So for the sake of sex we break up the family unit. Bizarre! I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to comment.

OMG I have another take to throw into this incredible pot of simmering sexless marriage frustration. My husband and i have incredible sex. He is a machine, a stud. Can go for hours and the more we get the more we want. BUT nothing else works in our marriage. For the last ten years i have been putting up with a man who gets every thing he wants and has made no changes that mean some thing to me. I THOUGHT 'oh well at least we have great sex' for so long. Then last year when i finally came out and told him i had discovered that i have a need for ANR and asked him to milk me, he refused and thought i was sick. AFTER all the sexual things i have done to please him. Flawed doesn't begin to describe it. So like so many do i started to look outside the marriage. Trouble is i can't be intimate with people i see occassionally like I was able to be with my husband. And to have an Adult feeding relationship you need to have a committed partner to be there. But i found a milker. We are not able to meet a lot but when we do, all my frustrations and disappointments melt. I have become incredibly attached to him. He does not go for hours like my husband did, he is not as large as my husband is, but he holds me, and he loves to touch me after sex. My husband knows there is something up because i turn to him less and less and this is the problem with having affairs and falling in love out side the marriage. I envy couples who are secure enough to be open and have three or more people in the marriage together. But that is so taboo. Even where men have multiple wives they do not serve them all together. There are couples who love each other desperately but the sex drive between them is a sticking point. How nice if they could share the act of pleasuring their partner so that the intimacy remained. I have to admit, even though i fantasise about that, i would hate to see my partner being pleasured by another. We have been conditioned to believe that marriage is about ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN. So for the sake of sex we break our family units up. I don't get it. But i am going through it myself. Bizaar

I think if you are this miserable in your marriage you should move on. You said your husband treats you well but you are not having all of your needs met. My husband treats me well and we are good friends but I need the connection that sex with the person you love brings. I have been missing that connection for years and a couple of years ago I went outside the marriage to find it. It really didn't resolve my issues and only created more issues. I now see I need to be on my own and live independently. As much as I don't want to hurt my husband and son, I have to start looking out for me. I have given up a lot for this marriage and I really have not been given all that much in return for the sacrifices I have made. I hope after all this time since you posted this you have moved on.

I thank the heavens for all the XXX material and also what my brain spits up as well. Only problem is the carpal tunnel and tennis elbow that have been the result of this sexless marriage!

OK men, I am sorry your wives won't I just don't understand. I am in the opposite situation, my hubby will have what I call "pity" sex with me every few months or so, just to shut my nagging/pleading, begging. Prior to our marriage 26 years ago we had sex at least once a day, that is what I signed up for not this. Men can you believe I take care of myself a few times a week while he lays asleep right next to me in bed for over 20 years!!! It takes care of the need to release but not the need for human touch and the intimacy a man can give.

Well, as an older guy like others, my wife has refused me for the past 16 years. I found that ************ is not the answer. A man needs a soft body beside him to cuddle with. So I decided that, even though I love my wife very much and would never leave her, I would see what I could find outside my home. Boy, was I ever surprized. There are a lot of women who's husbands don't give them any sex or loving. So I was pleased to help them out. If there are any more on this forum who need help in this way let me kinow. I will help in any way I can.

Looking4GreenerGrass said a very true statement. Many married men have forgotten the value of simple ************.

Looking4GreenerGrass said a very true statement. Many married men have forgotten the value of simple ************.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't. If I can and he is open to it, I surely would like to connect to him, maybe he is able to explain to a man what is causing this behavior? I will not disrespect him in any way, there is always, i've come to understand, a reason. Often reasons you really can understand. Non the less, I stay with my opinion that if so, whatever ligated reason, one cannot and should not deprive his or her partner of basic sexual needs. These are normal human needs and very often, as said several times over here, people tend to find different ways. Or stay "faithful" whatever the meaning of the word still holds in these circumstances, being faithful works 2 ways!! Next to all of this, these situations bring severe psychological damage to everyone involved. I can't read all the posts of course, so maybe I missed it, but the children also pick up those things, as they do not grow up in a healthy family situation. I am not in this situation, I think to little people like me post in these cases. I'll open a group and I'll point you at it. Who knows what might come out of it.<br />
I wish you all the best you can find in this world.xW

I wish my husband thought like you do.

Why, if someone does not want sex anymore, allows the partner to have a relation on the side? You just are not allowed to deprive someone, certainly not your loved one, of a healthy sexual relation one way or the other. As is the other way around, you are not allowed to ask something the other can not give. Real love is giving (or allowing) the other at least his or her basic needs aswel.

I didn't get married to play with toys by myself. I wish I could meet someone else in a simular situation. I don't want to leave my kids....but I'm NOT going to go without sex for years...

Wow and I thought 10 years of marital abstenance was too much! I came to the conclusion that before we were married, while things seemed great, I was always the instigator and the time he asked me what was wrong with me, why couldn;t I leave him alone, was I a rabbit (in other words over sexed) I should have listened and left and found a new boyfriend, at that time. So now after 30 years of about once a year sex and then nothing for the last ten years I am moving on. I am still young enough to enjoy myself and find fact.. I have and he is ten years younger than I am. I am presently researching what I need to know before filing for divorce and even if this new man is not Mr Forever. I will know that at one time I was attractive enough for someone to NOT ignore.

Goode2 oh my god 15 years straight! I have to honestly say, that's amazing and I hope he changes his ways fast.

My world would be complete, to be with a man, who had a similar outlook on this, as Philjay!!! And it bugs the HELL outta me, that I read, so many stories, from husbands who's wives are the refusers! For me, it was my husband, and I left! The world would be a MUCH happier place, if we all had a lot more S*E*X! lol but then, that's just my opinion! How we find ourselves with some incompatible partners just baffles me! But I can tell you...i've learnt my lesson! My lord....whoever i decide to 'settle down' with next (if that ever happens) gonna have to have a similar sex drive to me....but how do u really ever know this? Like some have said on other posts....for some people, after that initial 'honeymoon phase'...desire dwindles....well it DOESNT for me! ggrrrrr its like a big old game of chess (and i'm RUBBISH at chess) lol

I agree. My wife is either teaching me a valuable lesson or ruining my future. I'm not sure which. I don't think I have it in me to ever remarry.

My mate actually bought me a comes in

Omg! They are expensive as hell! He rather pays for that than give you what you need? If it was both I could understand but.....

There are physical issues on his part that started this whole thing. He was concerned I would look elsewhere. We have cuddling, kisses, and occasional sex. As frustrating as it can be I don't not want to be without him in my life otherwise.

What is a Sybian?

Great post Philjay!

Our councellor highlighted to us y'day for men certainly a sexless (near to sexless) relationship deminishes masculinty. I would agree but only to a certain extent. I definatley do not fit with the traditional role of what a man is supposed to do ! From my profession to the role I take in the home and family are all non-trad and post-feminism. I am sorry ! I love sex. and I love sex with the woman I love. When I was younger and much more stupid I had daliances that proved to me the difference. It wasnt the same. Sometimes you just want a quicky, sometimes you want to be climbed on, sometimes you want a cuddle and kiss and be intimate 1st and sometimes you want to be p*rno dirty. It doesnt matter 1) as long as it's what you both want and 2) its with someone you love and 3) it happens mutually regulary for you both to be satisfied. No amount of toys, films or freebie internet sites make up for this. That is why we are all here because if it did we'd be doing that and not posting here. Why couldnt I think of this to say to her y'day? She was a woman so I dont know if she understands that men want the ultimate emotional connection that sex brings as much as women and if they dont get sex they dont feel loved and cherished / looked after as much than if they did. This is NOT about masculinty is it? Its about being human?

the not getting enough sex makes me feel unloved and unwanted.I start snapping at him and this is the reason.
I wish I could make him want me the way I want him.
we have only been together a year and a half and the first 9months I was pregnant and he was very loving. since the baby was born. he kisses me goodbye and occasionally we have sex. I am so deprived by then that I feel like crying.

im sorry to hear your you think he is having an affair?

I agree... I don't just want sex... I love my husband, and I just want him! To share the warmth of a loving intimate relationship... I want the emotional part combined w/ the physical part... with him =)

So true that this is about being human! As a woman who until
recently lived in a same-sex sexless marriage i totally agree with that. Also I have through the years been blessed with many close straight male friends that all agree with me - we all want the real thing, man or woman, straight or gay. All the other stuff is second best even if it might get you through the night. To all you nice men out there - you do deserve to live with women that really loves you.

( I have another post on here somewhere) here's a real slap in the face I had received from my husband. one day when the subject of our lack of intimacy and his lack of desire, he said he could get me a male prostitute to take care of my "problem".
Number one no effort on his part to embrace my needs, but the insult of thinking that he or I would have to pay for it??!! Awful. I'm attractive, young (48) and I could certainly do well enough on my own, thank you very much.
Toys and vids are ok, but there no replacement for the warmth embrace, touch, gaze, and intensity of a human to human connection...which I miss terribly.

I know the feeling!! There is NOTHING, I'm finding, more miserable than wanting someone you love SO badly, and knowing they don't want you the same!! I've never experienced this before and it SUCKS!!! It's beyond frustrating and awful to know you can't MAKE someone feel the same way about you that you do about them, isn't it?!!

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I'm so tired of counting on a toy to pleasure myself and at the point of hooking up with the real thing. Hubby is always tired or his meds or some ***** complaint. Tried of the complaints! I want action, why is it I have to give it up because he doesn't want it. I'm an attractive woman, take care of myself all kids are grown and gone. 15 years of no sex is pushing me in to an affair.

I have a ife that doesn't want it too ! I am VERY tired of it. I have had some flings, but I really want her to want me. That just isn't going to happen. She thinks that sex is for younger people. She says that we're not Spring chickens anymore. I am so disappointed !!!!

The thing is, I find that ************ is only a short term solution. I read that its a scientific fact that your body knows the difference between that and the real thing. Over time, ************ alone just won't cut it and you'll find that you need the real thing.<br />
<br />
This is my first post on this board, but I'll be putting my story up here someday soon.

datajanitor....tell us whats your story....share it hehehe

************, for the spouse stuck in a sexless marriage, is a godsend!

I cannot believe that so many women complain about lack of sex here. As a man experiencing total abstainence from a wife for years I can only say how stupid your husbands are for passing you by. I would rejoice having a wife interested in sex.<br />
<br />
I have lived in a sexless mariage for years but was again fortunate to travel on business frequently. During those times I found solace in a multitude of warm embraces. We while I am not proud of having to find other sources for my needs, it made life a little easier.<br />
<br />
I wish you all well and hope that you will find someone or something that will allieviate some of your frustrations

That is why women find it harder to be rejected, for years it has been a rolling joke about the wife with the headache and the poor man not being able to get any, I have a headache about twice a year and I find sex cures it anyway.Men are supposed to be sex mad so if yours won't you have to go through the questions about how horrible you must be for a male to refuse sex with a woman!
P.S I don't judge your affairs, I wish I was confident enough to have one.x

Me too!

you hit the nail on the head. thanks for posting this.

I have a headache every day of my life and I have never turned down sex - not once, ever. There were times I should have but then, my ex never cared how sick I was as long as he got off.

So the thing about women always refusing kind of ****** me off.

Good for you! xxxW

Exceptions make the rule! xW

Definitely; sex cures headaches!That is a proven fact. No fun intended. xW

I agree! What a sham is this whole "women never want it and men can't get enough" message. I'd never turn him down, even if my legs were being amputated! Gads! It is the pits to be rejected by your spouse!

I too live in a sexless marriage( three year drought followed by two attempts with ED) not even an whisper of interest in the past 7 months. I find it too demeaning to be rejected when I try to initiate. After so long, I feel no desire for him. I went on a trip and the first time in twenty years felt desired by quite a few men, one lucky guy got the full benefit of all that frustration I'm sure we both still have bruises 3 days later and so far no guilt but the fear of getting caught.

Spiderb hit it right on the head! I've been so hurt over the rejection that if the man doesn't make the first move, then I'm too afraid of being rejected again that I wont ask a guy for an affair. I have the biggest crush on my mechanic, but I can not ask him out or do anything more than mild flirting cause if he turns me down, on top of being turned down by my husband--it would be too much for me to bear.

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I just don't care for the DVDs...I want the real thing.

Me too. I tried the romance novels, but they have now become boring. I can't cuddle a book.

How would you describe yourself than? As a cuckold? Or just as someone not been seen. Or....(your choice now ;-) ) xW

we must thank god he made ways to gratify ourselves when we don't have a partner to help....

You do have a partner he or she doesn't cooperate to say the least, I know the stories; I divorced the lady; still love her though, but a relation without sex can't be called a relation. When one wants to involve God in this matter; "This is not what He meant it to be". xW

There are a lot of us out there but it still does not make the situation any better.

I in same boat thank God for xxxxx DVD & right hand!