Light Globe #2

I am posting this to thank all the people who gave me input after I penned a rather disjointed "Light Globe" #1, in a distressed state. For newer readers, the initial Light Globe was a sudden recollection of a rather tawdry unpleasant incident about 5 years ago - which, in typical 'bloke' fashion I had dealt with by not thinking about for some years.

After a lot of input on this both on the post and via PM (some of which was quite confronting - thank you, I needed that - even if I didn't like it) I know where I am right now.

1. This incident was 5 years ago.

2. At the time the dynamic was "self destructive wife" / "Unhappy Resentful Husband"

3. We are both different people now, the dynamic being "Financial Partners" and whereas there are still disagreements, they are usually confined to issues, not emotions. It is quite a tolerable situation. Indeed, I quite like my Financial Partner these days !!

4. Her lack of libido came from a source beyond her control for some time, and more latterly, from medication. So her lack of libido is "general" - as far as I know !!!!! lol (tho if she was out screwing some dude and it made her happy that would be entirely her affair, Financial Partners sex lives are their own affair)

5. My lack of libido is specific, to her, and had its genesis in her behaviours when ill, and was finally killed stone dead by the aforesaid incident 5 years ago. My libido outside of the Financial Partnership is intact

6.So, I am carrying the baggage of that 5 year old incident, which was caused by a person who, at that time, was not really in control of her actions. A skinfull of grog at the time didn't help.

Thats where I am right now. The memory of the incident is still unpleasant, but I think I can articulate how I felt at the time (strongly) and feel now (not so strongly)

(a)ANGRY. At the breach of privacy. And at myself for not physically stopping it which I could have easily done - perhaps at the cost of a blazing arguement. For being mentally weak and taking the soft option of 'copping it' ,of wimping out to avoid a 'scene'.

(b)Violated. At this careless disregard for my feelings and 'rights' (not sure thats the correct term I mean)

(c)Humiliated. A "man" should not allow himself to be treated in such a way etc etc.

(d)more ANGER about how the cosmos stuck ME with the circumstances that brought about the position to enable this to happen.

(e)Frustration, still a lot to do with (d) but in more specific ways, like 'can't she see what shes done ??????? etc etc

(f)Regret. oh boy, this covers a wide area like "why didn't I marry Irene ****** back in 1974 my life woulda been so much better" etc etc etc. "Why me ? etc etc. So many things. I know at an intellectual level that 'why me ?' thinking is bullshit, but I'm not immune from a bit of self indulgence.

(g) Regret #2 a big one "Why didn't I respond like a basic man and join in and **** each other senseless ?. If I had maybe none of the subsequent events would have happened, and I wouldn;t even be on the EP site and having to deal with this." - this is a BIG one. As I did have options back at the time of the event, but my thinking (I am the wronged party here, I will stand on my 'priciples' and not get involved in this act with this person who has acted so disrespectfully to me .... blah blah blah etc) prevented me from even considering it. In other words my big fat EGO got in the way of an option.

Thats where I am now guys. It ain't pleasant, but its WAAAAAY better than where I was 2 days ago.

Now, any input to start moving this forward I'd appreciate.

My initial thought is to sit the Financial Partner down, and say - in a non confronting way "5 years back you did something (tell her). You weren't actually all that in control of yourself, I appreciate that. However, its left a bit of a scar on me". Whether she responds or not probably doesn't matter I guess. There's no obligation on a Financial Partner to discuss 'emotional' matters (in fact I rather hope thats the option she'd take, lest ANOTHER can of worms gets opened) 

My basic "Bloke" personality is suggesting to me to 'just let sleeping dogs lie' but I've been doing that, and it don't work. Sleeping dogs can suddenly wake up and bit you on the arse. And they bite you at inconvenient times, even after you think they are not even there. I think I've got to kill this dog, or at least get some basic training into him !!!!!

 

bazzar bazzar
56-60, M
2 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Good questions michelle.<br />
I am going to keep my trap shut, at least until I have spoken with someone who has a level of expertise in this field (scheduled for monday). But, as I feel right now, this is what I reckon.<br />
"Is FP capable of responding appropriately ?" I don't know. Perhaps (as an FP), probably not (as a wife)<br />
1. depending on advice I may get, I think this is my likely way forward. Coz I would control the process, and it is MY issue to fix, no-one elses.<br />
2.I would have nooo idea at the moment how I'd react if an apology came forward.<br />
3. I would be mentally prepared for this scenario so I'd be OK with it (believe that or not as you wish) because Financial Partners are not always considerate in what they say. <br />
There is NO WAY any such theoretical discussion would take place under a "husband / wife" situation at this time.<br />
Any such discussion will be as "empathetic financial partner" / "financial partner".<br />
I'll keep you all posted as to what my professional has to say on Monday. (I've seen this person b4, about 8 years ago over a similar, tho unrelated issue - so she's got a bit of history, and my confidence.

Bazzar, I think enna is right. Some things are better left unsaid or have a place and time. Now that your feelings are starting to "rear their ugly head" so to speak, you may want to seek some sort of counseling. We all have our limits and shut down for many reasons. You can't change what was, but you change what is to be.<br />
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My best wishes to you.

Can I suggest that you don't say anything to her just yet? This is not to say that it isn't a good idea, but it might be a better way to handle things if you get some counselling first.<br />
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At present your hurt and anger are uppermost and you may say things that do not completely reflect what yo want to convey to her. After you've clarified some of the stuff with a counsellor, I think you will be able to communicate more clearly with her exactly HOW you have been affected by this incident.<br />
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I am still overwhelmed with sadness for you because it is such an awful thing to live with. I guess many of the women on this forum can identify with you in this instance.<br />
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But you are doing the right thing in confronting the issue and dealing with it as a prelude to the rest of your life. You have my very best wishes for this brave action.