I Can't Be Married to Two Men

I've been speaking on the phone 2 to 3 times a week, with a former lover, since November.  I had my son with him when I was legally separated in 1972 and returned to my husband before the birth.  My son was told about his biological father when he was 17 and chose not to search him out.  My son resembles his biological father in looks and personality. 

My former lover never married and lives 2 1/2 hrs. away from me.  I drove to see him once, no sex, just hugs and hand holding.  Since I am married, he wants us to be just friends.  He's 16 years older than me and this scares me to lose him again.  He kids and says I could go before him.. how true.

He wants me in his life, but says I can't be married to two men.  He doesn't mention what would happen if .....    but I would like to think there could be time to spend loving him.  No man ever made me feel the way he did and that feeling still exists between us.  
I am in a very controlling, near sexless, 40 year marriage. We are friends on some level and enjoy each others company, but we can't get along without him insulting me, either sexually or by yelling at me.  Although I care for my husband after such a long history together, he has admitted that he feels no desire for sex.... but does it to please me..... he has ED problems which he just received meds for today. I told him he needs to do this for himself... he's 61 and ready to pack in sex.

My marriage has been in trouble since day one and my therapist reminded me that this was a fact before this man entered the scene, both times.  I never want to stop talking to my "friend" and his presence has added warmth and feelings of love into my cold existence with my husband.  We are missing the important ingredients for a healthy marriage .. intimacy, love and commitment.

If my husband knew I was having these conversations it would be the end of us.  Sometimes I think that would be the honest but most hurtful road.  Better to rectify the marriage, before all else, and then let come what may.

Why does it all have to be so emotionally painful -- the inability to make the decision to end it all?  If I was happily married, I wouldn't have sought out my former lover ... but I did.  I remember crying and being so tired of sleeping together, alone with my husband..... bodies that touch in the middle of the night but don't blend.  I am pushed away.  When I want to converse in the car or at home, I am told to Be Quiet .. Listen to the radio or something .. I don't feel like talking to you.... When I walk around the bedroom without a top, I am told to put something on!!

And yet, my friend will talk to me for hours and makes me laugh and cry ... spending time with me and listening to what I have to say and I listen to him, his stories and his thoughts. 

But he says I can't be married to two men.

reflections3 reflections3
61-65, F
5 Responses Feb 17, 2009

No, you can't be married to two men. <br />
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You could be un-married and free to figure out if you wish to be married to any man, including the one who tells you that you can't be married to two men.<br />
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Sometimes people from "before" will come back into our lives. Sometimes it is joyful and happy, sometimes it is bitter-sweet. Sometimes it can be what you always hoped it would be: My Momma married her high school sweetheart this past weekend. They are about 68. I wish that neither of them had wasted 45 years but I'm glad they finally made it back to one another.<br />
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Make your choices as if this man didn't exist or you knew could never be yours. You are least likely to be blinded by your emotions this way but there is still no guarantee...

I am well aware of your situation and am totally emphatic. I have given some thought recently of why we all stay in sexless marriages and I have come to the conclusion that, at least in my case, it is more just from habit than any sound logic or emotion. Like cigarettes or any habit that one knows is not good for them but they continue on with unto death.<br />
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I will reach back later this week to another time and it will be more than pleasant but deep inside I know full well that changes both physically and more importantly mentally will keep this in perspective where it belongs in It will be merely a reunion of sorts and than back to the grind.<br />
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Reflections ...your situation has an added feature that of having a child by the other man and your ties there are infinitely stronger , much more filled with emotion Consequently you are at a much greater risk to you. <br />
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You are fragile or it seems at this moment in time and I fear that decisions made now hurriedly may not be good for you.<br />
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My concern for you is that he has given you a veiled ultimatum that you cannot have two husbands. While this may sound noble on his part I view it as control; mechanism assuring that you will be at his side when he needs you but knowing that it is a safe bet that you will not leave you husband. <br />
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Perhaps I am totally wrong in this this and will be happy if I am pr oven wrong but I have been a salesman much to long to bite on another man's verbal commitment, veiled or not.<br />
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You are delightful lady and I can only hope that your life will improve to satisfaction soon.

We sure can be idiots sometimes….why we insist on holding on to something or someone that causes us pain and leaves us unfulfilled just because we’ve been together for SO many years is beyond me. Funny…I only had to burn my hand on the store a few times before it dawned on me that I might want to stop putting my hand in the flame….yet here we are doing the same old thing over and over again like we’re going to get special points for living through this endurance test we call a marriage. <br />
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Oh and yes…I seriously need to take my own advice. <br />
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What the heck are you waiting for? Have a life filled with love, passion, communication and partnership. Someone that makes you feel as special as you are….Or…..keep sticking your hand in that open flame. <br />
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And yes I do know it isn’t that easy….now you’ll excuse me I have to go bandage my own flame blistered hand.

Good for you Willow!! Great comment - well said. Reflections, have you got the courage to ask your dear friend what his reaction would be if you DID leave your husband? It may just be TOO hard to ask this question, but it might be that he would say he'd welcome you into his lif. If so, I'd seriously think about doing just that . . . <br />
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You and I are asbout the same age and we do not have so many years left to find happiness. Having said that, I cannot bring myself to leave my husband, so I am not a good role model!!<br />
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But perhaps if I had someone Itruly cared waiting in the wings for me, I'd make the leap. Who knows??<br />
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Whatever you decide, please let us know. And know too you have my very best wishes for your happiness.

Reflections3:<br />
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You've been so kind and thoughtful to so many of us here and I hope you've found hope and inspiration from us as well.<br />
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I too, have a secret friend . . . and she's not my wife. Like you, my best friend makes me laugh and cry, sometimes within the same sentence it seems.<br />
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We know what they're saying, that we have the best of both worlds, our spouses and children and lives and we really should decide.<br />
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Maybe, like me, you know what we'll probably choose, ultimately. I say, enjoy your former lover, for every second, as I know you are. I intend to as well.<br />
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Good luck.