3 Plus Years and Sex Only Twice

We have been married for over 8 years. When we first got together we were very sexually active..several times a day. We had our first child within the first year. I was not interested in sex for a while after I had the baby. In the next few years we only had sex 2 or 3 times. W decided that we wanted another baby. It only took one try. Since the second baby was born we have only had sex 2 times. In the 8 years we have been married, we have only had sex 6 or 7 times.  We have had some good times but have very little affection for each other. In the last several years, his temper had gotten out of control. I threatened to leave him if he didn't get help.  He got therapy and now he is really working hard at being a kind and caring person. But still no sex.  It has finally gotten to the point where I feel sad and depressed and have crushes on other men.  I need sex and am at the point in my life where I am horney all of the time.  We have had many discussions about it over the last few years and we get nowhere. He blames me and I blame him. The truth is that we are not attracted to each other.  I lost my attraction to him over all the years of dealing with his verbal abuse. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life but I don't want to mess with my childrens happiness.  Advice?

wantinglove wantinglove
36-40, F
8 Responses Feb 17, 2009

The kids will ALWAYS have Mommy and Daddy, regardless if they are married or not. But Mommy needs a real hubby too, not just a room-mate. <br />
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I am in a similar situation. I don't stay for my little one (h & I love our kid dearly and will always be in his life, divorced or not). I stay because I am worry wart about losing my house, becoming poor, losing my job in this crappy economy. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would be out the door; would buy him a condo in the same ZIP and get a divorce ASAP. My H is a good friend and the father of my child, but just like you we are not attracted to each other ; that’s the only reason I can come up with for the lack of sex - and btw my "numbers" are just as lousy as yours:-(((((. When he is traveling we get along great! When he’s at home the turmoil starts. We would live a blissful life apart….if only we could afford it.

It aint easy, with or without the kids, but harder with.<br />
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I'm glad you found us. No easy roads to take here. Have you thought about counseling? <br />
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People grow apart all of the time, but it can work, if you think it's worth it. If you don't, then both of you deserve to find a happier life.<br />
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Best

YOu say you dont want to mess with your children happiness. And i speak fro experience because lik eyou i have two wonderful daughters and a union where i can count on one hand how many times ive been intimate with ice queen tundra on one frost bitten hand. I remember one night....i came home late, and me and the wife (shrew...sorry i sneezed) and we got into a fight over bills...which grew into our lack of sex, desire...oh, i dont know...the fact that i sleep on the couch.....it ended with her telling me i have too many needs...and doors were shut.<br />
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Now the kids have been sleep two hours prior to the fight...and the next morning i get the kids up, dressed them....fed the breakfast and was about to get their lunch ready for school....when my oldest (7) comes up to me and says this....<br />
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If you need me to be there for your needs daddy....id be more then happy to make the tears you shed every night go away<br />
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i was stunned. How she knew that i dont know....but the moral of the story is...YOUR KIDS KNOW. YOUR KIDS KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE.<br />
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The question is....what will mess with your childrens happiness more. Staying in a relationship that makes you so unhapppy your on the edge of depression<br />
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or<br />
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Unhappy with the fact you are divorced from someone who coul not give you what you desirve in your heart<br />
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Im still like yo on the fense between....(my fav rock quote) should i stay or should i go?....but we all have to think hard inside our souls as to whats best for them...and whats best for us as well

WL, <br />
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I can understand your plight, as can most here. The things to keep in mind are, if you stay for the kids (or hubby does for that matter) you may end up hating the children, holding it against them, which will only compound your issues.<br />
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Even worse than that, is there any trust or compassion left in your marriage? If the trust is gone, then in all likelyhood the marriage is void of compassion as well, allowing you both to hurt one another with more frequency.<br />
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I certainly would not tell anyone what to do, but, if you and your hubby try to work it out, have you both discussed marriage councelling?

I realized while writing this last night that our entire marriage has been sexless. We get along well and don't fight. We have grown apart in our interests over the last few years. I feel extreme guilt for even thinking about divorce. He has been trying really hard to be extra sweet in the last year. I wish that h wanted me and I wanted him in a sxual way. He gives excusues why he doesn't want to have sex. FOr a while he said that he didn't want to wear a condom, and I wouldn't go on birth control. Then he got clipped and we still haven't had sex. It is hard for me to go to him because he has rejected my advances in the past. I have forgotten how to flirt and come on to him. It is awkward. I feel like I am missing out on having intamacy in my life. But I also feel very selfish for even thinking of leaving my marriage.

I belong to the school of thought that says it is not necessarily the beest thing to stay together because of the children. I believe children subconsciously "learn" about how to behave from their patrents - and even if you never tell them, at some subconscious level they will know you are unhappy.<br />
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I agree with each of the other posters. Plus, your children are still quite young. Altho' it is difficult at any time to become a single parent, it is very difficult indeed when they are tenagers. <br />
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Think carefully about what you want and when you decide how to proceed, know that you take the best wishes of all of us with you.

If he is trying and you cannot get over the verbal abuse, then maybe your decision is already made. If there is no chance of forgive and forget, then might be best to move on.<br />
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I predict there will be some mention of what's good for the children. My advise would be to really look at what kind of role model the both of you will be (in terms of a loving relationship.) My wife and brother-in-law grew up in a household with parents who are like you. Their parents stayed together "for the children." Neither child (now grown up) understands how to express affection. And now here I am in an affection-less and almost no sex marriage.<br />
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My opinion is it's best if they are around parents who are happy and in love. No doubt that both parents should remain in close contact and take equal part in the raising of the children.<br />
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I hope you can work things out with your husband.<br />
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Take care.

Wantinglove, are you sure that your children are truly happy? I ask only because I wrestle with that as well, as do others in this group, over the idea that "mom and dad need to stay together for the kids." Well, kids of all ages are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for. Even if you and your husband act completely civil with each other around the kids, they know. They can tell. The thing we have to ask as parents is, are we setting the best example through all of this? What are they (the kids) learning about how married life is supposed to be, and how will that affect their adult relationships down the road? I don't have answers for all of this, but for those of us who are staying with a partner we no longer love or have any intimacy with simply because we think it is "best" for the ids, these are questions we need to ask.<br />
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Having said that, good luck with your situation wantinglove. You are among friends here.