Separated From Sexless Husband. . . Is He Gay?

I am new here and this is my first post.  

I am a 47 year old woman who is separated from her sexless marriage currently.  I am in terrible conflict about whether to divorce or try to get back together.  

My husband is a caring man who is hard working, kind, smart and considerate.  When we lived together he did the lion's share of the household chores, projects, shopping, cleaning, animal care etc.   I have always had 'high powered' type jobs and this all started when I was working and he was between jobs.  . . I also put him through school to finish his degree.   He is a passive, introverted person and I am just the opposite.  He has NO friends or family and I have quite a few friends and activities.  

For about the last ten years it has felt like I am more his mother than his wife. I have to keep track of a lot of his details and he can be forgetful and can be unfocused, where I am just the opposite. .. mega-detailed and aggressive.  In some ways we are oil and water.  I always liked to think that we complimented one another.  

We have not had sex in over 6 years and then only very sporadically before that.   No children thank God.  When we were dating, we did have sex, but never very often.    In his defense I have had medical issues on and off throughout our marriage but I was always interested in trying until recently.  We have been in separate bedrooms off and on for about 10 years with illnesses, etc.  He also snores a lot and has sleep apnea and restless legs so when we did sleep together it was very difficult for me to get any rest.  

Last fall I caught him on the internet trying to meet men for gay sex.  I kicked him out of the house and he went to counseling, as did I.  This happened the week before our 20th wedding anniversary.   My issue now is:  am I better off with or without?  I feel we were friends/roommates at best. ..  he denies being gay and I have asked him several times throughout our marriage if he is.  He does say he was 'bi-curious'.  I guess I feel like bi is basically gay.   

I have 2 issues:  one is, the anger at the betrayal and the lying about it. Number two is:  I love him as a person and friend but am not in love with him.  I have no interest in him physically and in fact he fairly sickens me.   As I am typing this I wonder why I am even contemplating staying. . . but he has been very good to me over the years and is genuinely a very kind, caring person.  This has devastated us both emotionally.  Not to mention all the practical issues like money, the house, etc.  I am having a hard time with keeping up with my two jobs, the house, etc.  However, I do not want to get back together because it would be 'easy'.  He DOES want to get back together.  I think that if I wanted to go to counseling and work on all of our issues, it probably could be done, but, I am afraid I don't even have the energy.  

Any help or support/advice is much appreciated.

bluemoon84 bluemoon84
7 Responses Feb 18, 2009

you both can have a sex life, but, apparently, not with each other. the great thing is, though, that you can remain friends, and the obstacle that compromises that friendship can be resolved through separating/divorce. good luck to you.

I think you answered your own question. If you go back over and read your own story, you will see that you have a great friend and roommate. You say you are not in love with him. Why stay? You are only holding both of you hostage by staying. If he is bi-curious, bi-sexual, or gay, let him pursue his interestes away from you. jmho.

I totally agree with reflections3, good advice.

You have received some very good advice here, from some very experienced people who know what they are talking about. Being this is your first visit to this topic, please look back over some of our stories. We are all trying to keep our heads together, while keeping our lives together. It always comes down to the "material" things .. the house, the finances, and that is very important, especially in our economy.<BR>HOWEVER ... this is a marriage between two people who have a history together and seem to be very good room mates, but not romantic partners.<BR>You seem to be exhausting yourself trying to get through this emotional change in your life, without the help of a therapist. <BR>I strongly suggest you ease your burden by finding a decent therapist to help you through these feelings. It will be time spent wisely<BR>Blessings for some peace of mind!

You seem like a nice and super strong woman. If you can swing it financially, leave him. I would if I were you. Why stay? - you can remain friends without being married. Sounds like you have plenty of friends and family, I bet they will be there for you! <br />
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What does your gut tell you to do?<br />
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good luck to you

You have been his actual surrogate mother and his mother figure for your entire marriage. The fact that he has allowed your to dominate the environment all these years is a wonderment to me<br />
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Neither one of you are well suited and this was always thus from the beginning .How it lasted this long is beyond me. It has be an marriage only of convenience and accommodation and it is very sad to contemplate. All those years of loving and warmth and intimacy gone never to be retrieved.<br />
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He probably is not gay but like so many men of late who do not want to have an affair outside of marriage and have no sex at home , feel strongly that man to man sex for release is far better than performing sex on ones self.<br />
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I do apologize if I sound harsh however this is my take on it and I certainly can be wrong.

From reading your post it is pretty clear this relationship is over. Whether he is gay or not isn't really the issue.<br />
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He is obviously still interested in sex - even if it is only cyber sex. So he is not entirely sexless.<br />
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Your feelings for him include:<br />
feeling like his mother; you have no interest in him physically; he sickens you.<br />
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I think there is no rationale for staying together under these circumstances - but only you can decide this.<br />
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Perhaps you sould try counselling before making a final decision - one way or the other? At the very least it will help you clarify your feelings to yourself and to him. At best it might result in things improving for you.<br />
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Whatever you decide, you have my best wishes.