He's a Sick Narcissist, That's Why

You marry a guy you think loves you. You spend over 12 years married to him and all of that time trying to have children with him. You excuse the annoyances, the put downs, the criticism, the snide remarks. You love him. You try very hard to make him happy though it seems he never is.

You have the children and the disability you’ve been struggling with for a couple years gets worse. You no longer have many friends, you can’t go out, your husband goes to work and then out for hours at a time. And leaves you alone. With 2 children. While you are sick.

But that’s not the worst of it. He no longer wants to have sex. At all. You stopped initiating. You noticed years ago he refused to initiate but he promised it would change after all the scheduled sex for infertility, etc. But it doesn’t. You are sharing a bed with a virtual stranger.

You wake up in the morning clinging to the side of the bed where you have almost been shoved off. You are told to go sleep on the couch now because your disability makes you sweat. You sleep on the floor of your children’s rooms to be there for them so he can sleep and go to work. He tells you he resents that you can’t work anymore and he’s the bread winner. He feels “put upon.”

You confront him about the no sex. He looks at you like a deer in headlights. You ask repeatedly what he wants - anything - another woman, another man, toys, ****… anything. And he avoids. He refuses therapy and projects it all back on you. If it wasn’t for your kids you’d want to die. You can’t work anymore and now you feel like nothing. No love. No sex. Nothing but blame and anger. Nothing.

But the verbal and emotional abuse continues. You finally realize you are being abused through therapy and cold hard thought. You try to get him to therapy again. No dice. You are too physically ill to fight and too broke to up and leave just then. You’re nothing. Just a cipher.

After years of counseling (YOU - he refuses) you realize he's a destructive narcissist.  You leave him with your 2 children - but he still abuses you verbally, emotionally and most of all financially.  He refuses to divorce you but at least you don't have to see him every day.

I blame a good part of my being disabled on him and his severe dysfuction.

I can't even think about sex now.  It freaks me out after this horrible experience.

brokenglass57 brokenglass57
11 Responses Feb 18, 2009

abby4real<br />
<br />
I gave up on hope a LOOOONG time ago. And I am much more sane because of it.

Your story is vary touching. Be strong, theres always ligt of hope.

Brokenglass, your story is heart wrenching. I so wish I had a "magic wand" I could wave for you. Your husband truly is brutal - I am sending you my warmest and most heartfelt caring wishes.

Oh, Brokenglass--I think you and I married the same guy--lemme guess, charming at first, but later you could do no right? Then you got sick and sealed your fate? Only I am lucky--there were no kids, and ex-huubby asked for a divorce. I get it!

BG,<br />
<br />
You have my deepest sympathies... <br />
<br />

enna30<br />
<br />
I am permanently disabled. ZERO money for a divorce. When I went to a lawyer (I used to paralegal so I used someone I knew & trusted) he had to sign for the alimony, child support, etc. He REFUSED. And unless I have a ton of money to drag him through court for a few years - which I don't... it's not worth it.<br />
<br />
We do have a separation agreement and he pays my utilities & rent otherwise the kids and me would be homeless. <br />
<br />
He could withhold monies from me for years even if we did divorce and again, it would take MONEY on my part to get it from him. By that time, I would be homeless and CPS would take my kids from me. NOT WORTH IT.<br />
<br />
Since I don't want to date or meet anyone (my therapist said this is typical for those with PTSD from pathological partner) I really don't care. As long as my kids are ok.

BrokenGlass<br />
<br />
We all understand what you are going through in our own way. We are here for you!<br />
<br />

I don't understand about "he refuses to divorce me"? Here in Australia we have no fault divorce and neither party can stop the other from getting a divorce, even if they want to.<br />
<br />
Do you still have to get a dual agreement where you live? Not wanting to be nosy - just trying to understand.

kungfuchic - I will never heal. Even my therapist has admitted that. I got a lot of solace from a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS.<br />
<br />
But I do not EVER want to be in another relationship ever. EVER.

i'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. there are so many wonderful people on this board that will listen any time you need to let go of some of the anger and sadness inside. be good to yourself.

Once you are able to heal your heart and mind, and meet someone worthy of your love, you will desire sex again.<br />
<br />
Be well.