Best-case Scenario?

We're all so unhappy in this group, and all of our stories are depressing. The best of them say that they're "working on it," that they have partners that are indeed trying. (And this is uplifting, to be sure.)

But does anyone have a real "success story"? I.e. they worked on it, and it went back to (nearly) the way it was? Or are we all destined - even if we're committed to staying with our spouses - for a life of relative gloom?

Please do tell. I'm just about to set my wife an ultimatum and would like to hear something truly positive.

jflaunt jflaunt
36-40, M
7 Responses Feb 19, 2009

What is success? you want for your situation to be "like it was". I do not think that will happen. many partners in relationships do not take the time needed to "nurture" a relationship. We make snap decisions and away we go and not really weigh the long term consequences. If you partner is willing to alter hi/her negative choices then there is hope. But even then it is and can be a struggle. So I guess what I am saying is that we help create our own situations by enabling our partners and settling for less than what we really want. Another thing is that sometimes people change to be with the one they love and when this happens we lose part of ourselves in the process. So now it is time to add up all your scorecards and see if there is a way for "both" of you to move forward and if not then make the decision to live with what u have.

I am sure there are success stories but those people either were never on this board or don't post here anymore (why would they since they're out of this misery? )<br />
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I am willing to bet that "success" for the majority meant they moved on in some way (separated, found someone else , divorced)....I am referring to those who had to endure a looooong dry spell, not a few sexless months (under 1 year let’s say)- those probably have worked out their temporary problems. <br />
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There are of course those who never find a way out. <br />
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Success for me would mean having a love life again. Notice it does not matter with h or someone else; but I would make a clean break with h first if he is not in for the long run…still TBD. I promise to come back and update you all when that happens :-). <br />
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I personally do not think that major sexual incompatibilities (very different libidos) can be “worked out”. The low sex drive partner will always set the pace. Can you live with that pace for ever?

Hi J: Unfortunately, no, you are right, there are not many, if any, real success stories. I would love to be the first. KFC reunites with husband to form a perfect union, sex and love and affection and communication galore. . . but in truth, that is only a dream.<br />
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Success for everyone is different. My perfect relationship may not be the same as yours. Have you ever really thought about what you need in a relationship to "make you happy" happy enough to feel content in life and satisfied? <br />
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In doing so, I discovered that I am pretty "high" maintenance. I may not want sex every day, but I want to know it's available to me every day if I do want it. . . call me "Princess".<br />
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Bottom line I suppose, is this is our own personal journey. EP is only one stop to say hi to others who are suffering a similar fate in life. Some want to *****, moan, cry, vent, plead, some just want to read the stories and absorb. <br />
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There is an old saying from AA, "Take what you need and leve the rest". <br />
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Good luck. Keep us posted. If you find that Magic, come and share it with us.

Hey jflaunt,<br />
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I can't wait to see the comments on this one. Let us know if you go for it and what is the response.<br />
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Read my input , " 2 Good Book...." or something like that. Those are 2 good books. Hopefully your wife would be interested in reading "The Sex Starved Marriage". Maybe that can help break the ice -so to speak. Mine wasn't. She told me she was happy just the way things are.... or were then. Now, she swears that I'm going to leave her and she seems a little manic. That was not my intention ( not even covertly ). She says she has no or not much desire but WILL NOT take any steps to improve via herbal or conventional med/ etc.... Now, I get a real ration of poop when we have a argument or heated discussion. Blah Blah Blah.... Just prepare yourself for the real icey side of the cold shoulder.

The great sadness ,as you say, is the lack of success stories here. That being said you must understand this forum is just the first step in finding a solution to our problems. It is vehicle for us to vent our frustrations, find some comfort in the fact that we are not alone . <br />
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I do not know if any here are professionals giving advice but we all have experiences that when related may help trigger action that will ultimately to a success story. Who knows.?<br />
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I have found that the old adage that some times we cannot see the forest for the trees does apply here in some cases.<br />
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I too wish you all the luck in solving your marital difficulties.

i couldn't agree more, scootergirl. there is a lot of pain shared here, but we rarely share what works in our relationships here (b/c that's not what this board is really about, unless there is a viable solution to our sexual frustration). for some of us, nothing works, but for others, i'm happy to be in the latter category, most everything works but the sex. in the latter cases, some of us are willing to work on the sexual relationship to get it a manageable or agreeable consistency (acknowledging that it may never be what we want or wanted it to be), so that it doesn't cloud what does work and fulfills us. i agree with folks who say that sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is an important component that can really poison other areas when it is left unattended by those who may not need as much as their partners.

Personally, I think the best story is one where you (or me) makes a choice they are happy with - that may be staying, setting an ultimatum or leaving and then lives with *their* choice happily.<BR><BR>There is no *right* solution, we are all so different and have so many slightly different situations - one size definately does not fit all here.<BR><BR>I wish you the best of luck and am thinking of you making that choice to set an ultimatum as you have to be confident you can follow through whatever you say