Starving Newlywed

I waited a long time, dated many and finally found the man I thought was the one. Intimacy was sparce in the dating, he was old fashioned, but courted me nicely. I had to make the first move, and when I did...was aware that there was a learning curve...especially for someone who had been married before, I thought he would know all about intimacy.

Well, we have been married for 6 months and have had sex 7 time, and only 3 time out of those, did I enjoy it. I have talked about teaching him, I have purchased books for him, even DVD's to help couples in their 40's. I am tired of begging for sex.

The more I ask the less touch is given, and yet he is sweet, adoring and is so in love that he is unfamiliar with what the sexual requirements are. He really does not have a clue how to satisfy me, approach me sexualy or what his part in romance and intimacy is. He seems to believe that all he has to do as a husband is bring home the money...that is not what I want..I want to feel loved, physically, emotionally and intimately.  I am so sad all the time, I am a touchy, feely, loving woman and am starving to death.

standing standing
41-45
10 Responses Feb 19, 2009

YOU should have ran like the Boogie Man was after you....<br><br><br><br><br />
Now with that said, you are 6 months invested in a binding legal contract with Cowboy ( ideal old fashion Gentlemanly type - from your comments ) that does not want to or know how to use his gun! My question to you is: Did you think you could CHANGE him ? I mean the old fashion courtship is all well and good and I realize a breath of fresh air in today's fast-paced rude crude dog-eat-dog existence but in our 40's, sexually, we are what we are, right? There are clues in his previous relationship. Use you best skills and glean what you can by having an intimate discussion regarding it -of course, it is one sided but, you can sift and make some reasonable assumptions from those talks. Sure we can change but at the core, we are what we are. Work with a therapist as suggested but, take enna30's advice, place limits prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Thank God, there are no children involved, hopefully. I wish the best for you.

I think you should fight for your Love, but if he is not willing to do the same, maybe you sould think it twice. I agree with everyone else went they tell you go see a sex therpaist. If the situation does not change, and your unhappy leave. You know why, because you may stay beacuse you love him, i know from my experince you may stick around and what you get at the end its a kick in your heart. Good Luck xoxo <br />
-abby-

Here's what I see. I see a man who knows that he needs to be a better lover, and yet takes no steps on his own to grow in that direction. <br />
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And the more you ask, the less you get, you say... so even if you take the lead, he drags his feet. <br />
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He has a problem, and he is not moved to do something about it... this is not good. I have little hope to give you, that he is ever going to change. I am sorry.

What you said here keeps haunting me:<br />
"...he is unfamiliar with what the sexual requirements are. He really does not have a clue how to satisfy me, approach me sexually or what his part in romance and intimacy is."<br />
That being noted ~~ this man was married before. <br />
Please know I mean no offense, however, I wonder why you make excuses for him not knowing intimacy, along with the other disclaimers you label your marriage with. Unless he was a MONK, I believe a previously married man knows what is expected of him in marriage.<br />
You seem to be sheltering him from any wrongdoing and in doing soon, you are shouldering the whole responsibility for making this marriage work.<br />
A person who doesn't want to be touched, doesn't change, they just get older.<br />
Please consider speaking to a professional who can set you on the road to a healthy existence, with or without him.<br />
Blessings and Best Wishes

Standing~<br />
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Pay attention to the other comments. I couldn't have said it better myself, so I won't. Definately agree with the timelines. My husband loves me very much too. It's very nice but I need more. Obviously, so do you.<br />
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Princess

ennas30...has said it all and well. However, if I am correct and it is he who was married before I could suspect that his lack of sexual drive in that relationship may be the cause of its failure. Does he ever give you a reason for that divorce or is he mute on that issue?.<br />
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I don't know how old he is but if he is young you have a long , long uphill battle on your hands and if you don't win and stay your are to suffer a long drought in a sexless relationship.

All I can add is best of luck 2 U !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two very wise comments above. May I just add that you should NOT sacrifice years of your life to this goal. You have been married 6 months. You may yet find success because he obviously loves you deeply.<br />
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But deep abiding love is what my husband giives me too - and this year we have been married for 20 years with over 12 years completely devoid of sex.<br />
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Don't let my story become your story.<br />
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If after 12 months you are making little or no progress, reconsider.<br />
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It is always hard to break up a marriage - but you cannot live for ever in a sexually inadequate or sexually absent marriage (IMHO) without destroying yourself.<br />
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Every best wish for success.

I think KFC is so right about the non threatening comment. I hope it will work out for you as in the past many of us seem to be coming back and back and back just because it is so difficult for anybody to change. I do now want to discourage you but the reality might be that he will not change if he does not feel comfortable with his own sexuality or yours.

Dear Standing: I can't even say "didn't you see the red flags?" That would be hypocritical of me. So now that you are in it, you have to give it a go. Ask him to see a sex therapist with you. But you need to tell him in a way that doesn't threaten his manhood. Honey I love you so much, you excite me in every way and sex is very important to me, would you consider seeing a sex therapist with me.<br />
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I can't promise it will work. You have your work cut out for you. In my honest opinion, set up some timelines for yourself and some guidelines in your own head, about how much time your willing to invest and how much your willing to sacrifice. <br />
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My best wishes to you. Keep coming back.