Love As a Weapon

Years ago I came to the conclusion that using one's love for you as a weapon against you is a despicable act. For there is simply is no defense conceived to fight against it. It is is the most unkind cut that any human being can inflict on another in a relationship.

In no place is this more evident than in  the countless stories that are brought to light here every day. In every one  there is evidence of love initially  given freely, deeply and in many cases with total  abandon only to find it later used  by rejection to control, abase and abuse. In short , as the weapon as I suggested.

The results of this are predictable and obvious for the relationships either wither and die or linger in a limbo of disdain, ennui and in worse cases,  hatred.

It is not a pleasant scenario and little I can advise to  prevent this except perhaps that when we give our love to others we keep in reserve some love for ourselves. A bank of love of sorts, that we can draw on  to start again if that becomes a necessity. So many here have expended so much into  the relationships they find  themselves unable to extract themselves from a soured environment.

I believe if the all  young persons were advised,early on, of both the joy of loving deeply but also the dangers of same we would have far fewer stories of the like seen here.



zorbas zorbas
56-60, M
8 Responses Feb 19, 2009

redczar...An interesting spin on the ball, and well taken I may add, however, I don't think any man in love goes into a marriage thinking that the woman has all the winning cards in her hands. Nor is it true that all women have the ability to control a marriage through sex. This certainly apparent from the stories here.<br />
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We all went into marriage for the most part on equal terms. Both parties supposedly in love and desirous of pleasing each other in every way. The Utopian idea of merging into one splendid entity. I don't think initially any thought was given as to who would wield power over the other. Love was to conquer all.<br />
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Women may have freedoms in this country to control some aspects of their married lives but the vast majority of women world wide today have little choice or control in their marital situations. Least of all their own sexual satisfaction.<br />
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Your point has validity from a man''s point of view away from marriage when sex is used to entice, provocatively lure and attract the male. Here women may have a modicum of control.<br />
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n that vane, my partner, a lifelong bachelor, from a different generation, used to say, " the power of p***y was stronger than the transatlantic cable" He of course was never in love with anyone but himself and shared nothing not even his wealth.<br />
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I find myself agreeing with you in part but not as it relates to the concept of marriage

Mmm Redczar, you give me cause to ponder . . . I started thinking about this after reading a story from Zorbas. I think I'll ponder some more before I try to answer . . .

carpenterchris...I am far from being a therapist, I am just another of the myriad of poor schmucks here that live in sexually dysfunctional marriages.<br />
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I am sorry that you take offense to the manner in which I express myself. I can assure you that I meant no harm in this and have never expressed to anyone here by either intent or word as being stupid. If that is your feeling that is your own and certainly not mine.

Hey guy, are you Dr.Phil or something? Your comments are both spot on and insightfull. I would bet you are some kind of therapist. Do us all a favor and speak in a language that a layman can understand! I know that I may be uneducated, but were all not stupid.

I agree we must first love ourselfs. I thought I loved myself. I always put my own happiness before anything else. Then I fall in love, and went it came to this topic of un sex marriage, yes I didnt respect myself. You know what was the worse part, I didnt even know it. Its a really hard topic to talk about, even to your best friend because is so personal. There for its hard for your family and friends to give you any advice, or let you know went the water is to dark and get out. So your left alone, to make your decision. Only its noy easy, went do you know you have to go your own way or stay? How long do you have to stick around, and see if things "change"? This things dont happen from moring to dark. It takes time to notice and say oh god im in a sexless marriage. My point is went you know your staying and try to fix things and fighting for your love. Or just staying in the marriage knowing, your unhappy and nothing will never change. If you doing the second choice, yes you lost the love for yourself.

These forums have been so insightful because of people like you who have contributed to this subject on "sexless marriages". <br />
It is evident that you have searched for reasons behind the behaviors that are exhibited by our partners.<br />
It sometimes takes a lifetime to find out that we have been bamboozled by our spouses. <br />
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I came across this quote from<br />
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart<br />
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. <br />
"Any relationship is controlled by the one who loves least"<br />
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This rings true with my husband.<br />
His yelling, degrading, ignoring, insensitivity to my needs, withholding sex and intimacy, not communicating with me. I am living in a marriage made by him, for him, and only him. I am astonished at how cruel he can be with his remarks and actions. <br />
He loves me the least -- He wants to control, not share life with me. The Weapon of Love.

Most of us learnn how to love as tiny tots in the care of our parents. If they were messed up, then we find ourselves copying their style. Sometimes the parents weren't so messed up, but they were busy with our siblings, or self-absorbed, ans just didn't know how to nurture and guide our path, so we were left to our own defenses, creating our own funky style of loving. <br />
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Some marriages work out, and they love each other into old age...what is it about their relationship that is different than us ?? Didn't lots of us have sweet loving grandparents to copy from? Is Zorba's mention copying from their own bad lot? Or their own bad conjuring?<br />
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And how do we remember to become the people we WANT to be and not the people that our circumstances would drag us into easily being?

I'm sure that if we taught young people this we would read fewer stories here! That's why I had to leave my marriage. I didn't ever want my son's to think it was OK to treat there wife they way they saw me being treated! To see to parents with no love between them! Ugh...I just couldn't go on and let them think it was normal.