I Am So Stuck!

I just found this website last night (while searching "sexless marriage") and I am astounded that I am not "the only one" or "one of few"!!!  No, life isn't fair!  I couldn't wait to write my story and I'll keep it as brief as possible.

This is my 2nd marriage, 17 years.  My first marriage lasted from ages 20-27, he was 9 years older, I put him through college and then he decided he didn't want to be a family man. (No kids thank goodness)

Re-married at 30, husband was 36.  17 years and 2 kids later, we have not had sex since Nov. 2005 (but who's counting???)  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN early on!!!  Early in our relationship, he booked a beach motel room w/ a hot tub and I thought yay! romance and sex!  I waited in anticipation as he filled the hot tub, then I ******** and climbed in and he...sat and watched golf on t.v.! It was soooooooo humiliating!  But I didn't have the guts to stand up for what I wanted.  I SHOULD HAVE realized we were not compatible and walked away then.

Three years later we married.  Both lonely, both wanted a family, both biological clocks ticking.  I thought it would be enough to have the home and children I'd always longed for.  He was totally in love with me.  I thought being married and having access to sex was better than no sex.

In the first or second year of our marriage, I told him in tears that I could not live in a marriage w/o sex.  He said he'd try harder.  Tried to talk to him about it many times.  He had problems with both ED and premature ***********.  To his credit he tried every pill on the market, testosterone injections and patches, and nothing worked.

Once I conducted a secret little experiment to see how long he'd go w/o sex.  After 7 months, I decided if I wanted it I should initiate it.  His physical problems made it extremely frustrating.  There is no worse feeling of rejection than being naked and horny with your husband and he can't get an erection!  He would say "sorry" and I'd say "sorry I don't turn you on" and he'd say "you turn me on too much" and "it's been too long (to keep from *********** too soon)"  Well if he says it's been too long every time, why not do it more often?????

Finally I decided I wasn't going to live the rest of my life without sex.  I didn't want a "relationship", just sex.  And I wasn't getting anywhere at home.  I found 3 "f*** pals", also married, in similar situations.  Still not too frequent but lots of fun (and THEY thought I was good in bed!), until I did something stupid on the computer and hubby suspected, then he downloaded a stealth program and found out everything.  He wanted to separate right away, I said I love you but I want sex.  There is no answer to this conundrum!!!

I once approached the subject of him allowing me to have a lover, he was furious and called me a ***** and a ****.  I said I was desperate and he said "don't give me that bulls***, no one is that desperate."  He said I was a sex addict!  How could I be a sex addict when I had gone so long without it and now it's been a year and a half!!!  He also said sex was my "highest priority" in marriage.  Well it's not my highest but it IS important and I'm tired of being made to feel bad for a normal desire.

My theory is:  If you have a tool in your garage and you're not using it, and your neighbor asks to borrow it, you would let him borrow it.  Why not? You're not using it!

I grew up Christian, he grew up Catholic.  I guess we both have the same beliefs about sex only in marriage.  My therapist said "you might not believe in eating chocolate but if you're stranded on an island with only chocolate and water, you'll eat chocolate."  SHE understands desperation for sex!  It's like anything else, if you never get it, you want it more!

Other than the sex, he's a great husband, yes even romantic!  He helps a lot around the house, takes the kids places, got me through a bout of cancer, mostly always kind and considerate, unselfish . . .  However of course we have drifted apart since he discovered the affairs, he was completely shocked I would do such a thing.  We hardly touch anymore.  I don't really want it if we can't be intimate.

I thought I was the only one who felt like "we are living like roommates and our only thing in common is the kids!"  Why do I stay?  We have a good life, nice house, I am privileged to work part-time to spend more time w/ the kids, and I want us to raise them together (they're 14 and 11).  On the other hand, fear that by the time they're grown and gone, I'll be "too old" to attract another man, I DO NOT want to be married again, financial worries...

My therapist thinks he has Asperger's Syndrome; a high percentage of AS men aren't interested in sex or lose interest because they don't understand intimacy and don't perform well.

For other Christians out there, I've been wondering:  why does God say that marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church, but make it so hard to find the right person and make a marriage work?  Why does intimacy (emotional and physical) have to be so hard?  Yeah I know, sin, but He said this after sin had already entered the world.

I have no idea what to do.  But it's nice to read others' stories and know I'm not the only one.

CrystalRose CrystalRose
56-60, F
10 Responses Aug 10, 2007

At the risk of getting totally slammed.....<br />
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God did not create marriage. MAN created marriage, just as MAN created religion. <br />
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The energy source that is generally referred to as God is not a separate, judgmental entity and maker of rules. It is what it is. It is a part of each and every one of us. That is why there are so many differing views on what is and is not "sin" (another man-made invention).<br />
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Each of us knows which truth is best for us. For you, CrystalRose, using your tools (I love that analogy, btw) was the best truth at the time. You may now feel differently, and that is fine too.<br />
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Religion teaches us many wonderful, wonderful things. Personally I believe the most important of those things - and one that Christ thought pretty highly of as well - is FORGIVENESS.<br />
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CrystalRose, your husband sounds like a good man. It also sounds like he is having trouble forgiving you for the affairs, which of course, is compounding the situation.<br />
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Societal and religious influences are why he is using words like **** and *****. Ask him - in Christ's name if necessary - to forgive you. Seek guidance from counselors. Even your clergy will most likely advise forgiveness.<br />
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Since he has tried medical solutions, maybe the counseling will be more effective. I suggest working on the marriage first... obviously the trust has been hurt and needs to be rebuilt. After that, he needs to work on his emotional resistance to sex.<br />
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One more thing.. regarding his ED and premature ***********. Those are his issues. Based on what you've said, it is very likely you DO turn him on and he is attracted to you. I've experienced both issues at one time and it really doesn't have anything to do with the woman. It's either medical or emotional within the guy. <br />
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Best of luck to you.<br />
Peace & Love!

That is the question what is next!!! <br />
Crystal I fell you and qutie frankly a bit jealous that you actually found some sex friends. <br />
I am so committed to my husband and this marriage and to God that I honestly believe I am jsut being punished for my past behaivor when I was single<br />
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I dated a married man for 10 years on and off. I was right in the mix when they started thier family. Let me tell you we had sex 3 to 4 times a day. It was absoulty fantastic. <br />
So when I finally got married I assume I would be having sex at x2 aday morning and night. Boy was I wrong.<br />
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So I am at limbo. I am trying so desperately to figure things out. <br />
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I just thank God for this web site at least that way I know I am not alone. I love all of the different views and I really appreciate them all. <br />
Sandria 21

Me too. We just gotta hang in there!!<br />
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I don't know about you, but in my case I feel I've played the "secret affair" card as much as I can. I really have to find another option now. Either something renewed with my wife, something spiritual, or... the big D.<br />
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And I don't want the big D, thus my options seem limited.

Yes indeed ... what next?????<br />
I am amazed by the perplexity and complicated-ness of everyone's stories. I am amazed by the kindness and thoughtfulness I find at EP. I am amazed by all of us who love our spouses and are committed to our marriages even though we are so frustrated. I am glad I found this website and all my new "friends"!

Hi Crystal! Wow, you've got some story there. Mine is similar. I think sometimes there is a logic to having affairs. They do NOT solve the problem, but do give you a new situation to work with. I don't think it would have been possible for me to accept the status quo forever.<br />
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Still, the question for many of us presently is, "what next?"

Different sex drives I have found out to late, do not mix<br />
I find myself in much the same postion only I am a man ofc.<br />
My wife loves me and is a good mother to our 2 boys but she finds it very hard to be close and give affection.<br />
We do have sex about once a week but it is something she does for me rather then any need of her own.<br />
But worse then the lack of sex is the lack of kisses and cuddles.<br />
I am afraid the only real way around this is to have affairs or to split and as we get on so well and have 2 young children spliting is not a option.<br />
Trouble with affairs is the guilt and they are really only a short term fix.<br />
What you really need is someone is the same postion as yourself that will never upset your homelife (easyer said then done)

Hey Crystal,<br />
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First and foremost, my deepest sympathies for your situation. I understand how very frustrating it can be and how very difficult it is in that situation. I understand the rejection, the frustration, the anxiety, the fear, the doubt, the self doubt, the anger, the bitterness, and all that goes with this very situation.<br />
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That being said. I can't agree with the way you decided to resolve your issue. Being a Christian means that we must lay our worries and Jesus' feet and have the faith that he will take care of them. Believe me, this is a very hard thing to do and I myself have struggled with this in the past and even continue to struggle with this issue currently. It's something that we all must work on everyday. While it is true that God ordained marriage and all that goes along with it (including intamacy and sex) his idea of marriage and our idea of marriage are two totally different things. We believe marriage is for us and that it's just something that we're 'supposed' to do because that's what men and women do. We, often times, don't look at marriage from a biblical perspective. God ordained marriage so that a husband would leave is mother and father and cling to his wife and the two would be become one. Much like the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Just as the Trinity make up the diety of God, so does the Husband and Wife become one to make up the institution of marriage. Two hearts, two minds, two souls working toward the same goals as one. God likens marriage to the Church because the multiple of individuals that come together make up the singal function of the Church as a whole. There are many coming together and uniting to work together toward one goal -- to Glorify God and spread his word. So to is the institution of marriage all about coming together under God as two seperate individuals who choose to work as one soul, one being, to accomplish the same thing. <br />
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That being said, I would say that both you and your husband need to get into church. You need to talk to your pastor instead of your therapist. First and foremost you need to find a christian therapist. You're therapist isn't giving you very good advice and honestly I'd ask for my money back if your therapist is advocating adultury. <br />
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There is no easy answer to your situation Crystal other than you need to take your troubles to God, lay them at his feet, and have faith that your prayers will be answered. Of course, as a Christian you know that those prayers will not be heard until you repent for your sin and ask for forgiveness. Then and only then can you expect God's blessing. Believe me, if you do that and have Faith that God will do as he's promised, you will see a change in your relationship. Before you know it things change, either you will no longer be so consumed with the sexual part of the relationship and focus on those things that are indeed working as God has intended or He will help your husband find the desire and ability to perform to your expectations. You'll just have to search your heart for the reason this is happening to you. God allows us to have challenges in our lives because there's usually some aspect of your life he's wanting you to focus on. We're called to change to become more like him and in order to do so there are so many things that we have to change in the flesh before we can begin to understand the consequences of being like him. This could be one of those times for you.<br />
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I wish you the best and I urge you to get in church and have your entire family go to church so that, as a Family, you guys will learn how to overcome anything the Devil throws your way. Good luck and God Bless.

CrystalRose............Your right. Your situation is exactly like mine. I wonder if we could be married to the same man. <br />
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(((((((((((((((((((SQUEEZES)))))))))))))))))))))))))<br />
Your NOT alone.

It's sad, complicated, and maybe even unmanageable, but "staying for the kids" isn't going to get you what you <i> need</i>. It's also going to imprint your children's view of relationships with dysfunctional as "normal". You may need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

I think you have done just the right thing. Its unfair for a partner to not want sex and expect his or her partner to keep waiting on him.