Living In a Lack-of-love-induced Fog

Late last night, I was tired of listening to my wife soundly sleeping on her side of the bed (as usual), so I went online to look for some advice column or something about a sexless marriage.  So now, here I am today.  It is somewhat of a comfort to see that there are so many people out there that are going through what I go through, however most of them seem as confused about it as I am.....

I have been married for 18 years to one of the most beautiful women in the world.  For the first ten years that we were together, we made love a few times a week, and it was HOT!  I am a very attentive lover, and love to please my partner, so within a number of months of us being together, I had quickly learned how to give her as many screaming org##ms as she could take (sometimes up to 8 or 9 in a row).  I love foreplay, and am into manual and especially oral stimulation.  Add to this that I have tremendous staying power, and can wait my turn for as long as I want, and one would think that the makings of a potentially great sex life should be there.  I am never in a hurry, and can take my time kissing and holding, and massaging.  I always tell her that I love her.

SO....why the f### is it that she simply made the decision that we don't need to make love anymore??????

I have tried on several occasions to talk to her about it, but she just stonewalls me.  I have tried to talk her into going to councelling, but she wants nothing to do with it.  She gets angry with me, and tells me that because I'm a "guy" I still want sex, but because she's a woman, it's just normal for her not to want it anymore.  Yikes!  I have a really hard time understanding that one!

The really interesting thing, is that if ever we do make love, it has to be me that starts it, me that takes the lead, and I also have to accept to never be touched, and accept that she only likes two positions.  It's not like I'm demanding or anything!!!!

Can anyone out there help me to see through this terrible fog?

Signed

Dazed and Confused

Mrcellophane Mrcellophane
46-50, M
5 Responses Feb 20, 2009

Thanks everyone for all the comments. Enna, you speak as though you read my mind in many ways. Happytimes, it seems that we share many things in common. Your comment about looking after myself a bit more is welcome. I tend not to do that sometimes. <br />
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Thank you Abbey, you share many of the same spiritualistic aspects of a relationship with me, although I don't feel very spiritual these days. <br />
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Palmgirl, you crack me up. Yes, I suppose I should find a way of "insisting" with her, but this is another catch 22; when I "insist" on something a bit too hard, it upsets her, and makes her not speak to me for a couple of days. I am a good (and yes, sometimes too overbearing) negotiator, and she has told me on more than one occasion that she doesn't want to waste time talking to me, because I can "out talk" her. I'm not sure how to address that one either. BTW, your comments about my "willy" are pretty funny; however, I feel it's taste and feel must have changed right after I got married, as it has not been tasted or touched since. <br />
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Rezcar, she's rather young for menopause; thanks for the comments, though. I will take note of them for use in the next 15-20 years.<br />
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Enna, you are correct about her age. On your other point, however, so far she will not admit to "us" having a problem. Rather it's simply "me". I have no idea how to change this.<br />
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Chiquita, I am not certain how to "convince" her that her feelings are not "normal", as her sister and two best friends (her main confidents) are exactly like her! Again, it's me with the problem, so no need for counselling (although I do see a therapist from time to time!)<br />
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Again, thank you all. It is nice to feel so supported finally, even if it is by a computer screen. Anymore comments are always welcome!

I'm doubtful that menopause is the issue here. Mrcellophane is under 40, which suggests his wife probably is too. It is POSSIBLE she is menopausal but unlikely. <BR><BR>The advice to see if she will seek medical help is sensible, but I doubt she will do so. She thinks she is OK (from your post) so she probably doesn't think she has a problem - she will think it is YOUR problem.<BR><BR>The truth is, the problem belongs to both of you and will take both of you to solve it. . . <BR><BR>Therein lies the crux of the matter for so many of us on this forum. sigh!!!

We all understand what your going through. I wish you the best. If you have enery and willing to fight for your marriage go for it. If a year goes by and you still fine yourself in the same situation, then You might want to rethink it. Like i said it before noone should live unhappy. No one should feel unwanted, unlove. I hope you make the decision thats makes You happy because remember You are the one who is going to have to live with it. Best of Luck<br />
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-abby-

Wow, this could be my own story, although in my case sex has always been missing for my marriage, I can only be rearssuring and tell you that you are not alone and I do share your pain.<br />
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Like you, my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world and I simply adore her. But the most important persone inthe world (ourself) is not satified, we long for the kind of intimacy that make a mariage complete.<br />
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We both have though choices ahead of us, like you I am under 40, just ;) and wonder if it would be better trying to find somebody else. <br />
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I sinceraly hope that you will find the answer you are looking for and make the right decision, for your relationship, but before all for yourself... <br />
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Good luck my friend<br />
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P.S. enna30, fantastic comment I really wish i could find this kind of words when commenting on others stories! They made me feel better!

Oh dear, Marcellophane, I am SO sorry you found yourself here with us -= but I'm glad you will now have this resource to help you understand this part of your life. I an honestly say that EP has helped me enormously to get an understanding of what is going on and to cope with it.<br />
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Firstly, there are many women in this forum (I am one) living in sexless marriages and feling just like you do. So your wife's "explanation" is wrong - it is about her personally, not about women in general.<br />
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The pattern of her refusal is also very common. Most of us experience the stone-walling you are talking about; the inference (even if not said outright) that we are sex maniacs for wanting sex with our spouses; the getting anry if we persist in discussing it or trying to initiate sex.<br />
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Another very common pattern is the one you mention where any sexual encounter must be initiated by you, and that your sex life now has serious impositions on it.<br />
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And sadly,many of us come to this situation from relationships that were initially passionate and very satisfying. . . it is a mystery isn't it? <br />
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We all agree that it is HUGELY damaging to us as individuals and to our marriages. Most of us are here because we really love our spouses and WANT our marriages to work - altho' for some, this point is now passed and they are moving on with their lives.<br />
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I dearly wish I could tell you how to make things better, but the sad truth is that I've discovered from this forum that it almost never does get better. The "sexless" partner holds all the aces - even if we DO persuade them to have sex, it is very unsatisfactory, as you described.<br />
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Are there children in your marriage? Can you envisage a life other than in your marriage? I note that you are young (still not 40) and that means you would be condemning yourself to many years of misery if you stay and nothing changes.<br />
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I have a "real life" friend (not on EP) who finally left a marriage such as your's and has now been happily re-married for 10 years to a woman who adores him and loves sex!! He still maintains good relationships with his ex-wife (who has never wanted another relationship) and his kids. So it IS possible to do - but it is very hard too.<br />
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I wish you all the best wishes I can to find a solution that suits you - and I hope for a miracle for you and your wife.