I Love My Husband, But He Doesn't Want Me.

I live in a sexless marriage, but not by my choice. I discovered my husband with another woman three months ago and he finally admitted to my face that he had been having an affair for two months. I knew he had been unhappy, but I wasn't aware of how unhappy he had become. We have been married for 23 years and I think our marriage is worth saving. The main problem is that he isn't sure that he still wants to be with me. We haven't had sex since I found out and he told me last night that he is feeling empty. What does that mean? He says he still feels something for me, but he doesn't seem to want to touch me. My heart is breaking. My once secure world is crashing down on me and I am overwhelmed with such a sense of loss that I don't know what to do or how to get through the day.

bereft bereft
51-55
5 Responses Feb 20, 2009

I you think you can save your marriage, then I say go for it. There's no worse try then the one you dont try. Just make sure you ask your self how long are you willing to fight for, because you dont want to see yourself unhappy for years.

There's a lot to be said about this. You are definitely right to feel angry about finding out that your husband cheated on you. While I don't rule out cheating as a way of solving one's problems, I always recommend that every other possible method of reconciliation be pursued first, and that it only occur when leaving is severely impractical for whatever reason.<br />
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Second, it seems that you know your husband has been unhappy. Do you know why? It may be something easily fixed or it may be something insurmountable, but if it matters at all you'll need to find out.<br />
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Third, are YOU happy? Obviously, his affair puts a pretty heavy kibosh on your desire for him, but were you happy before then? And I'm not talking "did you not have any major complaints?", I mean "were you HAPPY?"<br />
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You'll probably need some help sorting this out. I suspect that his affair has put a huge block to effective communications between you. I'd recommend seeking out a counselor to try to help you two sort it out.<br />
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Best Wishes,<br />
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-Strangeling

Many times these affairs occur as the result of a middle age crisis in men. It happened to almost every guy I know. It happened to me. <br />
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When a man suddenly realizes that he is no longer made of steel, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and that he can't stop a speeding train or bullet. he find out he iis no longer Superman. He discovers his own mortality and it scares him.<br />
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These are dangerous times in marriages and they can start unraveling if and when the woman , intent on raising children and the men intent on their work drift apart.<br />
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I suspect that the fact you husband mentioned that he feels empty, your words, that the affair is not a deep one , only a sexual infatuation and a reaffirmation of his virility.<br />
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I think that you have a good chance of saving this relationship if you look at it as momentary insanity of sorts on his part <br />
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It isn't easy to ignore that kind of slight and abuse of trust but there are worse things that can happen if you just look at some of the other stories here.<br />
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I wish you well on this.

Dear Bereft,<br />
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Don't give up. If you truly love and care about each other, it is worth working hard and going through pain to revitalize your marriage, but it takes two!<br />
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We are here for you. So many of us, both men and women are living in similar circumstances. <br />
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Max

I am so very sorry for you. It must seem like you have woken up and found yourself in Hell.<br />
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I have no advice for yu but I can say (from personal experience with my first marriage) that trying to hold onto something or someone in these circumstances is probably not going to work.<br />
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Can you talk to him about what is not working in your marriage? This can be very difficult as often it is hard for us to put a finger on exactly WHAT is te problem. Also men (ppardon my sexist comment please!) are often not great at putting their feelings into words.<br />
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Whatever hapens, please know you have my very best wishes for your future happiness.