Same Old Story

I briefly read through some of the stories posted.  My story sounds very similiar to most.  I have some additional issues that stem from long military deployments away from home.

However, the bottom line is that I'm frustrated and don't really know what to do.  We have two daughters that I can't imagine being separated from them anymore than necessary due to deployments.  Also, I'm already once divorced and would hate to be a two time loser.

Except for the times that she wanted to get pregnant, my wife and I only have sex about once a month - sometimes less.  I've tried marriage retreats (through the military) for five years now.  It hasn't helped.  Still no intimacy and no sex.  I don't feel love or respected.

I don't want to cheat.  However, I feel like I deserve to love and be loved.

SemperFrustrated SemperFrustrated
41-45, M
5 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Gloomy seems to fit the case.

A lot of people on this forum have commented on how "staying together for the kids" is often not a wise choice - and I agree with that viewpoint.<br />
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If you are both content in a sexless marriage and still love and respect each other - fine. But in real life one (the one who wants sex) will usually become more and more embittered / unhappy / depressed or all of the above!<br />
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This leads to relationship breakdowns and the kids WILL be affected. (See Sliderule's post. . . )<br />
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Also, do we want our kids growing up to think of our marriages as a role model? I doubt it. Atho' you might say the kids don't know about the sexlessness, I'm pretty sure they know at some level things are NOT right.<br />
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Your situation is like so many of us - there ARE no answers really. It is a case of each of us deciding what we can (or can't) live with. Sorry to be so gloomy!

If sacrificing happiness for the kids was guaranteed to work, it might be a little easier to bear. As it is, there's no guarantee that your kids aren't already affected. Mine were 18 and 15 when we announced we were separating. the older one just rolled his eyes and said that he saw that coming, and the younger was shocked and in tears, but even then prefaced his remarks with "I knew you and Mom didn't love each other like you used to ... " So some damage had already been done, or at least some awareness was already there.<br />
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Yuck. I'm having emotional flashbacks to that day just typing this, and it's making me ill.

Appreciate the comments, but I don't know what to say. I've had a chance to read more of the post and still the same ols story. A lot of folks who really want to stay in the marriage and do the right thing. However, from what I can tell counseling is not working and neither is time. Maybe there are some folks who have survived this and emerged on the other side with a thriving marriage - but I'm assuming that they are far and few between. For those of us with kids, do we just sacrafice our happiness for the kids? A nobel but miserable existence.

Great comment Otto69. SemperFrustrated, many of us here ARE into decades of a sexless marriage (12+ years in my case). The longer it goes on and the older you get, the harder it is to change it in any way.<BR><BR>You are to be commended on your attendance at marriage retreats - if after 5 years these are getting you nowhere, it is time to think of something else I think.<BR><BR>My only advice is to take some sort of positive action soon - don't let your situation become like mine.<BR><BR>Whilst it is sad to have a second marriage fail (this is my 2nd one too), it is YOUR life. We only get one chance at it.