Need to Respond...demands

The below is a response to my question that I would like to address.

"Skin to skin contact is good but partner sex tends to distract from fully enjoying the sex because you are trying to meet the expectations and demands for performance of the other person. The less involved you are with the person the easier and more enjoyable it is and if you are paying for it then you can totally relax because you can then engage in totally non demand sex.

This is one reason why guys like ****, one night stands and hookers so much. With these types of sexual release they don't have to be the sexual dancing bear in center ring."

I have to disagree unless you are in sex for selfish reasons...meaning ONLY YOUR GRATIFICATION.  Sex is supposed to be communication and giving when in a marriage relationship.  Sure there is the "dirty sex" where it is a part of role play, and it is all about getting off and getting high as quick as possible, but in marriage sex is supposed to enhance and intensify your relationship.  Marital sex is also about INTIMACY.

Sometimes the best sex comes after a heated argument because your breathing is already labored from the exchange, anger is passionate, and you have the energy to bear.  If you can have that kind of sex you are so into the moment that the sex can be explosive.  There are couples out there than can only have sex after an  argument or fight, so for them the conflict is foreplay.  There are no expectations, just rolling off one emotion and into another, letting things take their course.

The less involved you are in sex the lazier you can become...let me lay here while you try to get me off "*****/*****".  Again this is selfishness, and an easy way out, which leads to sexless marriages.  One partner is knocking themselves out trying to get some fire going while the other is laying there like a corpse.

Sex as the quote above describes means there is NO RELATIONSHIP, it is JUST SEX.  If that is all that is wanted then there is no need for marriage.  Just have a new partner every night or get what is called a "**** Buddy"...a person you just use for sex but have no relationship or emotional involvement with.

Women can also be the "sexual dancing bear" as well.  God only knows how many times I have heard men diss their wives.  "She used to be tight but after she had the kids her ***** is nothing but a huge cavern, and I can't feel a thing!"  "She used to be so dirty and adventurous but now that the kids are here she is always tired and doesn't **** around as much as she used to!" 

Some wives also have to deal with their husbands pushing their sexual fantasies so hard on them that the wife just shuts down the sex in an effort to make herself heard.  She is not comfortable with the demands her husband is putting on her, whether it is for her to have a 3 some, have sex with another man/woman/other in front of her husband, or getting involved with the world of BDSM. 

The demands go both ways.  Sex is a two way street unless all you do is jack off then it is just you and your hand with the demands.

 

 

Seanachai Seanachai
36-40, F
7 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Interesting back and forth here, but I'm not sure the general case is being described. Plain and simply, if you're a man in a sexless marriage, you are probably effected by the following:<br />
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http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=93856<br />
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Pretty high percentages described there.<br />
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As for the reasons why, they've yet to be discovered. If I were a betting man, I'd have to say the following play a role:<br />
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1) Women live incredibly hard lives (eg: home care, work, kid care, aging parent care, child schooling, child religion, etc). Something has got to go to the bottom of the queue.<br />
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2) Most cultures' insistence and training that females not be sexual. I would think that it's incredibly hard to be told during your impressionable years to "not" and then be expected to be a "**** star" after marriage.<br />
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What a sad state of affairs. To be without sexual intimacy/pleasure really sucks. It's a wonderful gift that we humans have been given. Given the results of the study, I'd have to say that there are quite a few of us in the same place. I've got no solutions. As time goes by, I am more inclined to believe it's just the way it's supposed to be.

Lightcatcher.. you've been with a lot of ****** up women..and a whole bunch of you don't seem to know the definition of intimacy. Go get a dictionary so you are all working off the same definition.<br />
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Casual sex does not necessarily mean a lack of intimacy..it just means a lack of further expectation. Over the years I've had lots of **** buddies, all of whom I'd say I was extremely intimate with. Most of whom I had no further relationship with beyond the boundaries of our bedrooms and the phone calls that got us there.<br />
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<br />
in·ti·ma·cy Listen to the pronunciation of intimacy<br />
Pronunciation:<br />
ˈin-tə-mə-sē <br />
Function:<br />
noun <br />
Inflected Form(s):<br />
plural in·ti·ma·cies<br />
Date:<br />
1641<br />
<br />
1 : the state of being intimate : familiarity 2 : something of a personal or private nature

This is just me talking... I think the point of sex is to give pleasure... You give pleasure to your partner, and they give it to you... in my opinion to go into sex only concerned with getting pleasure is to miss the point. <br />
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I say, give all the pleasure you can without holding anything back... and then let your partner do the same.<br />
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I am sexless mainly because my partner has no desire to give pleasure to me sexually. (And I can only give her pleasure by staying with her despite her sexual neglect of me.) I think there are many in this group that can relate... they have partners who can't/won't give sexual pleasure for one hang up or another.<br />
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james

No problem.<br />
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The only difference between men and women is a little tail...LOL XX or XY...all the Y needs is a tail and there is zero difference. :P<br />
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Oh and women are far better looking from bewbies to curves...LOL

Ok you two - time out!! Lol!! <br />
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Like you Seanachai, I think that the marriage relationship requires communication and giving. It is essentially about repricocity - a two way relationship.<br />
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I also agree that women sometimes want sex just for sex's sake. When I've been TOTALLY frustrated I've been highly tempted to go to a bar and sleep with the first guy that picks me up. Fortunately I have enough common sense not to follow through on this one!!<br />
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My feeling is that I am probably like most women in that I EXPECT a guy to take an active role in making me happy when we have sex. I am an active sexual partner so I expect the same in return.<br />
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I cannot really imagine how a woman would get much out of sex if she just lay there passively and let the guy do all the work - but I'm quite prepared to be told I'm wrong. Maybe lots of women like to be passive and let the guy do all the work . . . ??<br />
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For me, my partner's enjoyment and excitement are an integral part of sex. I love to hear him groaning because of my touch or whatever!! I want him to lie back at times and let me do anything I can to bring him sexual pleasure.<br />
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On the other hand, my lovers have all said at different times and in different contexts that they are aroused and excited by my arousal. I can't see how I'd be aroused or excited if I was just the "sex slave" doing all the giving and not getting anything in return.<br />
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So, have all these guys been lying to me? I don't think so. And on lots of posts in EP guys say the same thing (look at "I love Oral Sex" site for one) - about being aroused by their partner's enjoyment and arousal.<br />
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So, can we hear from both men and women about this? It is an intriguing topic - thanks Seanachai!!

Nope, not all women need intimacy for great sex. <BR>My wife of 28 years and I tried, at her suggestion, swinging/swapping for a while as one of our many approaches to solving her lack of sexual urge before we discovered she has Lifelong Hypoactive Sexual Desire. During those swapping experiences, I met women for whom intimacy is NOT "the most important part of sex". Trust and chemistry needed to exist between them and me, but NOT intimacy -- and they definitely enjoyed the sex. No one repeat-swaps if they're not getting pleasure from the sex, believe me.<BR>The fact is, everyone is different. Although I'm a guy, for example, intimacy, for me, is the most important part of sex -- ****, prostitutes, one-night-no-strings-attached-meetings, etc -- have zero attraction. And, my main pleasure comes from pleasing a partner, not by lying back and being pleasured.<BR>Point is, no easy black-and-white distinctions exist. Some women want sex for sensual pleasure and others for intimacy; some enjoy being wild and aggressive, others are passive. Some want to please, others are pleasers. Most have combinations of needs, and, those needs and combinations can change with time, circumstances, and aging. Same with men. <BR>One of the consequences of failing to realize the diversity is assuming "THIS must be why he/she's acting that way!" and calling the situation "red" when in fact it's "orange". Realizing people are different, and what one must have is not necessarily the need of everyone else, goes a long way toward both preventing and also resolving problems in the interactions between men and women.

Hate to burst your bubble but there are women who JUST WANT SEX with absolutely NO INTIMACY. Women are not as different from men as you believe.<br />
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Hell even an episode of SEX AND THE CITY dealt with those of us women who have "**** Buddies" that we only call when we are horny, the rest of the time our FB's can just **** off.<br />
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Women have one night stands as well and just like men we rate whether or not they were a good lay or a total bore. <br />
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However in a marriage you need to work at things, have commitments, and spice things up in order to keep the lust alive.<br />
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There are some of us who also seek sex with our own sex just for fun, kicks, or to get the ****** men cannot offer us. <br />
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To get back to prostitutes...<br />
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They are women who USE men as much as they may be or appear to be used by men. I have a girlfriend who was a prostitute until she met her husband. She said the sex she had as a prostitute was better than her married sex. She had sex with both men and women, did ********** and so forth and got paid to do what she loves to do...have sex! She loved USING and EXPLOITING men taking their money and laughing all the way to the bank.<br />
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Not all women want or need intimacy. Some of us just want to get laid just like a man.